Quick Capture of a Milestone

Not really feeling all that "bloggy" lately, but I wanted to capture a milestone that happened today.

When I got to day care to pick Kaleb up tonight I saw the following written in the parent comment section of his daily report sheet:

"Kaleb peed on the potty today!!"

Now that he has graduated to the Tigger room, part of the daily routine is going to the real bathrooms for diaper changes instead of doing them in the care room. The kids are all given an opportunity to sit on the big boy/big girl potty while they are there. Kaleb has been taking advantage of the chance to sit on the potty for a few weeks now, today he actually used it :)

What a fun surprise to read about when I picked him up today! I'm encouraged that he is showing signs of interest, both at home and at day care, in potty training. I would love to have him well on his way before the new baby arrives. I don't want to have him trying to accomplish that at the same time as adjusting to a new baby, so I'm hoping this is the sign that he is getting ready to start the process, which will give us plenty of time to have him comfortable with a new potty routine before baby gets here.

Oh, and since he is my kid, and my mind works this way, I did ask the following clarifying question of his teacher:

"I see it says 'peed ON the potty', before I get too excited, does that mean he used the toilet as it is intended to be used or that he peed all over it while another child was trying to use it?"

Hey man, I wouldn't put it past him!

Wrangling a Cookie Monster

Today my mom picked Kaleb up from day care and brought him over to her house to play with her and Kerry. They missed him so it was a great opportunity to spend some quality time. I had to pick Kyle up at the airport at 5, so it worked out well to have Kaleb over at my mom's until Kyle and I could get out there to get him. We went over there, I took Kaleb into the bathroom with me and put him in a shirt that says "Big Brother" on the front. Then we walked back out to where everyone was and just waited for the shirt to do our announcing. Kerry noticed first, then my mom, then Mikey (he was there putting in new flooring in the bathroom for my mom). It was fun to see everyone so excited :)

After the excitement wound down and we were all just hanging out, Kaleb said he wanted to eat. My mom had made dinner for all of us and she went and made him a little plate of chicken and some potatoes. Kaleb was saying he wanted cookies, he went to the drawer where the cookies are stored and pulled them out then carried them around demanding cookies for dinner. I told him he could have cookies after he ate some of his chicken. He did not at all appreciate this idea and proceeded to push his plate away and continue demanding cookies.

Here I found myself in one of those parenting moments, where you know everyone in the room is watching to see what you will do, how you will handle this one. You know they all have their own opinions on how to best handle your child, but they are waiting to see what you'll do. Will you "put your foot down" and insist he eats a certain number of bites before getting down? Will you strike a bargain that he can have one cookie if he eats his dinner after that? Will you yell at him for behaving this way because he is embarrassing you? I was fully aware of this, and I admit to feeling embarrassed by his defiance and feeling tempted to do any of the above options within the span of 1 minute.

I've read the books on this, identified the strategies and philosophies that make sense to me, and here was my chance to put them into play in a public setting. Kaleb was crying now, yelling for cookies. I told him he could eat his dinner or he could choose to get down for now if he wasn't ready to eat his dinner. He chose to get down, so I helped him down from his chair and he ran to the living room where he proceeded to sit down and cry/make suffering sounds while checking every few moments to make sure he still had an audience. And he for sure had an audience. My mom, sister, brother, and husband were all watching him, and me, to see how this was going to all play out.

I stayed in my chair and made eye contact with him when he looked at me, letting him know I was paying attention and here if he needed me. After about 3 minutes he started adding some pathetic "Moooommmmy"'s into the mix so I took that as my invite. I got up from my chair and went and sat near him, telling him that I was here and that I loved him and showing him so with my actions. He moved away from me and got more upset, then after 30 seconds started moving closer to me. I picked him up and hugged him then sat him down next to me. I assured him again that I was right there and asked if he wanted to go cuddle for a while. He said no and said he wanted to sit and then asked for his passy. I told him I knew where it was and asked him to hold my hand and come with me to help me get it.

When he took firm grip of my hand I was surprised, I had expected him to object for the sake of objecting, as he'd been doing throughout this episode. This marked the turning point. He held my hand and walked with me to his diaper bag, laughed when I made a joke about how the passy was hiding from me, because I couldn't find it where I thought it was, and then took the passy and calmed down. After a minute or so of calm sitting together I asked him if he was ready to come sit up at the table with me again and he said yes. We went to the table, I moved his plate away from him and told him it was ready when he was but he could choose when to eat and showed him where his fork was, within reach. He reached for his fork, I offered him ketchup to dip his chicken in, which he accepted, and then he ate every bite of his chicken.

I wanted to do a full on touch down dance. This was one of the few times while in public that I've had an opportunity to put into practice what I've read in Positive Discipline and Unconditional Parenting, and it worked! I stayed connected and available to him in a moment when he was showing strong emotion. I didn't let my embarrassment based on what others thought turn to anger with him over this. I showed him that, even when he is acting in a way that I may not like, I still love him and I am still going to be there for him, that there it is okay to express intense emotions, Mommy will be right there and will not abandon him just because I don't like his current behavior. I demonstrated that my love is not conditional on his behavior, emotions, or opinions.

Does this mean my mom, sister, brother, and/or husband didn't judge me and my methods? No. It means I stuck to what I felt was right despite what others might think of my parenting. My goal for the interaction was for Kaleb to eat his chicken by his own choice. It took some tears and tantrum on his part and a lot of patience and suppression of embarrassed feelings based on what others think on my part, but in the end, he ate every bite. I'm so glad I didn't let my fear of what others thought dictate my parenting, I'm really proud of myself for doing what I felt was best and right for my child. And I'm SO pleased that it worked!

Oh, and after all that, he never did remember that he wanted a cookie in the first place. So, to keep the universe balanced, I ate the cookie while he played with his Uncle Ben :)

Future nostalgia

Our 3 year anniversary is Tuesday (9/20), Kyle took me out to Cygnus last night for dinner to celebrate :) When I think about our wedding in Jamaica just 3 years ago, and that now, for this anniversary, we have a small child and another on the way, I get a sense of future nostalgia. Is that even a thing? I think about how these are the days in our relationship, and in our family, that we'll look back on when we celebrate our 35th anniversary.

The same thing happens when I put our pictures in photo albums. These albums that I'm buying, brand new, right now and filling with pictures from recent events, are going to be the albums the kids pull out years from now when they want to look at their baby pictures. The albums and pictures will become faded and old-looking, probably somewhat tattered from use. They won't probably ever remember these albums as brand new, one of my major accomplishments of this year and years to come. To them, these books (along with so many other things I'll do for them as their mother) will just be something that is there, not a project of love, but just another part of their family life.

And the "me" who put them together will be a memory, a person my kids don't fully know because to them I'll always be 'Mom', they aren't going to really understand the part of me who is 'Sarah' who is still learning right now what it means to be 'Mom', and who will probably still be learning then. They'll try to imagine Mom and Dad as young people with all their friends having the time of their lives in Jamaica for their wedding, but the people they see in those pictures will most likely seem like strangers to them, not possibly the same people they know today as their parents.

Many times, when I'm taking pictures of Kaleb I'm thinking of how these are his baby pictures. The fun shots I take of him on our vacation to Sleeping Bear Dunes will be accessories to the stories I tell him in years to come about the time it was only him, no siblings, and we all went on an adventure together. I already think about how I will be visibly pregnant in all the pictures of his 2nd birthday party this year. And how I will show those pictures to this baby and we'll talk about how this baby was here with us for that party.

I wonder if other people think like this or if it is just me and my romanticized imagination.

Missing 'Bissy'

I just got the news that one of my favorite teachers at Kid's World, Miss Elizabeth, has put in her 2 week notice. This is such hard news to receive. I'm happy for her because she is pursuing a great opportunity. But I can't help it, I'm so sad for Kaleb. He loves this teacher, his face lights up every time we see her in the morning, he talks about her outside of day care. He calls her "Bissy". I hate the reality that after next Friday she is going to be gone from his life. I hate it so much that I'm crying. This has only happened with 2 other teachers since we started there, Miss Angie and Miss Diane. Other teachers have left, but there are just those few that you really really like and that you can tell your baby has bonded with. And now that bond is about to be broken, and that hurts my heart.

I know that this type of thing is usually much harder on the parent than on the child. Kaleb is so resilient, he will move on and probably not really suffer much at all. He still has Miss Megan, his primary teacher, and I know he loves her very much, and I'm a huge fan of her too.

It is a hard thing to accept, the loss of an important influence in your child's life. I get it that this is inherent to day care, the teachers move on and you know going into it that this will happen. And it isn't just day care, it happens with all child care situations. I remember when I left my nanny position before starting at Farmers. I am now seeing what it must have been like for that mom. So hard. So sad.

Best wishes, Bissy, we miss you already!

It can't be...can it?!

I'm trying to get dressed to go furniture shopping and then down to Hispanic Festival. I have gone through at least 5 outfits, all weekend go-to's that were just fine last weekend. In every of the outfits I try on, I look pregnant. How is that possible? I'm 8.5 weeks, that's only 2 months. With Kaleb I wasn't showing until 5 months, at the earliest. I went through the "maybe I'm just having a fat day" already, but the part of my stomach that is sticking out is hard to the touch, not mushy. Also, I got on the scale and I haven't gained a pound, which I would think lends credence to the "it's not a food baby" theory. I'm not gassy and have been plenty regular so I doubt it is that.

This seems crazy, so I googled it (my solution to everything!) and found a number of baby sites with second time around pregnant ladies saying the same thing. There are a lot of women out there reporting "popping" or starting to show around 8 or 9 weeks. I knew to expect to show a bit earlier the second time around, but I thought that meant a month early, not 3 months early!

All my other symptoms are tracking in line with my first pregnancy, but the symptom that is going to be really tough to play off as something else seems to have arrived a few months ahead of schedule. This isn't the "thickening of the waist line that may have your clothes feeling snug" that the baby book talks about. My clothes still fit exactly the same. I'm not deluded, I just tried on a pair of freshly washed jeans that fit last weekend, and they still fit, and fit the same way.

