Rest in peace, Joe

On Sunday our dog, Joe, passed away while up at the cottage with Kyle for the weekend. Based on the symptoms we believe it was canine bloat. Kyle was up there for a bachelor party all weekend. Joe was fine all weekend, then early Sunday morning he started having some trouble. His stomach swelled up and was hard to the touch. He was outside laying down and then he stopped breathing. I want to capture this here because Joe was a part of our family.

My brother and brother-in-law where up at the cottage as well, so they were there to help Kyle bury Joe in the pet cemetery up there. I'm thankful they were there. Kyle is a strong, tough guy but no man is immune to the emotions of having to bury his dog, and Kyle is no exception to that. I'm sad I wasn't able to be there with and for him, but was glad Kyle had family there when it happened.

It is odd not having Joe here, every time a motorcycle drives by this week I have caught myself still cringing and waiting for Joe to go crazy. Then it doesn't happen. In the morning I think "Oh, I've got to feed Joe" and I catch myself looking for him in the back yard. Any reader who knows me will be aware that Joe was not my favorite thing in life, but I certainly never wanted to see this happen to him. While we've joked about finding him a new home over the past year, we weren't at all prepared for Joe to be gone from our lives this suddenly. A random thought I had this week "I'm glad I got some pictures of Joe sitting quietly with Jacob", because that means we have pictures of both the kids with Joe.

Kaleb has asked once to feed Joe, a chore he very much enjoyed doing, and we kind of skated around the issue because we hadn't discussed yet how we are going to handle explaining this to Kaleb. Since then we have had a chance to talk and are both on the same page: Honesty is the best policy, even when it is hard, and responses to his questions should be direct and brief. If/when Kaleb asks where Joe is we will tell him that Joe died and he is not here anymore. If he wants more of an explanation we'll tell him it means that Joe's body stopped working, that it means he doesn't eat anymore. I went to a couple of my books and many websites and it looks like the experts on this stuff agree with our approach.

Joe was a nervous, shedding, high-strung dog, but he was also gentle and loving towards both of the kids, eager to please, and (generally) obedient. He was a part of our family and he is missed. Rest in peace, Joe.

Lovely Mother's Day!

That's what I had yesterday, not just "Happy", but a day of reveling in the blessing that is my family. In the interest of being able to remember how we spent this first Mother's Day as a family of 4, I'll spend a quick minute capturing the actual events, then get into my actual purpose for this post.

I woke up to wrapped (wrapped!) presents and cards on the kitchen table. The boys gave me a hummingbird feeder and a chrysanthemum that I can plant in the garden. Kyle gave me the Dyson DC35 cordless vacuum, which I had been hinting at wanting for weeks...actually, there were no hints, I believe I said "So, I know people always say to never give appliances as gifts to your wife, but I reeeally want that Dyson!" :) Kyle then made breakfast, asparagus and crab omelette with hollandaise sauce and a side of bacon, and no, I didn't track calories yesterday!

After breakfast we hung out a bit around the house then got everyone dressed and out the door for some playtime and a walk at Riverside Park. While Kaleb napped, I fed Jacob and then Jacob fell asleep as well. That's right, another killer gift from the boys, simultaneous naps! I sat outside in the 70 degree sunny day and kept Kyle company while he did some outside chores. I enjoyed an icy cold Corona while reading the book I bought myself for Mother's Day, Tina Fey's Bossypants (LOVE it!). I also made these Breakfast Cookies which turned out really good considering they have no butter, no oil, no eggs, no flour and just a tablespoon of sugar. (I used dried cherries instead of raisins, and I added chocolate chips to act as toddler bait). Kyle loves them and Kaleb gobbled them down as well, great on-the-go breakfast solution!

After nap we all headed to Cascade Park for more play, and then met up with my family for dinner to celebrate my mom at Carrabba's. It was challenging to be part of the conversation or to enjoy dinner between Kaleb's needs and Jacob needing to eat right when we got there. But, I'm glad we were able to celebrate with my mom! After dinner it was home for bedtime routine and then the plan was to have quiet time watching the new Game of Thrones...but I was asleep on the couch with Jacob by 8:30 and I only woke up long enough to move he and I to my bed.

It was a great Mother's Day and I am very blessed to have two healthy and amazing little boys and a thoughtful husband who makes sure my special days are truly special. Now that I've captured the "what did we do" stuff, let me spend a few minutes on a couple things that made this  more than just a day filled with activities and gifts.

In the car on the way home from Riverside Park, Kaleb said to me from the back seat "Know what, Mommy? I didn't get my kisses yet today!" For the record, he had received multiple kisses and hugs by this point in the day. What made this special is that this is what I say to him all the time and I loved hearing it repeated back. I am proud to have a family where kisses and hugs are the standard, and my son knows they will happen all day, every day.

