Back to Work: The 'Me Too Crew' and 'What's the point?'

I start back to work tomorrow, and I'm both excited and sad at the same time.

I'm emotional over the part of going back to work that means I have to be away from Jacob. At this point, a little too emotional to capture in words. For now, suffice it to say I am squeezing him a little tighter when we rock at night and that tomorrow morning will be one for waterproof eye makeup.

I'm looking forward to getting back to my "real life" again. My leave has been wonderful, but I knew it wasn't a permanent thing and I'm looking forward to getting settled into a weekly routine again. (the actual figuring out of this routine is causing me some crazy stress, more on that soon)


The thing I'm looking forward to the most is getting back to what I now consider my "Me Too Crew" (probably missing some critical punctuation there...deal with it). I have great friends at work, and many of them are parents of young children. I have seriously missed seeing and talking to them daily about the joys and struggles of parenting. There is something so very powerful in sharing what you think is this crazy story, or this major parenting fail, and having someone else (or sometimes an entire group of people) nod their head and say "Yeah, that happened to me, too!" or "Oh man, I've so been there!".


I recently had the wife of one of these friends comment to me on Facebook about how crazy it can be with a 2 year old and an infant. This "me, too!" made me feel so much better about the many times I've felt completely overwhelmed with my boys. I am very happy to be re-joining that conversation with my work peeps, and I know it is going to work wonders on my stress levels!


On the not-so-excited front, I'm definitely stressed about how I'm going to manage my full-time schedule with both kids. I know that there are a lot of women who have done this, and who do it everyday, but it is my first time juggling an infant, toddler, husband, home, and career. Trying to picture how I'll swing work, menu planning, grocery shopping, family dinners every night, quality time with the boys, nurturing a marriage (or at the very least maintaining basic civility towards each other with all the stress!), breast feeding and pumping and storing milk and all the washing and packing of bottles...it is overwhelming to say the least.


This obsessively trying to figure out the perfect arrangement and ordering of tasks each day to ensure that it all gets done has reached a fevered pitch the past few days, as I get closer and closer to going back to work. I was literally pacing the floors the other day, with Jacob in the Moby wrap, trying to work out how I would make family dinners still happen every night.  With Jacob here now, I don't have time to menu plan during Kaleb's Friday nap. And in the summer we go to the cottage a lot on the weekends, which means I won't be able to grocery shop on Saturday, or if we go on Sunday I won't have that time to prep dinners for the week. And, I'll need and want to nurse Jacob right when we get home each night, so I won't be able to work on dinner. And so on and so on, I had myself worked into quite a stress-frenzy. And then, a thought came to me: "Why are you doing family dinners in the first place?" I'd like to say it was the still, small voice of God, but I fear He had to use a louder and more persistent voice to break through my incessant worrying over the details. But, the question came through and it stopped me in my Moby-wearin' tracks.


What IS the reason I wanted to eat dinner as a family every night? I can tell you it didn't have anything to do with playing with new recipes, and it wasn't about planning elaborate menus and spending hours on Pinterest looking for new ideas. No. The point of family dinners is to spend time as a family every day. The food on the table is no where near as important as the people around it. So what if we have sandwiches for dinner? Who cares if it is cereal even, some nights? If my family spends quality time at the cottage or the park on a weekend, that is a GOOD thing, not a nuisance! I can't believe how far from the goal I got, letting myself get stressed and worried, trapped in the details.


I want to be the kind of mother who smiles and laughs, I want my boys to look back on their childhood and see a happy mom who delighted in being with them. I know I will always have stress, raising a family is hard work, juggling career and marriage and children and home is tough for anyone. But, when my boys are grown and we look back over these years, I know it isn't the "Mom always had a balanced nutritious colorful meal" memory that is most important to me that they carry. That will happen some nights, eventually it will happen most nights. What I want my boys to remember when they are grown is more along the lines of "Mom had family dinner for us every night. We talked and laughed and I never once doubted that my parents loved me and wanted to hear about what was going on in my world." Or something like that. THAT is the point of having family dinner every night, and I'm very thankful to the Lord for the reminder this week, I needed it! :)

Rest in peace, Joe

On Sunday our dog, Joe, passed away while up at the cottage with Kyle for the weekend. Based on the symptoms we believe it was canine bloat. Kyle was up there for a bachelor party all weekend. Joe was fine all weekend, then early Sunday morning he started having some trouble. His stomach swelled up and was hard to the touch. He was outside laying down and then he stopped breathing. I want to capture this here because Joe was a part of our family.