I know what you're thinking, I'm rolling my eyes too at the pregnant chick grasping at straws for why my stomach is sticking out so much right now. I still need to make it 4 weeks before we are planning to announce. Come on cooler weather and big sweaters! Or, come on tomorrow morning when everything looks normal again and this extended stomach is back to it's normal amount of sticking outedness!

Just not feelin' it this week

It's been over a week since I last wrote here, not for lack of stuff to share, just haven't been in a "bloggy" mood I guess. I've been caught off guard a couple times this past week with a minor case of pregnancy bitchiness. Haven't actually snapped or lashed out at anyone (at least not that I noticed, maybe I did and the person just rolled his/her eyes behind my back?). Anyway. I'll be sitting at my desk and just be generally annoyed with the world, every little thing getting on my nerves in a way that doesn't typically happen. I forgot that pregnancy hormones can do this to you. This has most likely contributed to the general feeling of 'blah' I've had towards most things this week.

Kaleb continues to amaze me with his rapidly developing communication skills. He's stringing together 4-6 word sentences now. Not completely effortlessly, it usually takes him a few tries with all 4 or 6 words before he gets them in the right order, but it is still wild to hear him talking like this! At day care this month each of the kids in Kaleb's class has a goal, they are posted just inside the door to his classroom. I expected Kaleb's to be something like "use a big boy cup" or "help clean up toys". When I saw that his goal is "put on shoes and socks" it took me by surprise. How can he already be old enough for that to be a reasonable goal?! I trust his teachers, they know what he is capable of, and I love that they are pushing him, I just can't believe my baby boy is already old enough to be learning to dress himself!

I'm 8 weeks pregnant as of yesterday. In the past week 2 friends have announced their own pregnancies, one on facebook and one in person to me. It has been really tough both times not to burst out with "ME TOO!!" but I've controlled myself. Only 4 more weeks until it is my turn to for a big reveal :)

Get it together, Remsburg!

7 weeks today! I went to have my first lab work appointment this morning, and it went a lot faster than I remember it going last time. Maybe I had more questions last time, maybe it seemed longer last time because I was so focused on it. Today I was more focued on...well, I couldn't tell you. Typical!

I'm finding one difference this time around is that eating the right foods is seemingly easier. I know, only 7 weeks in so no high-fives just yet. But, when I was pregnant with Kaleb he was still an abstract idea. I knew, intellectually, that what I ate he also ate, but I didn't have any idea what it really meant to feed your own baby. Now, when I eat, I imagine Kaleb eating that same thing, and if I wouldn't feed it to him I don't feed it to his baby sibling either. It is so much easier to envision this tiny baby as a real person, now that I've been through this before and have met and bonded with the outcome :)

I went the other day to tour a new day care, one that would be a lot closer to home for us. No decisions yet, just had a slow day at work so thought I'd get that taken care of (yes. I handle family business during work hours, but I also handle work business during family hours, so everyone just calm down).

On the way to the day care I started getting emotional thinking about all the changes Kaleb is going to be put through with this new baby. And I felt bad that he is going to have to share his mommy, because I worry that he isn't going to understand that. So I was thinking of ways I could make sure he understands that I still love him just as much, maybe have Daddy take care of the new baby more so I can spend time with Kaleb, go on special outings just Kaleb and Mommy, etc.

Then I started to feel bad for the new baby, because this baby won't get the undivided attention that Kaleb got as a newborn. All those ideas of spending special time with Kaleb involved me not spending that time with the baby. I worried that my bond to this baby can't possibly be as strong as my bond with Kaleb, not if I have to split myself between keeping Kaleb from missing Mommy and developing a strong bond with a new baby. Oy!

At one point I was seriously breathing shallow and getting panicky over this. So, I slapped myeslf (figuratively) and told myself to get it together. This Mother's Guilt stuff is so intense and I can not let myself get sucked down into it. I have too many other things to juggle!

I've heard and read that a mother's love just doubles when another child comes, it isn't a fixed pie that when it's gone it's gone. I hope it is more like a ground spring that just always keeps producing more and more.

Not just an accessory anymore!

Kaleb is growing up so fast, and I feel like we are in somewhat of a transitional period right now. I guess all of toddlerhood, and life for that matter, is technically a transitional period. Anyway, lately I've been regularly struck by the realization that Kaleb is a person. I mean, I get that he is a human and all that, but he is an actual individual person who processes information and thoughts and has opinions on things, including me.

He copies me, or wants to copy me, on almost everything I do. His big thing right now is "I do it!" for everything from getting dressed to assembling his meals. Maybe I'm the one in the transitional period, because those flashes where I see him as a "kid" and not my "baby" anymore, those moments leave me somewhat breathless and kinda freaked out. When he was a newborn, infant, and baby, he needed me for everything and he was honestly more of an accessory, toy, and responsibility than anything else, an extension of myself. Lately I've been seeing him as a separate entity, and that is both fascinating and terrifying. In the book I'm reading (The Emotional Life of the Toddler by A. Lieberman) there is the following text on the idea of babies becoming toddlers:

As babies become toddlers and begin to assert their need to build an autonomous sphere of action, parents learn to face their own limitations in nurturing and protecting their child. The fantasy that the parent's physical and emotional presence is enough to keep the child safe and content gives way to the realization that there are disappointments, challenges, and even dangers that we are helpless to wish away Yes. Indeed. This is perfect summation of what I'm feeling right now.

He talks so much now, it is really amazing. This morning I heard him in his crib, practicing his talking. He was trying to ultimately say "I, Kaleb, have an owie" (he doesn't actually have one but he is fascinated by owie's on his body or anyone else's right now). His attempts came out as "Keebie owie" and "I have, Keebie, owie, have" and all different variations. When he finally got it down, he then proceeded to yell it, not in anger or pain, you could hear the pride and excitement in his voice that he got that sentence down. It made me stop and wonder what his thoughts sound like in his own head, just how advanced is his internal monologue at this point?

I've renewed my resolve to let him, and encourage him, to experiment with more tasks on his own. Last night he made his own dinner, mini pizza on whole wheat bagels with sauce (I bought the squeeze kind so he can do it himself), chopped bell peppers, and shredded cheese. I got the stuff out, pulled chair up to the counter for him, then guided him through the steps, but he did it all by himself. He was SO excited about those pizzas!

Kaleb is the most fascinating, exciting, and amazing part of my life right now by far. I am so blessed to get to watch this awesome little guy grow up!

Sleeping Bear Dunes

We had a great time on our mini-vacation this past week! Because I'm feeling lazy today I'm just going to paste in the text from the email I sent my mom with all the details on our trip:

We are keeping ridiculously busy over here! We just got home from a 5 day weekend trip up to Sleeping Bear Dunes, it was pretty cool when the Good Morning America thing came out rating that as the most beautiful place in the country. I think that was announced just a day or two before we left. We took a motor home this time and Kaleb could not stop talking about the "big kwuh!" (aka, big truck), he was completely enamored with it and spent a ton of his time climbing up and down the steps that go into the motor home.

We had a great time touring the area, our campsite was adjacent to a small airport, more like landing strip, so we got to see some small planes land and take off, Kaleb thought that was really cool! We drove the Leelenau Peninsula and stopped at the state park on the very tip, then stopped in Leland on the way back down and did some shopping. Kaleb picked out this little plastic jug filled with pure maple syrup, it is the perfect size for him to be able to pour it all by himself...which fits nicely with the "I DO IT" theme we are rocking these days. I know, I totally had this coming from my own "SELF!" phase ;)

We also rented a pontoon boat on Glen Lake, which is a sandbar lake so there are really shallow spots all through it, perfect for Kaleb to be able to get off the boat and wade around in. Kaleb helped to drive the boat and kept wanting to go faster and faster. Yes. I know. he's my kid through and through! On the last day of our trip (tuesday) we went and toured Sleeping Bear Dunes. It was my first time there and GMA was right, it is gorgeous! It was somewhat challenging to really take in the scenery, what with trying to prevent a curious and active toddler from plummeting off a dune or down a ravine, but I still managed to see plenty of beauty. Kaleb loved playing in the sand. I sent everyone else up ahead on the hike and Kaleb and I just went at his pace, which means we stopped every 1.5 feet to explore something. I loved it, seeing him discover creation, so it doesn't bother me to go at a snails pace. actually, i think a family of snails flew by us at one point, but all the same, Kaleb's cognitive development fascinates me and I'm content to watch him explore whatever it is he finds interesting in any moment.

We got home Wednesday afternoon and it was back to work and day care Thursday. Kyle's grandma Mary is in town (Frank's mom) through this Sunday morning so they wanted to get some Kaleb time while she was here. They went and picked him up from day care at 3 today and brought him to their house, Kyle and I met them there when we got out of work. So we were able to have dinner together and now Kaleb is spending the night there so Mary can have some more time with him tomorrow morning. We'll go pick him up late morning and then we are headed down to Gun Lake. You may remember our friend, Davey, Nick's nephew. He is enlisting in the Marines and is home this week from Colorado so we are going down to a cookout his family is throwing in his honor tomorrow.

That's the end of the email text. I haven't yet told my parents about this pregnancy so I didn't include anything about how I spent the trip between two extreme thought patterns. One being: I can't WAIT to have another little one running around with us! The other being: How in the world am I going to handle having another little one to take care of?! This pregnancy is starting to sink in a little more, but I'm still kind of reeling from it happening so soon. I only have 34 more weeks to prepare for another baby! With my first pregnancy that would have seemed like an eternity, with this one it is already making me sweat a bit.