Jacob has really ramped up the smiling and cooing, and I still can't believe how blessed I am to have another healthy, handsome, happy little boy in my life! He is so BIG! At 5 weeks he is already in size 3m clothes, and they aren't exactly loose or anything. In fact, yesterday Jacob wore the same onesie that Kaleb had worn on his first Mother's Day. But when Kaleb wore it he was 5 months old, Jacob is fitting into it at 5 weeks! He is for sure my solid little tank of a man, I can't wait for his next check up to see what he weighs.

Before Kaleb's bedtime last night I asked Kyle to get a picture of me and the boys. I sat in the glider in the nursery with Jacob and Kaleb climbed onto my lap. Jacob was screaming and fussing his way through some gas pain, and Kaleb was not at all in the mood to cooperate, and I was sporting that "exhausted and at the end of my long day" look. Needless to say, the pictures turned out horribly if the intention was to frame them, or even share them publicly. However, the reality they capture is a perfect snapshot of my life as a mother right now, hectic and tired and busy and with a lap full of love and a smile on my face through it all. When I look at those pictures in the years to come I am going to remember how full my heart was at that moment.

I didn't just have a Happy Mother's Day, I had a day filled with love and laughter with my beautiful little family. I am so very blessed!

Plenty of love, but desperately in need of more "me"!

We knew that Kaleb would have an adjustment period to work through with the addition of Jacob to our family. That was about the extent of our ability to prepare for it though, just knowing it was coming. We couldn't really know what form "it" would take so I just made sure I regularly reminded myself and Kyle that we were going to see some sort of coping from our 2 year old, and it most likely wasn't going to be fun for any of us.

I had also anticipated that there would be some emotions that I'd need to work through over adding a new person to our cozy little unit of 3. I had no idea just how intense and challenging that was going to be for me. I'm finally now, 5 weeks later, starting to find some peace and even a little balance about it all.


I was not at all prepared for the intensity of my reaction to feeling like I was somehow betraying Kaleb by adding a new person to our family. It was *really* hard for me. With having a c-section, I wasn't able to pick Kaleb up or carry him or have him sit on my lap or play with me for that first week. I was pretty much out of commission, short of breast feeding Jacob, for that first week so Kyle was doing everything. This was great for Kyle and Kaleb to really bond and spend some good time together during that first week where Kyle was off work. But I struggled with the fact that I couldn't help, couldn't do Kaleb's bed time, and all the other things that used to be "Mommy things".

Even now, healed completely and back to full capacity, there are times I have to take care of Jacob when Kaleb needs me, and times I need to take care of Kaleb when Jacob needs me. I've been told "this is good for Kaleb, it teaches him patience" and "this is good for Jacob, he doesn't know any better anyway and this will make him a more laid back kid". Okay, I can agree with both of those things, but I still end most days feeling like I've let each of my boys down . I suppose the crux of the issue for me is that I feel like there just isn't enough of me right now, with both boys being at such demanding ages. I have no issue with having plenty of love for both boys, but the reality is there is only so much time and I can't be in more than one place at the same time.This is my struggle with the transition to being a mother of 2, feeling like I just can't possibly give enough of "me" to both of them.

For Kaleb, his transition has been bumpy as well, but like I said, we completely expected that to happen. He has started waking up throughout the night, calling out for me. He had a week of really tough day care drop offs last week. Bedtime became a major battle. We have also started having issues with him throwing toys, both at home and at day care.  He has really started to push his boundaries, and I've had to institute some time outs here at home a few times.

We seem to be making some head way on the day care drop offs and the bed times. I wake up early now with Kaleb to give him plenty of transition time in the mornings, we have Cheerios together, then get dressed, then watch a cartoon and he eats a breakfast cookie. I'm also working to firm up the bed time routine again. Understandably, and to be expected, the first few weeks of Jacob being here, the bed time routine (and every other routine) got pretty lax. Now I try to have Kyle feed Jacob a bottle while I put Kaleb to bed (a great example of not enough "me", Jacob wants to eat at the same time Kaleb needs to go to bed). And I'm firm with Kaleb about "3 stories, 3 songs, 3 kisses and good night". He is still waking up some nights, but we are making progress.

And, lest anyone wonder "why can't Kyle do that stuff?", he can and he does! I am the first to admit that all of this pressure I'm feeling is coming solely from me...and a demanding "I only want my Mommy" set of brothers...but Kyle is right there in the trenches with me, rocking newborns, reading stories to toddlers, responding to middle of the night wake ups, and listening to Mommy melt-down moments in which I'm crying and saying that I just can't do this. In fact, if I didn't have Kyle by my side in this I would have thrown in the towel weeks ago!

I knew things would change, I knew there would be adjustments. I was prepared for Kaleb's but was very surprised by the intensity of my own emotions surrounding all of this. Now that Jacob is here, I need to redefine what it means to me to be Mom to both of these boys. What I expected of myself as Mom to Kaleb just isn't sustainable now that there are two little boys who need me. It is time to evolve into my new role, which is exactly the kind of challenge that I love most :)