My brother and brother-in-law where up at the cottage as well, so they were there to help Kyle bury Joe in the pet cemetery up there. I'm thankful they were there. Kyle is a strong, tough guy but no man is immune to the emotions of having to bury his dog, and Kyle is no exception to that. I'm sad I wasn't able to be there with and for him, but was glad Kyle had family there when it happened.

It is odd not having Joe here, every time a motorcycle drives by this week I have caught myself still cringing and waiting for Joe to go crazy. Then it doesn't happen. In the morning I think "Oh, I've got to feed Joe" and I catch myself looking for him in the back yard. Any reader who knows me will be aware that Joe was not my favorite thing in life, but I certainly never wanted to see this happen to him. While we've joked about finding him a new home over the past year, we weren't at all prepared for Joe to be gone from our lives this suddenly. A random thought I had this week "I'm glad I got some pictures of Joe sitting quietly with Jacob", because that means we have pictures of both the kids with Joe.

Kaleb has asked once to feed Joe, a chore he very much enjoyed doing, and we kind of skated around the issue because we hadn't discussed yet how we are going to handle explaining this to Kaleb. Since then we have had a chance to talk and are both on the same page: Honesty is the best policy, even when it is hard, and responses to his questions should be direct and brief. If/when Kaleb asks where Joe is we will tell him that Joe died and he is not here anymore. If he wants more of an explanation we'll tell him it means that Joe's body stopped working, that it means he doesn't eat anymore. I went to a couple of my books and many websites and it looks like the experts on this stuff agree with our approach.

Joe was a nervous, shedding, high-strung dog, but he was also gentle and loving towards both of the kids, eager to please, and (generally) obedient. He was a part of our family and he is missed. Rest in peace, Joe.

Lovely Mother's Day!

That's what I had yesterday, not just "Happy", but a day of reveling in the blessing that is my family. In the interest of being able to remember how we spent this first Mother's Day as a family of 4, I'll spend a quick minute capturing the actual events, then get into my actual purpose for this post.

I woke up to wrapped (wrapped!) presents and cards on the kitchen table. The boys gave me a hummingbird feeder and a chrysanthemum that I can plant in the garden. Kyle gave me the Dyson DC35 cordless vacuum, which I had been hinting at wanting for weeks...actually, there were no hints, I believe I said "So, I know people always say to never give appliances as gifts to your wife, but I reeeally want that Dyson!" :) Kyle then made breakfast, asparagus and crab omelette with hollandaise sauce and a side of bacon, and no, I didn't track calories yesterday!

After breakfast we hung out a bit around the house then got everyone dressed and out the door for some playtime and a walk at Riverside Park. While Kaleb napped, I fed Jacob and then Jacob fell asleep as well. That's right, another killer gift from the boys, simultaneous naps! I sat outside in the 70 degree sunny day and kept Kyle company while he did some outside chores. I enjoyed an icy cold Corona while reading the book I bought myself for Mother's Day, Tina Fey's Bossypants (LOVE it!). I also made these Breakfast Cookies which turned out really good considering they have no butter, no oil, no eggs, no flour and just a tablespoon of sugar. (I used dried cherries instead of raisins, and I added chocolate chips to act as toddler bait). Kyle loves them and Kaleb gobbled them down as well, great on-the-go breakfast solution!

After nap we all headed to Cascade Park for more play, and then met up with my family for dinner to celebrate my mom at Carrabba's. It was challenging to be part of the conversation or to enjoy dinner between Kaleb's needs and Jacob needing to eat right when we got there. But, I'm glad we were able to celebrate with my mom! After dinner it was home for bedtime routine and then the plan was to have quiet time watching the new Game of Thrones...but I was asleep on the couch with Jacob by 8:30 and I only woke up long enough to move he and I to my bed.

It was a great Mother's Day and I am very blessed to have two healthy and amazing little boys and a thoughtful husband who makes sure my special days are truly special. Now that I've captured the "what did we do" stuff, let me spend a few minutes on a couple things that made this  more than just a day filled with activities and gifts.