5 weeks and still pregnant :)

I took a test this morning and, yup, still pregnant. Hard to believe I'm 5 weeks pregnant. I finally called the doctor today and have my first appointment scheduled for next Thursday. It was tough to find time because I can't call from my desk (since I am keeping this a secret for now and I work around a lot of people) so I had to remember, then find a conference room. The reason I made it work today was actually because I needed a copy of Kaleb's immunization records for day care. So I got that taken care of then said "And, I'm 5 weeks pregnant so I'm thinking I'll need to schedule an appointment"

I'm sorry, sweet little new baby, I do love you and I will make time for you and make you a priority in our lives. We're just so busy and you aren't really giving me any reminders that you are here yet so it's easy for me to keep my focus on your big brother, who is plenty demanding! I wonder if you are going to be my easy going little one, or if you will be as big a personality as your big brother is? I'm really excited to find out!

I've started thinking about fun ways to officially announce this pregnancy. I know I still have about 7 weeks, but it's fun to think about.

Something that is not so fun to think about, next week's appointment. I'm 35 pounds heavier today than I was before my first pregnancy, and I know I'll get a talking to from the nurse. I have lost 9 pounds in the past month and a half, thanks to food journaling and strict calorie control combined with cutting (almost) all junk out. I had made my peace with my body, decided to focus on healthy nutrition instead of weight loss, and was feeling okay. But, with the back issues my core muscles aren't holding my abs in as well so my front is way more pooched out. Combine that with the bloating and indigestion issues of early pregnancy, well I'm just feeling and looking like a complete hot mess lately. To keep pressure off my lower back I have to stand in a way that makes it challenging to keep my core muscles engaged...aka my stomach pulled in and up. Mirrors are not my friend right now, I'm ready for my back to stop being an issue so I can get my posture back!

You're worth it all, sweet little one! Stay put for me and I'll make sure you get the best nutrition available to help you grow strong.

Head case

Here's a glimpse at today, and the polar opposites that my world (mother and professional) can sometimes hold for me:

5:20 AM - alarm goes off. groan. i'm tired, been up peeing all damn night long, can't take normal unisom to help me fall asleep and stay that way because of the pregnancy. stupid alarm clock. must wake up early because it is a training day and i've got be polished, shined, pressed, smiling, calm, and ready to turn my full "Welcome to the greatest company ever!" face on by 7:30.

5:24 AM - curse stupid alarm, get out of bed, pee again, make coffee, hit the shower.

5:45 AM - decide to skip packing lunch today, my own little "take THAT!" to the universe, pack healthy snacks and figure I'll buy something responsible for lunch

6:00 AM - blow dry hair, suffer hormonal heat flash, grin and bear it, curl hair, mop sweat off face, watch hair fall flat while applying makeup in attempt to hide how tired I am

6:20 AM - let dogs out, feed them, put them outside, let them back in, put them outside, then ignore them

6:30 AM - round up lunch, shoes, outfit, water, diapers for day care, sippy cup of juice, sippy cup of milk, diaper bag, cell phone, nook, purse and take all items to the car

6:35 AM - go in Kaleb's room and discover a blow out diaper that has covered him and his crib bedding. crap. literally. pull Kaleb out of poop, change him, wipe him clean, start sweating again, toss soiled pj's in laundry, feel guilty but not enough time to start laundry now so the sheets will just have to sit, remain calm and collected so Kaleb doesn't get stressed and cranky, dress Kaleb, sing songs to help mask stress, tell Kaleb it's time to go find Daddy

6:45 AM - wake up Kyle, kisses good bye, load Kaleb in the car and drive to day care, comment on every bus and truck, talk about what he will do with his friends at day care that day, mentally rehearse my messages for training

7:15 AM - drop off at day care, kiss Kaleb good bye, fill in teacher on blow out diaper, remind teacher to keep diaper rash cream on current diaper rash, kisses again and out the door

7:30 AM - arrive at work, deep breath, makeup check, lip gloss on, deep breath, and show time!

8:00 AM - training starts, happy smiles for all, so hungry but no time for breakfast until first break, keep smiling, set example for new hires

9:15 AM - first break, check phone see voicemail from 7:56 am, panic that Kaleb is sick, find out I took Kyle's key and clearly now it is too late to bring it to him, call him and say "it's a great day for a motorcycle ride!" only half joking

9:25 AM - eat oatmeal, three bites in and I'm nauseous, keep eating anyway cuz baby needs nutrition and I need food so I can take pre-natal

10:00 AM - take the stage for training, remember poop sheets on the way to the front of the room, must keep a straight face and professional demeanor, deliver training content for over an hour

11:30 AM - email from Kyle asking if I can arrange for Joe to go to the kennel while we are on vacation, ignore the email for now because there is nothing I can do about it until tomorrow at the earliest

11:48 AM - get text message from brother in law, he has our shampoo and conditioner from Kerry's salon that I ordered yesterday, where am I so he can bring it to me (he also works at Farmers) respond that I'm in training, can he leave it with the receptionist, he says sure. We've been out of our normal shampoo for a week, I keep forgetting to order more from Kerry, so my hair looks like crap!

12:00 PM - lunch. buy a cheeseburger. fail. tell friend that if I do that again she needs to call me out, vow not to skip packing lunch again. Stop at receptionist let her know someone is dropping off a package for me.

12:58 PM - remember I was supposed to call doctor during lunch, I still haven't told him I'm pregnant...it's been a week! Too late now, it will have to wait until tomorrow. Also remember poop sheets and realize I didn't check Kaleb's ears, what if there is poop in his ears?! what the hell kind of mother am I? put it aside, nothing I can do about it right now, time to train again!

2:32 PM - in front of room of new hires, delivering on-boarding welcome day, start to wonder if Kaleb is sick and that is why the blow out, need to remember to ask doctor about that when I call him tomorrow. Remember I'm pregnant, get silly smile, try to hide it, end up working the smile into my message somehow

4:33 PM - remember my shampoo and conditioner at front desk, sneak out during activity to go get it, hide it in back of room so as not to compromise professional image I spent all day trying to establish

5:00 PM - training wraps for the day, collect feedback, clean up room, leave just in time to get Kaleb from day care.

5:35 PM - arrive at day care 5 minutes late, apologize to teacher, hear Kaleb had a good day, he had "nice hands" but didn't have very good "listening ears" feel relief at no incident report, get fund raiser cookie dough order, mistakenly call the box "cookies" now Kaleb wants to open it and eat them. oops. drive home

5:40 PM - drive home with conversation as follows: Kaleb - "Daddy, home?" Me - "Yes, Daddy will be home when we get there" Kaleb - "Eddie, home?" Me - "Yes, Eddie is at his own house" Kaleb - "Brent, home?" Me - "Yes, Brent is at his own house" Kaleb - "Daddy, home" and on and on and onnnnnnn. all the way home

6:05 PM - arrive home, Kyle still isn't home, carry purse, lunch box, diaper bag, water bottle, shoes, shampoo and conditioner, 2 boxes of cookie dough, two blankies, one stuffed monkey, and a toddler into the house with spastic lower back muscles threatening to bring me to my knees

6:15 PM - set Kaleb up with banana and cottage cheese, foods he can feed himself, rush to get poop bedding, pj's, blankies, boppy cover (also got poop on it and Kaleb uses it as a pillow) and crib blanket in washing machine so there is time to wash and dry before bedtime. Entire time I'm downstairs I am envisioning Kaleb choking or falling out of his high chair. Rush back upstairs to see my sunshine boy with banana mashed happily in his fist "I did it self, Mommy!" heart melts, Kyle gets home and I ask him to help me by making sure laundry gets switched to dryer as soon as washer is done

6:35 PM - clean up mess from Kaleb's dinner, snuggle and watch Elmo's World, Kyle switches laundry, I check the clock and worry that the blankies won't dry in time for bed, we can't do bedtime without blankies, try to decide if we need to push bath time back

6:59 PM - Kyle takes Kaleb for his bath (on time), round up milk, check on bedding and discover blankies dry really fast! whew! gather stuffed monkey, put clean sheets on bed, put clean back up boppy cover on boppy pillow, rearrange bed with all necessary components, find other blanket since crib blanket is still damp, get clean sleeper laid out, put away Kaleb's laundry that has been clean and sitting on the couch for 2 days, sit down for 5 minutes to rest my back which is screaming by now

7:30 PM - cheer Kaleb on while he brushes his teeth, take him from Kyle after bath, sing bedtime song, put on diaper and wrestle to get diaper rash cream on (the rash hurts and he hates me touching it!), put on sleeper legs and sleeves and then let him zip it himself (takes three times as long but he insists) gather up blankies, paci, and stuffed monkey, snuggle in glider in nursery and read 2 bedtime stories (Clifford and Where the Wild Things Are for tonight) say bedtime prayers, drink bedtime milk, tell him I love him over and over, steal 5 more kisses, tell him I love him again, lay him in his crib, cover him with his blanket and leave the room.

8:15 PM - figure out with Kyle what we want for dinner, start this blog post and tell him I'll make it in just a minute

8:35 PM - still posting, Kyle gets sick of waiting and is now in kitchen making dinner...I'm not complaining!

Long post, but it definitely captures a typical day in my life. I can't even imagine having another kid in the mix!

Berry bonding with one and quiet rest for another

After my last post I did some googling and read on a number of sites that it is normal to feel less 'consumed' with your second pregnancy than you did with your first. With my first I devoted so much mental and emotional energy to it, reading everything I could, learning about what to expect. Now I kind of know what to expect and I have another baby already taking up a lot of mental, emotional, and physical energy. So, I'm okay with not feeling as consumed by this pregnancy.

That said, I just had an afternoon snack of strawberries, pineapple, and blue berries. As I was eating a bite of blue berries I thought to myself "here you go, little one, use these to grow strong for Mommy." It was the first time I've 'talked to' this baby. It made things seem a lot more real, imagining a tiny baby growing stronger from the food I nourish it with.

The other purpose for this post is to capture how Kaleb will spend an hour or more in his crib once he wakes up, in the morning and after nap. He has been in his crib, awake, for an hour and fifteen minutes now. He just lays there, plays with is blanket, sticks his feet in and out of the crib slats, and looks around his room. This morning he was awake by 8:00 and I finally went in his room at 10:30. He hadn't called for me or made a sound, I just missed him and wanted him to get up and play with me.

