Plenty of love, but desperately in need of more "me"!

We knew that Kaleb would have an adjustment period to work through with the addition of Jacob to our family. That was about the extent of our ability to prepare for it though, just knowing it was coming. We couldn't really know what form "it" would take so I just made sure I regularly reminded myself and Kyle that we were going to see some sort of coping from our 2 year old, and it most likely wasn't going to be fun for any of us.

I had also anticipated that there would be some emotions that I'd need to work through over adding a new person to our cozy little unit of 3. I had no idea just how intense and challenging that was going to be for me. I'm finally now, 5 weeks later, starting to find some peace and even a little balance about it all.


I was not at all prepared for the intensity of my reaction to feeling like I was somehow betraying Kaleb by adding a new person to our family. It was *really* hard for me. With having a c-section, I wasn't able to pick Kaleb up or carry him or have him sit on my lap or play with me for that first week. I was pretty much out of commission, short of breast feeding Jacob, for that first week so Kyle was doing everything. This was great for Kyle and Kaleb to really bond and spend some good time together during that first week where Kyle was off work. But I struggled with the fact that I couldn't help, couldn't do Kaleb's bed time, and all the other things that used to be "Mommy things".

Even now, healed completely and back to full capacity, there are times I have to take care of Jacob when Kaleb needs me, and times I need to take care of Kaleb when Jacob needs me. I've been told "this is good for Kaleb, it teaches him patience" and "this is good for Jacob, he doesn't know any better anyway and this will make him a more laid back kid". Okay, I can agree with both of those things, but I still end most days feeling like I've let each of my boys down . I suppose the crux of the issue for me is that I feel like there just isn't enough of me right now, with both boys being at such demanding ages. I have no issue with having plenty of love for both boys, but the reality is there is only so much time and I can't be in more than one place at the same time.This is my struggle with the transition to being a mother of 2, feeling like I just can't possibly give enough of "me" to both of them.

For Kaleb, his transition has been bumpy as well, but like I said, we completely expected that to happen. He has started waking up throughout the night, calling out for me. He had a week of really tough day care drop offs last week. Bedtime became a major battle. We have also started having issues with him throwing toys, both at home and at day care.  He has really started to push his boundaries, and I've had to institute some time outs here at home a few times.

We seem to be making some head way on the day care drop offs and the bed times. I wake up early now with Kaleb to give him plenty of transition time in the mornings, we have Cheerios together, then get dressed, then watch a cartoon and he eats a breakfast cookie. I'm also working to firm up the bed time routine again. Understandably, and to be expected, the first few weeks of Jacob being here, the bed time routine (and every other routine) got pretty lax. Now I try to have Kyle feed Jacob a bottle while I put Kaleb to bed (a great example of not enough "me", Jacob wants to eat at the same time Kaleb needs to go to bed). And I'm firm with Kaleb about "3 stories, 3 songs, 3 kisses and good night". He is still waking up some nights, but we are making progress.

And, lest anyone wonder "why can't Kyle do that stuff?", he can and he does! I am the first to admit that all of this pressure I'm feeling is coming solely from me...and a demanding "I only want my Mommy" set of brothers...but Kyle is right there in the trenches with me, rocking newborns, reading stories to toddlers, responding to middle of the night wake ups, and listening to Mommy melt-down moments in which I'm crying and saying that I just can't do this. In fact, if I didn't have Kyle by my side in this I would have thrown in the towel weeks ago!

I knew things would change, I knew there would be adjustments. I was prepared for Kaleb's but was very surprised by the intensity of my own emotions surrounding all of this. Now that Jacob is here, I need to redefine what it means to me to be Mom to both of these boys. What I expected of myself as Mom to Kaleb just isn't sustainable now that there are two little boys who need me. It is time to evolve into my new role, which is exactly the kind of challenge that I love most :)