In the car on the way home from Riverside Park, Kaleb said to me from the back seat "Know what, Mommy? I didn't get my kisses yet today!" For the record, he had received multiple kisses and hugs by this point in the day. What made this special is that this is what I say to him all the time and I loved hearing it repeated back. I am proud to have a family where kisses and hugs are the standard, and my son knows they will happen all day, every day.

Jacob has really ramped up the smiling and cooing, and I still can't believe how blessed I am to have another healthy, handsome, happy little boy in my life! He is so BIG! At 5 weeks he is already in size 3m clothes, and they aren't exactly loose or anything. In fact, yesterday Jacob wore the same onesie that Kaleb had worn on his first Mother's Day. But when Kaleb wore it he was 5 months old, Jacob is fitting into it at 5 weeks! He is for sure my solid little tank of a man, I can't wait for his next check up to see what he weighs.

Before Kaleb's bedtime last night I asked Kyle to get a picture of me and the boys. I sat in the glider in the nursery with Jacob and Kaleb climbed onto my lap. Jacob was screaming and fussing his way through some gas pain, and Kaleb was not at all in the mood to cooperate, and I was sporting that "exhausted and at the end of my long day" look. Needless to say, the pictures turned out horribly if the intention was to frame them, or even share them publicly. However, the reality they capture is a perfect snapshot of my life as a mother right now, hectic and tired and busy and with a lap full of love and a smile on my face through it all. When I look at those pictures in the years to come I am going to remember how full my heart was at that moment.

I didn't just have a Happy Mother's Day, I had a day filled with love and laughter with my beautiful little family. I am so very blessed!

Plenty of love, but desperately in need of more "me"!

We knew that Kaleb would have an adjustment period to work through with the addition of Jacob to our family. That was about the extent of our ability to prepare for it though, just knowing it was coming. We couldn't really know what form "it" would take so I just made sure I regularly reminded myself and Kyle that we were going to see some sort of coping from our 2 year old, and it most likely wasn't going to be fun for any of us.

I had also anticipated that there would be some emotions that I'd need to work through over adding a new person to our cozy little unit of 3. I had no idea just how intense and challenging that was going to be for me. I'm finally now, 5 weeks later, starting to find some peace and even a little balance about it all.


I was not at all prepared for the intensity of my reaction to feeling like I was somehow betraying Kaleb by adding a new person to our family. It was *really* hard for me. With having a c-section, I wasn't able to pick Kaleb up or carry him or have him sit on my lap or play with me for that first week. I was pretty much out of commission, short of breast feeding Jacob, for that first week so Kyle was doing everything. This was great for Kyle and Kaleb to really bond and spend some good time together during that first week where Kyle was off work. But I struggled with the fact that I couldn't help, couldn't do Kaleb's bed time, and all the other things that used to be "Mommy things".

Even now, healed completely and back to full capacity, there are times I have to take care of Jacob when Kaleb needs me, and times I need to take care of Kaleb when Jacob needs me. I've been told "this is good for Kaleb, it teaches him patience" and "this is good for Jacob, he doesn't know any better anyway and this will make him a more laid back kid". Okay, I can agree with both of those things, but I still end most days feeling like I've let each of my boys down . I suppose the crux of the issue for me is that I feel like there just isn't enough of me right now, with both boys being at such demanding ages. I have no issue with having plenty of love for both boys, but the reality is there is only so much time and I can't be in more than one place at the same time.This is my struggle with the transition to being a mother of 2, feeling like I just can't possibly give enough of "me" to both of them.

For Kaleb, his transition has been bumpy as well, but like I said, we completely expected that to happen. He has started waking up throughout the night, calling out for me. He had a week of really tough day care drop offs last week. Bedtime became a major battle. We have also started having issues with him throwing toys, both at home and at day care.  He has really started to push his boundaries, and I've had to institute some time outs here at home a few times.