I know this is a blessing and many mothers would love to have each nap and weekend morning padded by an hour or more. I think it might be that he just savors his down time after a busy week of day care, much like we enjoy sleeping in and being lazy on weekends. But I can't help but wonder if it means something else and if I should be worried. I know, that is a little far-fetched, but I think I'll do some googling just to put my mind at ease.

A walk down memory lane and a glimpse towards the future

I was messing around on facebook tonight and decided to go look at some newborn pics of Kaleb. I wound up watching all the videos I posted of Kaleb from his first year. He was (and still is) such a cute and expressive little baby!

I haven't really been hit yet by the fact that I'm pregnant, dare I say it almost seems too good to be true? It doesn't seem real that there is a teeny tiny little baby growing in there right now. When I found out I was pregnant with Kaleb, the thought completely consumed me. So far, this time it is more something I remember throughout the day, not something I have to try and stop thinking about so I can concentrate on other work. Maybe it has something to do with already having a toddler who occupies my mind. Maybe it is because we aren't announcing it right away this time like we did last time. I bet it will seem a lot more real once I can tell people I'm pregnant.

I don't necessarily feel indifferent to this pregnancy, I'm happy and excited when I think about it. But, I'm also a little more mellow and reserved this time. I kind of feel a need to insulate myself from too much baby daydreaming until I make it safely out of the first trimester.

It just all seems abstract right now, and with everything else in my life (toddler, husband, work, friends, summer schedules, etc) and I'm having a hard time actually imagining another baby, Kaleb's little sibling. That's what drove me to facebook, to look at newborn pics and videos of Kaleb. Rather than making this pregnancy seem more real it just made me nostalgic for the times when Kaleb was so tiny.

I wonder if other moms go through this with the second child?

If a butterfly flaps his wings in India...

...then I swear I catch a whiff of curry over here! Maybe a tad dramatic, but this pregnancy nose is serious business. I forgot how acute my sense of smell was last time around. When I walked into the house last night I just about puked from the smell emanating from the trash can. Kyle couldn't smell a thing, but remembered from the last pregnancy and just took out the trash without arguing. Looks like we're going to need more trash bags since we'll be only filling them about half way before banishing them. My thoughtful (or is it fearful?) husband also took the initiative to spray the inside of the can with lemon anti-bacterial and then dump baking soda into the bottom. I lit one of my good stink candles, so as a team we got through it.

Another symptom starting to show up is minor nausea, but nothing major yet. My back, I think, will be my biggest pregnancy tell if we decide to have more kids. I'm able to walk a little more upright but my legs still have to go basically straight forward and backward while I walk. This is not normal for me, I usually walk my feet in a pretty straight line, so people are still remarking on how I'm walking funny. I am facilitating a workshop yesterday and today so I'm wearing heels, because I'm vain like that. So I'm probably making it a little worse. After today I'll be back to flats and I'll nurse it heavily this weekend, so by Monday I hope to back to my old strut :)

As of yesterday, I am 4 weeks pregnant. That is so wild!

OMG IT'S A BFP!!!!!!!!!!!

Yesterday's faint line wasn't a fluke. This morning's HPT had a definite second line there, zero mistaking it. I'M PREGNANT!!!!

I've been an emotional mess this morning. Whenever I think about the fact that there is a tiny little bean in there I get all choked up and start laughing. When I told Kyle this morning he said "really? for real!? that line is for sure, no chance of mistaking!?" :) yes honey, you can't be just a little bit pregnant, we are having another baby! And then he kissed me, and that just made this whole thing so much sweeter.

I talked to him about how there is still a chance we won't actually have another baby, we can still miscarry. I asked him to keep this under wraps, except for maybe one or two people he is close to at work, until we hit the 2nd trimester in October. But it was just so cute to see him excited! Of course, being Kyle, he had to throw in a "You're welcome! Look at me and my super sperm!" haha, that's right honey, we are 1 in 5 people who get pregnant the first month (I'm not counting June since we didn't have the right dates, I don't care if you don't agree with that, it's my pregnancy and I'm calling it pregnant on the first real try)

On his way out of the house this morning he said "Bye, preggo" YES! I'm pregnant!

Thank you, Jesus! Please keep your hands on my uterus and help this tiny little baby grow strong and healthy.

Oh PLEASE don't be a cruel trick

Still no period. I showed Kyle the faint line test, didn't tell him what to look for just asked him what he saw. He saw the line. I just looked up my due date, based on if this is the real deal. April 18, 2012. The site I was on had milestone weeks, and when I read "your baby's heart starts to beat" I just lost it. The happy and terrified tears, I really shouldn't have googled that. I want this too much.

In the darkest places of my mind and heart I can't help but suspect that God knows this and will take it away to teach me to lean on Him. I don't think God really operates like that, do I? At the outset of this process I thought about how I may be told I have to wait, to keep trying without success, in order to teach me that it isn't my will but His. I don't like thinking about God with this "master manipulator" mindset. I know He isn't comprehensible to my human mind. Yet this human mind can't help but try to put motives and other human traits onto Him.

I know that even if I do get a darker positive line tomorrow, it doesn't guarantee that I'll deliver a baby next April.

But reading that just now "baby's heart starts to beat" on September 21 of this year, well that hit me hard. Just the fact that I might be back to getting "your baby this week" emails, dusting off my What to Expect, changing my googling from "_____ effect on ovulation" to "_______ during pregnancy" is so amazing. So. Amazing.

Even with a BFP tomorrow I have 10 weeks before I start to breathe a little easier. I'm trying hard not to get too caught up in the dreaming, to counter every positive and hopeful thought with a "you can't be sure yet" but I'm an imaginative person and I fear I'm losing that battle.

7 hours until my next test.

Figment of my imagination?

Took the HPT this morning and there was the faintest of faint second lines. Like, you had to look close to see it. I'm not counting that as my BFP and will test again tomorrow. I did go through the trash and pull out every other test of this brand that I've taken, none of them had any hint whatsoever of a second line, no matter how I tilted or tipped them or what lighting I looked at them in...

My back is still really bad, and no sign of my period yet, no cramps or anything along those lines. It is really hard not to get excited right now, but that's what I'm working on managing.

The line showed up within 3 minutes. Every time I go to the bathroom today I am pep talking myself that it's okay to discover that my period has in fact started. But it hasn't yet. This is the day it is supposed to be here. I know it could still come tomorrow, tonight, later this week. But I'd be a full out liar if I said I'm not starting to believe that faint line was my BFP.

I am at work and stopped this morning to pick up some of those heat wraps you can wear under your clothes. I'm limping around and looking like a complete idiot trying to walk. But, whether I am here or home I am going to be hurting so I don't want to burn PTO for that. Plus, being at work has provided some level of distraction from the screaming voice in head saying "THAT SECOND LINE WASN'T IN YOUR HEAD, YOU ARE PREGNANT!!!'

Called the doctor and confirmed that, if I am pregnant or suspect I may be, the only pain killer I can safely take is tylenol. It is going to be a long night. Again.

Only 12 hours until my next test.

Don't mind me, I'll just be hobbling around trying not to get too excited about it

At about 4:30 today I got hit by excruciating lower back pain. I can't stand up straight and if I make anything close to a sudden move I get a piercing pain shooting out from the area. I usually get some mildly annoying lower back pain when I PMS, but not to the point of having to walk bent over like a rickety old crone. Wanna know the last time I had pain this bad? April 2009. I blamed the fact that I'd been hauling buckets of rocks from the front flower beds to out behind the garage. Found out a month later that I'd been pregnant since March. It's really hard not to get a little hopeful that the same thing is happening again. I know it isn't necessarily an omen, but I can't help it. My period is due tonight or tomorrow. I can't remember the last time I was late. If history holds then it should start very lightly tonight and pick up to full force tomorrow.

This pain is so terribly bad that I want to just bawl like a wounded beast, so why am I just sitting here grinning like an idiot? This is gonna be one hell of a twisted and cruel trick if it is just the worst PMS back pain I've ever experienced in my life. However, if it does turn out to be just PMS pain then at least it will be done in a few days. When I was pregnant last time this went on for almost two long and painful weeks. On the chance that I am pregnant, I'm hesitant to take anything stronger than tylenol so it may be a long restless night.

I didn't take a HPT this morning because I just didn't want to see another negative. I'll take one tomorrow morning for sure. Being at work will be interesting, if even possible. I seriously can't stand up straight and I have to walk like I'm 14 months pregnant just to try and keep the pain from bringing me to my knees. In my efforts to find relief I am getting myself into seated or lying down positions that I then can't really get myself back out of. I left to do grocery shopping at 5, thinking this was PMS pain which I can usually grit my teeth and walk through. About 10 minutes into my shopping I had to call Kyle to come rescue me since I couldn't bend down or reach up to get anything from the shelves.

I should be furious and cranky as hell from the pain, but I can't help but smile. Damn I shouldn't be thinking positive, this is only going to make it harder when this turns out to be just PMS.

Only 8 or 9 hours before I take that test!

It's amazing how big a toddler's presence really is!

Kaleb spent the night at Frank and Annette's last night so we could enjoy a birthday dinner celebration for Kyle. We went over to their house around 3, hung out and heard about their trip to meet Miss Avery Ann, had some bday cake, and then came home around 5:15, leaving Kaleb there. It is so odd to be here at home without him. He's not even 3 feet tall and weighs in at all of 26 lbs, but this house feels empty without him.

We've still got all his toys strewn all over the place, there are still two larger than life dogs, and two cats, and both of us, but without that little dude this house is just not at all the same. "Missing him" doesn't really do justice to what it feels like to be at home without him here. When it is both Kyle and I home and Kaleb isn't with us, well that is just an empty and very prominent "something major is missing from this picture" kind of feeling.

