Baby Steps

So many mothers watch and wish for their babies to start crawling, then pulling up on furniture, then cruising and eventually walking all on their own. I am not one of these mothers. While I celebrate each developmental marker with all the excitement and happiness of a proud mama, I can't help but feel a little sad as we pass each milestone. Already my sweet little baby is crawling all around on his own, he doesn't need me to transport him everywhere like he used to. As he was nursing today I looked at one of his bare feet and was astonished that it is larger than my palm now! Where is the teeny tine little baby food I wrapped my hand around just a few months ago?! Then my mind wandered to thoughts of those precious little baby feet someday carrying him out into the world, without me there to watch and protect him. There will come a day when he is old enough to to deserve and desire his independance from me, and although I know it is many many years down the road, I can't help but start to dread it already. I wonder if all mothers go through this? It seems like with each incremental baby step he takes as he grows up I also take a baby step, in the direction of facing the reality that someday I'm going to have to watch him walk out into the great big world all on his own. Another of the beautiful things about being a mother, growing and developing right along side my amazing little dude :)

**As I wrote this post I had Kaleb playing on the kitchen floor under my supervision. Somehow he managed to find a leaf that the dog had tracked in. I turned and saw something dark on his chin, and as I went to him he started gagging, I figured out it was a leaf, and just as I was wiping it off his face and picking him up to clean him off, he puked from gagging. Hmmmmm, perhaps having him go out into that world won't be the saddest thing after all ;) I swear, you can't make this stuff up!

Spatula Sentiments

At this time last year I was counting down the hours to the ultrasound that would tell me if my baby was a boy or a girl. I'd been having vivid dreams starring a "little boy with sunshine in his hair" at all ages of childhood and was so very worried that I'd find out we were having a girl and I'd carry all this guilt over dreaming about a boy. Turns out my dreams were right on!
While obsessing over this I was also choosing floor tile for the kitchen upgrade Kyle and I were planning. I remember putting every tile sample through the "Spatula Test". This test consisted of imagining the way the tile would look with my sweet baby playing happily with a spatula and some bowls on the new kitchen floor. I don't know why, but it was an image I cherished throughout my pregnancy, and come to think of it, for many years before the pregnancy as well! I loved the vision of sitting in a sunny kitchen while my future baby happily played and babbled away on the tiled floor. The final decision for the tile came down to the one I thought a baby would find the most interesting, a pretty blue and white tile with lots of different shades of blue flecks in the pattern once you get close up.
This morning, that vision became a reality. As I was packing Kaleb's bottles and food for the day I remembered my Spatula Test and smiled. I reached into the utensil drawer and pulled out the wooden handled purple silicone tipped Williams Sonoma spatula we received as a wedding gift. I went into the cupboard and pulled out two of my colored tupperware bowls, a yellow and a green. I then strategically placed the items around the kitchen to be "discovered" and went and got Kaleb from his pack and play and set him right down in the middle of the kitchen floor. It didn't take long for him to find the new toys I'd stashed for him, and soon he was happily banging that spatula on the floor and knocking the tupperware all around. It was a moment I never ever want to forget, the baby I had dreamed about for years finally there in real life, contentedly playing with a spatula on my beautiful kitchen floor.
This morning, it was so very rewarding to be a mother!

Morning Madness!

This morning it was tough to be a working mom. Kaleb has been doing some serious teething the past few days, he was up at 4:30 this morning wanting to nurse, which meant I was up as well. With him not having slept or napped well the past few days, he was extra clingy and crabby this morning. So, from 4:45 to 7:00 I was trying to juggle the need to soothe and comfort my crying son with the need to get us both ready, packed, and out the door on time. I’m committed to not venting out my stress and frustration in front of Kaleb, so I had the added struggle of reigning that back in and being calm and attentive while watching the minutes slipping away on the clock, putting me closer and closer to being late for work. While I truly love the work I do in my career, I admit that I experienced anger over feeling as if I had to ignore my baby when he needed me so that I could arrive at the office on time. This combined with the stress of hearing Kaleb crying and fussing basically non-stop for over two hours made for a tough start to my day!