We seem to be making some head way on the day care drop offs and the bed times. I wake up early now with Kaleb to give him plenty of transition time in the mornings, we have Cheerios together, then get dressed, then watch a cartoon and he eats a breakfast cookie. I'm also working to firm up the bed time routine again. Understandably, and to be expected, the first few weeks of Jacob being here, the bed time routine (and every other routine) got pretty lax. Now I try to have Kyle feed Jacob a bottle while I put Kaleb to bed (a great example of not enough "me", Jacob wants to eat at the same time Kaleb needs to go to bed). And I'm firm with Kaleb about "3 stories, 3 songs, 3 kisses and good night". He is still waking up some nights, but we are making progress.

And, lest anyone wonder "why can't Kyle do that stuff?", he can and he does! I am the first to admit that all of this pressure I'm feeling is coming solely from me...and a demanding "I only want my Mommy" set of brothers...but Kyle is right there in the trenches with me, rocking newborns, reading stories to toddlers, responding to middle of the night wake ups, and listening to Mommy melt-down moments in which I'm crying and saying that I just can't do this. In fact, if I didn't have Kyle by my side in this I would have thrown in the towel weeks ago!

I knew things would change, I knew there would be adjustments. I was prepared for Kaleb's but was very surprised by the intensity of my own emotions surrounding all of this. Now that Jacob is here, I need to redefine what it means to me to be Mom to both of these boys. What I expected of myself as Mom to Kaleb just isn't sustainable now that there are two little boys who need me. It is time to evolve into my new role, which is exactly the kind of challenge that I love most :)

Three weeks and thriving!

Three weeks today! At his two week checkup, Jacob tipped the scales at 9 lbs 10 oz, was 22.5 inches long, and received a "gold star for growth" :) I can't remember if I posted his birth weight, but he was 9 lbs 4 oz at birth, 22 inches long, and then 8 lbs 11 oz when we left the hospital. For a breastfed baby it is ideal for them to come close to regaining their birth weight by the two week checkup. Jacob knocked it out of the park! So, we know that breast feeding is going really well, he is such a champ at eating...yes, I'm proud :)

Since Jacob is three weeks and since breast feeding is clearly going so well (as evidenced by his stellar weight gain), we are going to introduce a bottle tonight. I've been pumping milk once each day for the past two weeks and currently have over 75 oz of breast milk stored in the freezer! Most of the experts say three weeks is the sweet spot for introducing a bottle. Jacob is clearly well established in his breast feeding habits, so there is not much concern that he'll get a bottle and decide to abandon the breast. He is also still "new" enough that he shouldn't balk at the bottle, which is a risk faced if you wait too long to give them that first bottle. I do plan to breast feed 'as exclusively as possible' (not a fan of extreme statements like 'exclusively') for the first year, so when he takes a bottle it will be pumped breast milk he is drinking. But, this way I will be able to do crazy things like be away from him for more than 2 hours, or drink wine and still feed him. Tonight I'm celebrating the three week mark with a bottle of my own as well, some delightful Cabernet :)

At the three week mark, here is what I've observed about my second born:

*He is VOCAL!! Every movement has an accompanying grunt or snort or squeak or other sound effect. He purrs and growls and hums when he eats. If you pick him up while he is trying to sleep he will make some sort of sound of protest. And, at the very first tiny little bit of discomfort he will howl like he hasn't eaten in days. It is endearing during the waking hours of the day, and when I'm not trying to get anything else done. It is, I'll admit, quite irritating in the wee hours of the morning. It is hard to have him sleep next to me at night because he just makes noise all night long, sleeping or awake, he is sounding off about something. I am excited to see if, and how, this tendency manifests as he grows!

*He is ADORABLE! I was worried, I'll admit, that Jacob could never possibly be as cute as Kaleb was. Fortunately, my worry was in vain. He has his very own brand of cute, different from Kaleb's version but just as intense. Jacob is adorable in an expressive, animated, engaging kind of way. Not only is he vocal, he is expressive. Everything is a production for him, from growling and doing the "woodpecker head" when he is hungry and looking for food, to straining and grimacing in his sleep as he tries to shift to a more comfy position. The world is a stage when it comes to my sweet baby boy. Again, I look forward to watching how this plays out over the coming years :)

As the days go by I am feeling good about our decision to have Kaleb continue attending day care during my leave. When we are all home at night there just isn't the time to focus completely on memorizing each and every one of Jacob's facial expressions. And I want to be able to do that with him just like I did when Kaleb was a newborn. I'm happy to have this gift of exclusive bonding time with Jacob. As the weeks go on, I intend to keep Kaleb home for more days, and to pick him up early on some days. But for these first few weeks, I love the special time that I get to spend bonding with my newborn.