It is odd to try and think back to the days before Kaleb was part of our family. The days when it was just Kyle and Sarah (and dogs and cats) and only adult stuff in the house, no climbing gym in the living room, no toys and blocks and random tupperware bowls littered everywhere. What did we used to have on our coffee table?? I remember it being always cluttered, but what was on it? At this moment it is covered in board books, one plastic easter egg (a great example of the random stuff toddlers decide is their fav toy of the day), an infant/toddler nail clipper, a baby thermometer, and some papers I need to fill out for day care. The entire house is like that, Kaleb's stuff everywhere, and it is tough to recall a time when this stuff wasn't here and to try and remember what used to be our "home clutter" before he joined our lives.

It is frequently said that after children your lives are just never the same, you become new/different people. I get that but it always bugged me because people could never give me specific examples of what they meant. This is a great example of the implications of that statement. Your home, family, and entire world revolves around this little person who can't really even talk to you yet. It isn't a choice or conscious effort on you or your spouse's part to make this happen, somehow it just gets to that point.

One day you are just the two of you, with full and busy lives that have adult patterns and adult clutter and you are fulfilled and happy. Then, you find out a little new family member is on the way. You make some plans, devote one room in your home to be that little person's space, and try to imagine how you'll fit "parenting" into your already established adult patterns that make up your full and busy lives. Then, little one arrives and those first 8-12 weeks are nothing short of a war zone, with the goal being to get everyone out alive and with at least a little sanity left. Very quickly you realize that a baby needs ALL the space in a home, you can't contain them or all this new baby clutter to just one room.

During these first weeks you are so focused on just surviving that you don't even notice what is going on, how every adult pattern is shattered and new patterns take shape. Adult clutter is moved, shuffled out the way to make room for increasing amounts of baby clutter. You emerge from that newborn stage and start to feel a little more comfortable with being parents, and you don't even notice yet that you aren't the same person anymore. The old you is gone, the old way of relating to your spouse is a thing of the past, replaced with this new (and in my opinion, radically better) relationship with this person. The term "life partner" is so much richer now, you are no longer two people living side-by-side, sharing a love for each other. You are parents together now with a shared focus and a new common epicenter to your daily living, and the love you had for each other has now expanded to include a fierce and insanely strong love for this person you have created and now sustain together.

Then, one Sunday morning you wake up to an empty home. You had a beautiful time the night before, reconnecting and remembering how much you love each other. But, as you sit on your couch like you used to do every weekend morning before baby arrived, you look at each other and say "It feels so empty without him here!" And then it hits you, you aren't the same couple anymore, you are a family now. You still love each other, you still have busy adult lives to live, but it feels somewhat drab and not nearly as important as it all used to seem. And you just want it to be time to go get your kid so your family is complete and your home is full again.

That's what it means when people tell you that your lives will never be the same after kids.

God really does provide

Another negative HPT this morning, I'm now 12 days past ovulation (dpo). Wanted to get that out there first because the title may lead some to think I got my BFP. Not yet.

A few weeks ago I was teaching a licensing class at work (people come in who want to take the state exam for their insurance license and I spend 5 days teaching a class on everything they need to know to ace that test and become a property and casualty insurance agent). At the end of one day I was coming back from the bathroom and ran into a friend I haven't seen in a looong time. We used to hang out back in the "glory days" of my mid-twenties, aka, we used to party together :) We've kept up on facebook but haven't really chatted or hung out in well over a year, probably two years. She is pregnant and expecting a little boy this fall, so exciting! We chatted for a few minutes, did the obligatory "we should do lunch" and went our separate ways. A few weeks later she posted on my facebook wall asking what I thought about my day care. That became the catalyst to actually do lunch, which we did this week.

At this lunch we talked about all kinds of stuff, pregnancy and mommy related mostly. And it was at this lunch that she shared with me that she didn't get her BFP until something like 15 dpo! She shared with me her entire TTC journey and it really helped put things in perspective for me. Thank you, Lord, for sending her my way so she could encourage me and remind me that there is still hope, whether it is this cycle or the next or whenever it may happen.

I've also recently begun an email correspondence with another friend that I see occasionally but lives on the other side of the state. She just had a precious and ridiculously adorable little boy a few months ago. I met her years ago through Kyle, she and her family have been life long family friends of the Remsburgs. I remember when Kyle and I were in that "I really like him but he is my best friend and I don't want to jeopardize it so I'm not going to do anything" phase, we went and hung out with her while she house sat for her parents and she pretty much called us out and served as a great kick in the pants for us to get together :)

Anyway, we're friends who see each other at holidays and get along just great, I follow her blog, but we didn't really email a lot. In response to one of her blog posts I sent her an email and now we are back and forth with me having an opportunity to indulge in sharing all I learned as a new mom to Kaleb, as she is going through that same stage right now. She also had a heartbreaking, although ultimately triumphant, TTC story. And she has been sprinkling our emails with encouragement for me and offered help or advice or a listening ear as I go through my own journey towards holding another baby. Thank you, Lord, for knowing how distracting and helpful it would be for me to share my experience with someone else.

You know how much I love to share what I've learned with others, and how much I love to talk about what I'm going through with people who have been where I'm at right now. Thank You for bringing these ladies back to my life at this moment!

A Tale of Two Titties

Too far on the title? It cracks me up, but I hope it isn't overly offensive, I know my humor errs on the inappropriate side...

I've been emailing with a friend who recently gave birth to an adorable little guy. She is about to go back to work and was asking me about pumping and milk storage and all that fun stuff. She asked that I post my email to her on my blog so others could access it, so here goes:

I have the Medela Pump In Style Advanced and I pumped directly into bottles because I found I got a more accurate reading on how many ounces I got in a sitting. The pump came with 2 or 4 storage bottles, I think they are 5oz with a yellow cap, these ones:

Figure 2 pump bottles for each session, then figure out how many pumping sessions you'll do in a normal shift of work, that will tell you how many bottles you need to bring with you each day. Then buy twice that amount, so you have two days worth. This way if you guys go out to dinner one night or little dude has a tough night or you just don't feel like washing all those bottles, you have a back up set. And, since they are reusable, you save a ton of $$

I pumped 3 times a day at work, so each morning my breast pump bag had 6 clean pump bottles, along with the rest of the accessories that come with the pump, including the cooler and freezer pack. I had a small bottle brush and a travel container with dish soap, along with a packet of pump cleaning wipes for those days where my schedule was really tight and I didn't have time to wash and dry accessories after a session. You can find these in the breast pump area of any major store. I also had a clean dish towel that I could lay my clean accessories on after each wash. (i had the fortune of special rooms for breast feeding mothers at my work, with sink and fridge and freezers so all us milk-makers could just leave our accessories out on our towels to dry in our private room)

I also had a book with pics of Kaleb in my bag, and some videos of him on my cell phone, ones of him starting to get hungry. Those came in handy if I was having a stressful day and struggling to switch into "milking mode" and the picture book doubled as a brag book.

Another thing to always have in your pump bag are extra pump valve membranes, they wear out after a couple months and then the suction gets messed up, replacing those may be all you need to get supply back on track! These are what I'm talking about


In addition to a place to pump, you will need to have a place at work to store your milk and also a place to wash and dry accessories after each pumping session. I would pump into two bottles, one on each side, then combine the milk all into one of the bottles. This helped me keep an accurate idea of how much milk I was getting, which helped me know how much I still needed for the next day's day care bottles.

When I got home each night I would pour all pumped milk into one or more of the bigger bottles (8 - 10 oz) that I kept in the fridge. Then wash and sterilize all pump accessories, pump bottles, and day care bottles. Get a drying rack that can support everything in one sitting and I encourage you to try these out. They ease your mind, and when the bottles and parts come out of the bag they dry really quickly and without spots on them.

I kept the freshly pumped milk in the fridge, using 10oz bottles with different colored tops or prints, on a first in first out basis. Once the first big bottle was full I'd start another, storing that behind the first, and so on. There was a section in our fridge dedicated to all things breast milk, Kyle and all regular visitors knew not to touch anything there, move anything, or even breathe too close to anything there.

On Monday night I'd put the milk I pumped that day in the big bottles in the fridge, wash and sterilize everything from the day, then once the day care bottles and nipples were dry I'd fill them for the next day from the big fridge bottles.

On Tuesday morning I would wake up at 4:30 and pump, getting the biggest yield of the day and using that to top off day care bottles if needed, pouring the rest into the appropriate big fridge bottle. (the one in the back of the line) Then I'd get ready for work and be ready to breast feed Kaleb when he woke up between 5:30 and 6:30. Pump all day at work, come home, pour the days milk into the last in line fridge bottle, wash and dry, then fill day care bottles for the next day from the first in line fridge bottle. If I was low then I could add an extra pump session around 10:00 PM and then back up at 4:30 to start the day over.

By the end of the week I would almost always have leftover milk, which I would then freeze and add to the freezer stock pile, also operating on a first in first out. I pumped on the weekends along with breast feeding as much as possible in an effort to ramp back up supply. This would be what I'd use for Monday morning day care bottles.

This left my freezer stash for times when I wanted to leave Kaleb with Grandma and Grandpa and go out for a night, or nights I wanted a glass of wine and needed to pump and dump. The freezer stash is good for about 4 months, I think, so if any made it to 3 months I'd just use that up for day care one day and have that much more fresh milk left over that week to freeze.

Just a few more thoughts and then i'll stop, I promise :)

If you can, go to work with your pump before you actually officially start back. This will allow you to go through the process from start to finish, get an idea of how long you can expect it to take, and make it so when you are actually on the clock you already have your system down.

Before you go back to work, try to get a handle on how many ounces baby boy is eating during the normal time you will be away from him, and in what quantities he is eating those ounces at each sitting. I did this by lining up a row of 2oz bottles and feeding Kaleb one after another until he was done. I spent a day doing this and it helped me feel better about how much to put in each bottle for day care. Most day cares will only keep a bottle that has been drank from for 1 hour and then they have to dump what's left down the drain. That will make you very annoyed after all the hard work you do for those ounces! Having a good idea of how much he eats in one session will help prevent that from happening.

