Kaleb was finally born on Monday, 12/21/2009, at 9:14PM via C-section. He was 8 pounds, 5 ounces and 21 inches long. Labor was 30 hours long, and while there is a great story to be told there, I don't want to waste time on telling that one right now, perhaps another post.
My little man is almost 6 weeks old already and he has stolen my heart in so many ways, I could never have imagined just how intense my love for him would be. Currently he is sound asleep on my chest with a nice full tummy, blissfully unaware of anything and everything going on around him, trusting that he is completely safe as long as Mommy has him. I'm typing at an extremely awkward angle since he is kind of in the way of being able to hold my computer in my lap, so I'm making due, such is the story of my life now :)
Being someone's Mommy is so amazing, so hard, so beautiful, so frustrating, so rewarding, so exhausting, it is just so...everything. There are times when I'll look at him and feel the most intense surge of love and protective feelings towards him, a feeling so deep that it honestly clears everything else from my mind, at times stops my breath, and brings tears to my eyes. There are times (usually times between midnight and 6 am) when he starts crying to be fed and I feel like I can't keep this up, like I'm just too tired and I want to just roll over and sleep more, ignore or put off taking care of this task like I used to be able to do with other responsibilities in my life, but I know I can't do that. He needs me, depends on me, and that feeling of being completely responsible for him, of knowing that he absolutely needs me to do and be everything for him right now...it is hard to put into words what that feels like. It is an odd blend of overwhelming exhaustion at the knowledge of how all-encompassing and never-ending this Mom thing is, while simultaneously feeling energized those same realities.
I absolutely love the way that Kaleb already knows that I'm his Mommy. How he can be crying/upset and once I pick him up and sing or talk to him he calms down. The way he responds to me, my voice and my presence, in a way that he doesn't do for anyone else. I'm thinking this is what people mean when they talk about 'bonding', the strong connection that he and I share. I love watching him develop his trust in me to always be there and know what to do to make things better, whether it is singing to him over and over one of the silly songs I've written for him until my throat is aching, or bouncing him in my arms until my muscles are burning, or walking laps around the house, feeding him, changing him, playing with him or giving him a quiet and safe place to rest. Kaleb is learning that Mommy is here and that she loves him and will always take care of him, and that translates into my being able to calm or soothe him more quickly than anyone else, which is something I feel an enormous sense of pride and accomplishment over! I've always enjoyed learning new things, and learning the ins and outs of being Kaleb's mommy, the specifics and details of exactly what he needs from me, this has been the hands down favorite learning experience of my life!