I have so much to share about how I'm adjusting to having two kids, but the time to post hasn't presented itself and tonight I wanted to capture all this stuff about just Jacob.

Happy three weeks to Jacob and to our family of four...I don't know if I'll ever get sick of how cool that sounds!

My Birth Story with Jacob

Yesterday was Jacob's actual due date, he is 12 days old today :) I have already posted about our decision to have a repeat c-section, and that was scheduled for last Monday, April 9. Jacob decided to join us on Thursday, April 5 instead. Here's the story of how he made his big entrance:

On Wednesday (4/4) I woke up feeling off, got in the shower and had to stop the shower early because I was feeling nauseous. I planned to rest on the couch, and then go into work a little late, thinking it was just being tired from pregnancy. Then Kaleb woke up and was clearly sick. So, my plan changed to just working from home with Kaleb. We got through the day but it was rough, all I wanted to do was rest.

As far as the pregnancy was going, I'd been having Braxton Hicks contractions for weeks, and I was experiencing a lot of aches in my lower abdomen, just tired and tender and really done with carrying Jacob around!

I went to bed Wednesday night and then at 2:00 AM I woke up in the middle of a contraction. I turned over and figured it was just a particularly strong Braxton Hicks, but about 10 minutes later I got hit by another one. I stayed in bed until 2:30 and then got up. The contractions got closer together rather quickly. By 3 I was pretty sure these were real contractions so I downloaded an app on my phone to track them and by 4 had determined a pattern of about a minute long and averaging 6 minutes apart.

At this point I was pretty well convinced I was in labor, so I took a shower, folded some laundry, and paced around the house. The contractions weren't slowing down at all, instead they were getting more intense and closer together. At 5 I decided I should probably wake Kyle up, so he wouldn't feel rushed if we decided to go in to the hospital. I woke him up, told him I'd been awake since 2 with contractions and that they were getting closer together and more intense. I called my doctor's office and left a message for the on call OB that I was contracting about 5 minutes apart at this point. She called back pretty quickly and confirmed that we should be heading to the hospital.

We called the Remsburgs at 6, I packed a bag for Kaleb, and Kyle took Kaleb over there at 6:30 then came back to get me and we went up to St. Mary's. They put me in a triage room and hooked me up to all the monitors. The first step was to give me a bunch of fluids, since dehydration can sometimes bring on false labor pain. The nurse checked me and I had dilated to 1 cm before we arrived. After two hours, two bags of fluids through the IV, and many more contractions, the nurse checked me again and I was dilated to 3. This was as of 9:30 AM and they made the decision at this point to keep me there and put me in the line up for a c-section that day. WOW! We weren't expecting this and it was really really exciting!

During those couple hours of taking in fluids and not knowing if they were going to keep us or send us home it was tough. I would have felt really embarrassed if it wasn't real labor and was just dehydration and we got sent home. I really wanted to stay..but I was also really hungry! I had eaten a light dinner the night before because I wasn't feeling well. When I woke up suspecting I was in labor, I didn't eat anything because I'd been told I had to fast for 8 hours before the c-section. So, our joke during those hours of waiting was that I would either get a baby or get breakfast and at that point, I wasn't sure which sounded better! However, I was quite relieved and very excited, and forgot all about breakfast, when the nurse confirmed that we got to have our baby that day!

Then we had to wait. and wait. and wait some more. That same day there was already one scheduled c-section and I was then 1 of 3 more women who had shown up that morning in labor and with c-sections scheduled for later in the week. It was a busy day for the hospital staff that day! There was a full moon the night before, and we talked with the nurse about how full moons did tend to result in busier hospitals. A nurse brought Kyle his scrubs at 10:00 and said the OB was starting another c-section right then and that I was next. And then we waited some more.