I used to send a 2oz "snack" bottle every day along with the rest of his day care bottles. That way if he was still hungry after a regular bottle, for whatever reason, they had the snack for him. Gave me peace of mind that he had plenty to eat, and prevented a lot of wasted milk because they weren't heating another full bottle only to have him drink a few ounces and be full.

Finally, don't steam clean or wash or rinse the hoses that come with the pump. Unless, of course, they get milk in them. But, if the pump is working properly they shouldn't be getting milk in them so if that happens it is probably time to change the valve membranes. If you do get some water in the hoses, or get milk and need to wash, then wash and steam clean and then hook them up to your pump and crank it to the highest setting so the air is pushing in and out to try and dry the hoses. Otherwise they don't ever dry and can get mold in them. For me, if I got water or milk in there I tried one time to wash and if they didn't dry completely I just bought new ones, they are like $5.

And there you have it, an exhaustive account of my pumping and storage strategies :) I have to say, I am having a lot of fun getting to share what I learned, thanks for humoring me and my (hopefully only currently) retired mammaries!

Why did I do that?!

Got up to pee at 4:30 this morning so I took my daily HPT. I bought some Meijer brand ones for after the expensive First Repsonse. Figured that once I got to within 5 days of my period starting I didn't need the fancy expensive ones anymore. The Meijer brand says to wait 3 minutes and to not interpret anything past 10 minutes. Well, as of 3 minutes there was just that damn single line taunting me from the test as it sat on the counter. Instructions also say not to tip the test stick up at any point. I put the test in the trash at 3 minutes and went back to bed.

Got up for real at 5:45 and, because I can never just let it go, I did the usual "check one more time" on the test in the trash. The test had tipped up and when I fished it back out there was another line, the "pregnant" line. However, this was an hour past the original test time and the test stick had tipped up, which instructions were very clear about not letting happen.

With the 10+ First Response tests I've taken over the past two cycles, when they tipped up in the trash and I came back an hour or more later to look, they were still pure negative. But this could just be because I am using a different brand now. Googled "False Positive" and pretty much confirmed that is what happened, it was just an evaporation line on the Meijer test. Of course, I can't help but sit here going crazy wondering if that is really the case or if tomorrow there will be enough hormone in my system for a real positive. What if that line showed up at 7 minutes?

Why the hell did I buy a different brand? Why the hell didn't I wait the full 10 minutes to see. Why the hell did I fish it out of the trash an hour later? I know better than that. I just couldn't help myself and now my reward is 24 hours of going back and forth between "maybe, just maybe!" and "stop it right now, young lady, you know that was a false positive, don't make it worse with false hope!"

Damn.

I should have known it would get to this

I did hold out, didn't take the HPT until yesterday morning. One lonely line. Had a dream last night about implantation bleeding, so real I thought it actually happened. It didn't. Took another HPT this morning, another lonely line. Next Monday is the day I should be starting a new cycle, unless I'm pregnant. The majority of info I read says implantation takes place 6-8ish day past ovulation. That's yesterday, today, tomorrow. It can take up to 3 days (or more) after implantation for the body to produce enough hormone for an HPT to pick up. So, I've got enough HPT's under the sink to take me through next Monday. Then I'll know if I should buy another sensor for the OVwatch or if I can triumphantly return it to the person I borrowed it from.

There is a good chance I'll get to travel to my company's home office, in Los Angeles, to deliver a workshop the first full week of December. When approached about making the trip the very first thing I checked was my ovulation tracking app on my phone to see if I'd be fertile at that time. That, to me, is a sign that this is starting to take over my mind. I suppose that it is inevitable. Everything I do or plan is in terms of "will I be fertile/ovulating?". Hopefully I'll be just starting to show by then, but if not, at least the trip is the week after ovulation so I won't be missing an opportunity. I'm shaking my head at myself as I type this, I'm getting out of control.

In other news, Kaleb and Kyle are doing great. Kaleb is talking like crazy, repeating things and offering his own statements. He definitely has an opinion on just about every part of his day. From what to wear to how much powder goes in his diaper (something he insists is part of every diaper change now) to whether we have ketchup or bbq sauce with dinner. It is amazing to watch his temperament coming through more and more and to see him as a separate and unique person. He is such an easy and awesome kid!

Here we go again

I'm 4-5 days post ovulation. We were "active" for the 4 days leading up to and including ovulation. It is Friday night and since late afternoon I have been experiencing some mild cramping in my lower abdomen. This could be implantation cramping. I'm not due for my period for 9-10 more days. I'm excited and nervous and apprehensive because I could just be imagining this. I'm not imagining this, but I just don't want to get my hopes up. I want this so damn bad. I need to be patient. I need to remember that, even if there is a tiny little bean implanting in my uterus right now, it might not stick. I'm trying really hard to not let this drive me bat shit crazy right now. I think the tone of this email, the short sentences, the lack of emoticons or exclamation points, is betraying my calm exterior. I want a baby, I've wanted a baby for 17 months now. Yes I've only been trying for 2 of those months, but I've been aching for another infant for so long. I do love Kaleb so much, but I just really want to be pregnant again. I'm scared that if I do get pregnant I'm still going to get my period. This is where my head and heart are at right now. Supposed to wait until Mon or Tues to take the HPT, I don't know that I'm going to be able to hold out.

This is now, but think about what it means for "then"

I'm reading a book called Unconditional Parenting right now, just starting it actually, so I'm still in the intro part. The author, Alfie Kohn, is discussing how many parenting techniques focus on producing 'obedient' children, kids who do what they are told, when they are told, and don't cause too much disruption or inconvenience to the adults in their lives. I confess, I am guilty of sometimes wanting this from Kaleb "Just sit down and be quiet and play nicely with the toy!" or something along those lines. Kohn has issued a challenge to me (the reader) to stop and consider the kind of person I want Kaleb to be when he is older, what character traits do I want him to possess? Once you know that, then compare that with what you are teaching them to be now. Here is an excerpt that I particularly like where he shares something another author says to parents who complain that their teenagers don't stand up to peer pressure:

"Author Barbara Coloroso remarks that she's often heard parents of teenagers complain, 'He was such a good kid, so well behaved, so well mannered, so well dressed. Now look at him!' To this, she replies:

From the time he was young, he dressed the way you told him to dress; he acted he way you told him to act; he said the things you told him to say. He's been listening to somebody else tell him what to do...He hasn't changed. He is still listening to somebody else tell him what to do. The problem is, it isn't you anymore; it's his peers."

That's as far as I've read so far, so I'm not sure if he is going in the direction I assume he is when I read that. To me it is a perfect wake-up call as I navigate temper tantrums and Kaleb's emerging sense of Me, Mine, I...self. Because, when I stop to think about the traits I want him to possess as a teen, young adult, grown man, I can see the development of those traits already taking place. Self-reliance, curiousity, willing to stand up for what he wants even when no one else agrees with him. There are more, but to name a few. I really appreciate this perspective on my current situation. Not that the tantrums and the "do it self" or the "it has to only be that sippy cup, I don't care that it is dirty and you have an identical one that is clean, I only want THAAAAAAT ONE!!" or all the other nuances to his behavior lately aren't challenging. But, when I put them in the long-term perspective and project out into the future what the underlying drivers of these current behaviors are, I can see that he is shaping up to be quite an amazing person.

A tad rambly, wanted to get that captured before I lost the sentiment :)

2 Beers or Not 2 Beers, that is my question

If my cycle was early civilization, this weekend would be the fertile crescent...yeah, sorry, that's so lame. I'm trying hard not to get obsessed, to just take it easy and trust that whatever is meant to happen is exactly what is going to happen, no matter what I think or do or feel. There is a small amount of control I can exert on this baby #2 journey, but only to a point. At some point I just need to let go and let God, I know this. I know that stressing and obsessing about fertility and timing is counter-productive and that I just need to chill the F out. But it is hard. really hard. (that's what she said...sorry, couldn't pass that one up)

I am due to ovulate in the next few days, so now is the time of trying with a purpose. In only two more weeks I will know if this month was a success or if we are going on month 3. I know it is whiney and ridiculous to have any sadness or disappointment over having to maybe wait more than two months. Please don't think I don't fully comprehend the blessings I already have in my life. I have a healthy, amazing, beautiful baby who I adore. I know how truly blessed I am to have this, and I know that there are many many couples out there who would scoff at my daring to feel disappointment over having to wait more than two months. In the grand scheme of things, if I had to wait a year, or if we aren't blessed with another pregnancy, I know I still come out ahead of the game. That said, I think it is valid to feel disappointment, so long as I keep it in perspective.

Tonight we are going to the at-home reception for the wedding we went to in Jamaica. There will be alcohol. For me not to drink would definitely raise some eyebrows, not that that matters at all, most things I do cause at least someone's eyebrows to crawl up their foreheads ;) Anecdotal suggestions from people who have tried to conceive for months then had success would tell me to have a few drinks, relax, enjoy myself. Medical fear-mongering (probably a little dramatic of a term, but I'm sensitive right now and the reading I just did annoyed me a bit) would tell me that being in the presence of alcohol will cause every egg in my body to shrivel and die instantly and forever dash my baby hopes. (again, gross exaggeration, but I'm confused and battling a raging baby feva right now so I'm entitled) I'd love to catch a mild (2 - 3 beers) buzz, enjoy the company of friends I don't get to see often enough, and then come home and rest with a clear conscience. And, yes, I can have fun without alcohol, but let's be frank here, not as much fun when everyone around you is kicking back ice cold beers and laughing a little too hard at jokes and stories.

But, if I do indulge and follow the "relax, stop worrying about it, and it will happen because you won't be as stressed" advice and then we don't get pregnant this month, I know I'm going to blame myself and my selfish decision to drink. Then again, if I abstain completely tonight and we don't get pregnant this month then I am going to blame myself and my futile attempt to exert complete control over something I don't have complete control over. Good heavens, if this is me going into month 2, what am I going to look/sound like when we are starting tracking on month 12?