The contractions got worse and worse, and by about noon I was starting to lose patience and was really just wanting to get this show on the road. As it turns out, the OB was ready to go but the anesthesiologist had been called to another part of the hospital to handle something else, so we were waiting on him to come back before it was my turn. Finally, at 2:00 they came to get us and I walked to the operating room, got my spinal block, got prepped for the surgery, and then they let Kyle come into the room. The spinal block worked beautifully, I couldn't feel anything at all. (a significant improvement over my first c-section, where I could feel everything since the epidural wasn't working on my right side) Kyle did an excellent job keeping me distracted and holding my hand and just being that rock solid presence he always is.

At 2:36 PM on April 5 I got to hear Jacob cry for the very first time, and wow what a cry it was! I said many times during my pregnancy that I had a feeling Jacob was going to be much more demanding than Kaleb was as a baby, that he wouldn't hesitate to make his needs known and to share his displeasure at anything he didn't like...that cry was my first confirmation. So persistent! And for the first couple days he had this squeak sound he would make while crying, it was quite cute :)

After the docs had me all put back together, I was wheeled into the recovery room and they gave me Jacob to try and nurse. He latched on like a little champ and fed like he was a 3 month old, not a newborn. It was such a great moment!

One thing I struggled with in deciding to have a repeat c-section was that I wouldn't have that "honey, it's time" moment of going into labor on my own. I didn't really get that with Kaleb either, since we had the induction scheduled and I didn't start having contractions until a couple hours before that appointment. Jacob came 4 days before the scheduled c-section, and so I got to have that experience of contractions in the middle of the night, and then waking my husband up to tell him our baby was coming. I am really thankful to have had that experience in my life, one of those moments you dream about and that has now come true for me. And, I managed to "get to" labor for 12 hours even with the scheduled c-section, thanks Jacob! ;)

And now we are a family of four, and I'll post more in the coming days on how that transition has been going :)

One more week!!!

In one week from now I am going to be holding my newborn son (see previous post). That has been playing through my head all day today, I just can't believe it is so close!

I've got some warring emotions going on around the idea of bringing this baby home and forever altering the perfect little world we have with Mommy, Daddy, and Kaleb. I find myself getting sad thinking about how this is the last week where it will be just the three of us together. How, very very soon, Kaleb is going to have to share his Mommy and Daddy. I'm not sitting here wringing my hands over it or anything, but just surfing some pretty crazy emotional and hormonal surges here. I keep telling myself that he is getting a new brother, that this beautiful world we have created as a family of three is just going to get bigger, better, and more amazing with the addition of another member. But I for sure am having weepy moments over all these "lasts" that will be happening this week. I think it is okay to be somewhat sad to have this stage of our family's life coming to an end. Just as much as it is okay to be really excited and happy for the next chapter to begin.

On the exciting front, the nursery is done! It is baby jungle theme and I absolutely love it. I got my green for the walls like I have wanted for so long, and it looks really good with the decor I picked out. All of Jacob's clothes (new things from the girls at work and Kaleb's hand-me-downs) are washed, folded, and organized into his dresser/changing table. I had saved the newborn and size 1 diapers that Kaleb grew out of before he could wear them, they are all set up in the diaper caddy thing that came with the room accessories. It feels great to have that room all set up and situated and to the "Just Add Baby" stage :)

Kaleb also had his room completely redone this weekend. He has a twin size bed now, it looks so big in there! And he looks so small! A friend asked if I was having a hard time with Kaleb not having a baby room anymore, with all the big boy stuff he has, and I think it would be a lot tougher if we weren't also creating a new nursery at the same time. There is nothing 'baby' about his room now, he has his big boy bed and new furniture, including a night stand with a lamp he can turn on and off himself. We also got a toy and book storage shelf thing so all his toys are rounded up and in his room now, super nice for our living room! We decorated his room with a transportation theme, including Thomas. He has Thomas the Tank sheets and I bought a wall decal kit so all his favorite engines are on the wall by his bed. The rest of the room has trucks, planes, construction equipment, and all other things that go. I am hoping to make him a little reading nook in there next to his book shelf, and still also have an entire blank wall to decorate. Currently I'm thinking a big map on the wall, colorful and educational and fun :)

It is so crazy that this is the last week of being a family of three. I can't wait for the next phase of our family to get kicked off. At the same time, I am soaking up every single moment of this week, and embracing my sentimental emotions over it being the end of an era.