This house is cleeee-auh!

It would appear that Kaleb's 10+ day streak of clinging to me and dissolving into tears and fits over any frustration has passed, praise the Lord!! Yesterday and today I got 'good reports' from day care (meaning he didn't bite, hit, or push any friends and didn't raise hell for his teachers) and our mornings and nights have been pleasant and full of giggles and smiles again. It is sooo great to have my sunshine boy back to his happy self. What changed? I have two theories:

1. I've immersed myself in reading about temperament, age-appropriate behavior for toddlers, and realistic expectations for parents to hold. This has helped in a number of ways. I've got a richer and more accurate vocabulary now to use when thinking about Kaleb's behavior, I have a better understanding of the world from his perspective, and, perhaps the most helpful of all, I know that this is completely normal behavior and that we aren't at all the only parents who experience this. I've come across an arsenal of parent-tested tips and ideas for preventing, avoiding, weathering, and picking up the pieces after meltdowns. Just reading the stories of other parents who have navigated the toddler years with an active, perceptive, low frustration tolerance child has been beneficial in helping me feel less helpless, less alone, and less embarrassed by the major meltdowns. All this has caused me to step back, objectively (or at least as objectively as possible) consider Kaleb's behavior and my reactions to it, and see specific things I can do to help him manage his frustrations and emotions. I'm sure that my own approach and attitude adjustment have made a difference in my own perception of Kaleb and his actions.

2. Whatever demon had possessed my sweet angel boy has grown tired of torturing me and has moved on to some other poor unsuspecting family.

Whichever of the two options it was, I'm feeling better, more confident, and ready for whatever comes next. Also, a little apprehensive of whatever comes next, cuz ya know it is going to be something! One phase down, on the next, whatever that may be!

I swear, it's a one way street!!

I don't think Kaleb believes me that he can't crawl back into the uterus! For 8 looooong days now we have been dealing with a clingy, all Mommy all the time little boy. I'm not certain what is going on, but if I'm not carrying him or in some other way attached to him he is on the floor going into meltdown. This could be the backlash from our trip. This could also be some regression due to the verbal and physical advances he's made in the last few weeks. He is talking up a storm now, and mimics everything I say, which is both fun and scary. He is walking on tip-toe and running very well. I've read that this is also the age where he really starts to grasp the idea that he is an individual person, separate from me. I love him so much, but I'd be lying if I said this phase isn't wearing me down. Kyle tries to help, but Kaleb wants nothing to do with anyone but me right now. I keep reminding myself that this is a phase, it will pass.

I mentioned last week that I was going to start food journaling, and I've made it a full week. I am very happy to report a 6 pound weight loss this week!! With Kaleb being so needy I haven't been able to keep up the exercise, so these results are a great surprise :)

In other news, Kari and JB had their baby yesterday! Avery Ann Ryan, a beautiful little girl. Everyone is doing great, Frank and Annette are traveling down tomorrow for a couple weeks. We will plan a visit to introduce Kaleb to his new cousin around Labor Day. I confess, there have been some waves of jealousy. It's embarrassing to admit, because I'm really happy for them. I just really have some wicked baby fever going and I can't wait for it to be my turn again. Just thought I'd keep myself honest by sharing that here.

Well that there's yer problem!

Well, no BFP and I'm 99% sure the red devil has flared it's ugly head as of late last night. I did get caught up in some Google searching of implantation bleeding, but I don't think that's the case this time around. More on that in a bit.

I went back through the app on my phone I've been using to track cycles and predict fertility. Looks like my cycle is 26 days, not 28. Which means I ovulated 2-3 days earlier than I actually thought I did lsat time. And those 2-3 days early were right when we were traveling home (no mile high club this time around) and then the actual ovulation was the day after we got home. I was caught up with Kaleb and Kyle was immediately back to work. We took a couple days "off" just for logistical reasons, thinking we had until Saturday anyway. So, if the math is right, we weren't having sex at all during the 3 days up to and including ovulation, it was the only 3 days we took "off" for pretty much all of June. figures.

So, with my app updated and after verifying this through another source (just in case the app is flawed) I'm due to ovulate again around the 26th of this month, a Tuesday. We'll see if we have better results now that we have a better picture of what is actually happeneing.

On the implantation bleeding vs. period front: noticed a small amount of blood when I stopped in the bathroom on the way out of work last night. Between then and bedtime it was nothing a panty liner couldn't handle. I also had some minor cramping. With Kaleb I had implantation bleeding that was significant enough for me to mistake it for a light period, which is why I went 2 cycles before suspecting something was up. So, there is still a very slim chance that this is more of that. I'm not hopeful, but I'm saving my "bottle of red to drown out the sorrow of the red" wine a little longer. When the bleeding/spotting stops I will take anohter HPT to be sure. I expect to see that lonely single line, and then I'll get good and tosated. I cried a bit last night, I'll cry again then. And then I'll buck up, take a long look at my sweet amazing Kaleb, and get ready to climb back in the saddle (pun intended) in a couple weeks.

Kyle was great about it last night. He isn't usually very "into" this gig, I burned him out on baby talk a few months ago (i've been obsessing and ready for this for over a year now!). But, with the clingy Kaleb thing going on (perhaps another post on that later) and then the mix of hope and depression over the implantation bleeding or period thing, I was quite sad and down in the dumps last night. He sat next to me, reminded me that stress is the enemy of fertility (he just can't help himself, he is wired to solve problems, not listen to them). I told him I wasn't stressed, I had been excited, and so this was a let down. I told him I understand it is unlikely to happen the first time, but logic doesn't really help with emotion. He reached over and rubbed my back for a bit, told me he was ready and willing and we would have another baby soon, then he just let me cry. It's good to feel understood.

I've also got a great friend who is just starting to track cycles and take temperatures (oh yeah, I'll be doing that this round as well). So she and I had a chat about it all yesterday. It really helps to have someone else to go through this with who speaks the language, has read the articles, and all that stuff. K, enough for today.

A few of my favorite things

First, no BFP yet. Today is 7 or 8 days past ovulation, so if there is a little zygote floating around in there it should be implanting into my uterine wall in the next couple of days. If there is not, then I will know by this time next week. Seeing that single line show up on that HPT morning after morning is somewhat discouraging, but this is only the first month out of the gate. I need to manage my expectations and realize it takes some couples a year or more to conceive.

In the meantime, I am having sooo much fun with Kaleb these days. What a cool age and stage he is at right now! Here are a few of my favorite current happenings with my handsome little man:

*"Ohh yeeeaaahh??" This is what I would say just before tickling Kaleb. Now, when he wants to play tickle monster he will run just out of reach of me and say it. I love that he initiates play with me!

*"Eh-skee-me!" Kaleb's version of 'excuse me'. He says it after he burps or coughs, and it is adorable! He also says it after Kyle and I do either of those, so he is our little manners patrol these days.

*"Bess-you!" Says this after he sneezes, but not after anyone else does...we're still working on developing the understanding of what 'bless you' is really for, but for now it is pretty cute to see a toddler sneeze then say 'bess you!'

*"Mommy help!" and "Mommy fix it!" said with complete confidence that I will be able to help with or fix whatever the problem may be. It is an amazing feeling being that important in someone's world. Kaleb has so much trust in me being there for him. I love to sit and watch him go out and explore his world, serving as that anchor point that he can run back to every now and again for a kiss, a hug, to show a cool rock to, or to help when something doesn't work like he expects it to.

*Continuing on the above theme, Kaleb has so much trust in me, and also in Kyle. We took him swimming yesterday and Kyle was in the pool with him practicing going under water (first time we tried this, total success!) You can just see the level of trust he has in his daddy. If Kyle had his arms around him, then Kaleb wasn't scared to try anything. I know nature plays a big role in temperament, but I also personally acknowledge the role of nurture. Observing Kaleb at play makes me feel proud of the job Kyle and I have done in nurturing his natural curiosity and the work we have done to teach him that the world is a fun and exciting place just waiting to be explored.

Today we are heading to Cascade Park to do some recon work. Kyle is hosting his company picnic there in a few weeks so we are going to check it out from that perspective. It will also be a great chance for Kaleb to play on all that super fun playground equipment :)

Baby Wait and Baby Weight

I cheated. I took a HPT yesterday morning and this morning, even though I'm supposed to wait until tomorrow morning at the very earliest. Both tests so far were negative, and I shouldn't be surprised and I shouldn't be let down because they are supposed to be negative right now. But, alas, I felt some mild disappointment. It doesn't help that I have been having ridiculously vivid and constant dreams about getting a positive test. My brain is messing with me big time! Based on the science, it can take up to 3 days from ovulation for fertilization can occur, and then something like 3 to even 10 days for that fertilized egg to float around in my uterus before it implants into the uterine wall. Once implantation happens, the hormone HCG starts to be produced. This is what a HPT is looking for in your urine. The presence of HCG will result in a positive test. So, there could be a fertilized egg floating around in there right now, or there could not and I just will have to keep testing until I get that positive or until I get that period. I'm still holding onto the "it is okay if it doesn't work the first time, there is always next month and the month after that". But, as a member of the instant gratification world we all live in these days, I'd be lying if I didn't tell you I do really want it just to work this first time.

However, if it doesn't work this time, then at least I have a little bit more time to try to take this weight off before having to worry about growing another human. I'm getting pretty frustrated with the weight loss efforts. I swear I don't eat crap food, and I have worked out an average of 30-45 minutes for 6 days a week since June, with the week off for vacation. And before that I was getting 30-45 minutes in about 4 days a week since May. But my weight hasn't budged. Not one single pound. What the heck is going on?? Even 2 pounds would help me feel like the time I spend every night after work ignoring my son so I can exercise will be worth it in the long run. So, I'm starting to food journal, as of yesterday. It did stop me from eating a handful of gummy bears. I was reaching for them then stopped to check the calories, knowing I'd have to write them down the minute they crossed my lips. So, maybe that will be the difference maker. Maybe, just maybe, I wasn't doing as well as I thought I was on the diet part. And I've heard and read for years that weight loss is about 80-90% diet. But it is just so crappy to have worked out so hard, we are talking high-intensity interval training here, and see nothing for it. And, as mean and nasty and catty as this is, I get super jealous and even mildly depressed when I see other new moms who have lost all the baby weight and look amazing just a few months after giving birth. I know, all women are different, but I wish I didn't have to be the fat one. I tell myself that those women were very strict and disciplined during their pregnancy, unlike my indulgent self who packed on 67 pounds. ugghhh, stupid body image issues.

Anyway, food journaling now and by this time next week I will either be happy to report a new pregnancy or happy to report some weight loss. I am stubbornly holding out hope that one of those is GOING to be true in just one more week.

Strangely Zen

I posted earlier about how hard it would be to spend this week waiting to take the HPT on Saturday. Instead I am surprisingly calm and not all that anxious. I've done lot's of reading and know that conceiving the first month you start trying is about a 1 in 5 chance. I kind of feel okay with the idea that it might not have worked this time around. There is always next month, and that would mean I could partake in the icy cold beers at Kyle's work picnic and at the wedding reception we have coming up this month.

I'm sure if the test is negative I will feel some disappointment, but right now I don't think it is going to be as big of a deal as I originally thought it would be. We are at a great spot family-wise right now. Kaleb is 18 months and pretty easy to take care of for the most part. His schedule is predictable, he has all kinds of words so I can understand what he needs and wants, and he can go all kinds of fun places with us and all I really need to do to get out of the house is refresh his sippy cup and grap the diaper bag. These are the things I think of when I consider that our due date may shift from late March to late April or even May. I'm okay with that,at least at this moment.

That said, since Saturday I have had two very vivid dreams centered on positive HPT's. Today I am more tired than usual and I am feeling slight nausea, the kind where you want to take deep breaths and just kind of hold still. I realize this could easily be a psychosomatic thing since being pregnant has been on my mind constantly this week. But, there ya have it. I'm supposed to wait until Saturday morning to pee on the stick, but I just found a box with a couple tests in it and I think I might just go ahead and try tomorrow morning...as another wave of nausea rolls over me just now. What if?? What if I am pregnant right now?!?! This is so exciting!

Kaleb's week at Grandma and Grandpa Remsburg's house

To capture the fun-filled week Kaleb spent at the Remsburg's house while we were in Jamaica, I'm going to just copy and paste in the great email updates that Annette sent me throughout the week.

Monday, 6/20
Hi Sarah and Kyle,

We had a pleasant stroll, a fun bath (after loading and re-loading the little truck with wood chips) and a nice normal bedtime. Everybody we saw on our walk says he is sooo cute with his big brown eyes!

Tomorrow we plan to be at the Gardens for morning play time and then home for a nap.We appreciate all of the instructions and equipment you provided.

Have a great trip...congrats to Kevin!!

Love,

Gwamma and Papa

Tuesday, 6/21
Hi guys,

Hope you have arrived at your destination and found it to be as beautiful as you remembered. Here's just a few quick notes about our busy day:
first had a big breakfast and then checked out the big trucks and backhoes on the construction site;
10 - 12 at the Gardens where Kaleb helped out with storytime and climbed the treehouse stairs a couple times;
nap and good lunch;
Cascade library petting zoo and playtime;
good snack and another stroll (and another brief nap);
not much dinner but drank his milk by bedtime (now).

Tomorrow morning we plan to go to stroytime at the library for toddlers 3 and under and grab some swimmie dipes if the weather is good.

Lots of rain this eve--our road looked like a river. Hope your weather is great!!

Love,

Papa and Gwamma

Wednesday, 6/22
Hi Sarah and Kyle,

We just wrapped up a nice day; filled with a variety of things to do. After a cucumber and fruit, yogert and peanut toast breakfast, we went to the kids time at the library (lots of kids to watch and interact with) then couple shopping stops. A good lunch, great nap and a walk in between rain showers and that covered the afternoon. This eve, we headed to a fun night at church. This included face painting, (Kaleb had a butterfly painted on the back of one hand...but that wasn't enough so the second hand had to get a butterfly too...wow; very cool!), jumbo chalk coloring, dancing, and a nice meal wrapped up with Culvers ice cream (yogert). Bedtime was relatively smooth and peaceful with favorite books on Gwanma's lap.

We're now having R & R before hitting the sack.

We trust the swim up refreshment stand is getting plenty of business and dive outing was enjoyable and fun.

Love,

Pa Pa and Gwanma R

Friday, 6/24
We hope you're having a great time. As we recall, the wedding was scheduled for today...hope it went off without a hitch, so to say. We also hope your weather has been better than around these parts. It's been a very wet and cool week. The sun has come out in just the last little bit; first time in several days and we barely made it into the mid 60's. But that hasn't slowed us down any. We're getting in plenty of play time, several walks each day and good book-time and great eats too. Kaleb seems to be managing his PaPa and Gwanma pretty well. He tells us 'more', 'outside', 'passy' and other very important instructions. Our neighbors just can't believe how adorable he is and very expressive too. He is always ready to say 'Hi' and 'Bye'.

With a great looking forecast coming, we plan to head to Stony for Sat and Sun and return midday Mon. Everything is going very well and we can tell how well you have done with him and encouraged his sense of wellbeing and exploration.

Our love,

PaPa and Gwanma R

If you believe in signs and all

According to my phone app and the ovulation predictor kit I bought, this is the big weekend. Yesterday afternoon I felt a mild pain in the side of my abdomen. When I was reading online this morning about trying to conceive I learned that some women feel this type of pain upon ovulation. Could be I imagined it because it is all I've been thinking about lately. This morning I woke up to see that the first flower has bloomed on my lily. I'm reading a series of books right now with a lot of magic and omens and all that kind of good stuff, so my imagination is running rampant on all that fuel! The first thought in my head when I saw that single first bloom this morning was "Wow! Talk about a great omen for fertility!" Yes, I know, I am a little off my rocker, but there you have it :)
In other news, Jamaica was fabulous and I'll probably need to just do a separate post to capture all of that. I'll also be posting later with the email updates that Annette sent about their time with Kaleb, he was such a good boy for them and they had all kinds of great adventures!

This is going to be tough :(

We celebrated Father's Day with the Remsburgs today, and spent some time discussing grocery shopping and gear for Kaleb's stay with them next week. When we got to talking about how the Monday drop off will go I found myself getting a little choked up. I've been trying very hard not to dwell on the fact that I'm leaving my baby for an entire week. I've tried focusing on the upside, the bonding time with my husband, the great opportunity for Kaleb to have special time with his grandparents, the amazingness of an entire week with no one else to take care of but myself. But, it is getting too close now and I can no longer just plug my ears and sing "la la la" like it isn't happening. It's happening. I'm getting on a plane and flying far far away from my baby boy. So far that, if anything happens to him, it will take me a minimum of half a day to get back to him. And for so long that he will have new skills and words by the time I see him again. I'm going to have a serious struggle to not break down and cry when we are leaving him. I am certain I'll be a hot mess in the car after we leave the Remsburgs. I'm going to miss my little sunshine boy so so SOOOO much. The part of me that excels in worst-case-scenario planning is starting to try to run away with my imagination. I admit it. I'm scared to leave him and the fact that both Kyle and I are leaving him makes it even scarier. All the necessary affairs are in order, if the absolute worst were to happen, we've been responsible parents in making sure Kaleb is taken care of. I know. I'm a bit twisted, but I feel like I have to think of this stuff. I can't wait for the trip, and I *will* have fun, and I *won't* spend the entire trip moping around missing my baby. But, when the end of the trip arrives, I'll also be insanely excited to get on the plane home to my sweet little sunshine boy!

Obsessed

I can't stop thinking about getting pregnant. I'm already anxious to take a test, and I won't even be ovulating for over two weeks. This is crazy. If I'm this bad now, how insane will it be having to wait another full long drawn out week after ovulation?!? As I type this I realize it is probably super annoying and potentially even mildly offensive to anyone who has experienced trying for a baby and not having immediate success. And I'm aware that I may not have immediate success. I don't handle it well at all when there is something that is out of my control. And, to an extent, this totally is out of my control. This is going to be a long 3 weeks. Maybe longer than that. Wow. This is intense. I just can't believe the time is finally here. I've been waiting for over a year for this trip to get here, for this specific purpose. While I was waiting, sure, I thought about how much I wanted another baby. But that was a different kind of waiting because I knew we had to get through this trip first. Now this trip is 4 days away. The time is here, the ovulation is being tracked, I just reeeeeeeally want to get this show on the road!!!

It's Countdown Time!!!

Next Tuesday, Kyle and I will be heading to Jamaica for a fabulous week at Couples Swept Away, the resort we were married at. We are heading back to celebrate the wedding of a friend of ours who was there when we said our vows. Kaleb will be spending the week with Grandma and Grandpa Remsburg, as the resort is adults-only. It is going to be amazing to spend a week at a beautiful all-inclusive resort, no worries and no responsibilities. I can't wait for the chance to reconnect with my husband and enjoy some time with just the two of us!
And, while this in itself is worthy of a countdown ticker, it isn't what has me excited to the point of complete distraction. I've been ready to have another baby since Kaleb was 3 months old. We decided to hold off until after this trip because I didn't want to be pregnant at an all-inclusive. I also didn't want to have to worry about maintaining a breast-feeding supply while away for a week. So, for about a year now, this trip has represented to me the chance to grow our family. Now it is a week away and I'm so out of control excited to try for another baby that I seriously can barely contain myself.
I try to reign it in, try to acknowledge that it might not work, we may not be blessed with another. But my uterus is running the show right now. I've got the baby feva like you wouldn't believe and I can't wait for next week!!!