Heart Smile

One of the best sounds in my entire world is the way my son says "Momma" when he is in my arms, just as he is falling asleep. His sleepy little voice, so trusting and so adorably sweet, more of a sigh than a statement. It makes my heart smile and I can't wait for bedtime tonight so I can hopefully hear it again!!

An Average Day or Screw the Chore

On an average day, I wake up at 5:30 to start the coffee, get myself ready, lunch packed, dogs tended, and Kaleb's day care bag loaded up before he wakes up and demands my full attention. We are out the door by 7:00 on a good day, 7:20 on an average day. I take him to day care, usually having to pull over to retrieve a sippy cup/pacifier/breakfast/lovey that has been thrown by a tantrum-prone toddler who hates the car seat right now. On arrival at day care, I fill the teacher in on how he slept and if/what he ate for breakfast. Then I'm out the door and racing to make it to my desk at work by 8:00.

I spend the day at work in training, meetings, projects, emails, chatter with co-workers, etc. The standard office setting and environment. At 5:00 I'm back on the road to pick Kaleb up, hear the report from his teacher on his day, and wrestle him back into his car seat for the drive home. He will either (usually) fuss and cry because he is tired and doesn't want to have to sit in the seat, or (occasionally) he will fall asleep.

Once home I haul Kaleb, all his gear, and all my gear into the house, trying to find a place to set everything down on the table that, no matter how hard I try, is ALWAYS cluttered. Kaleb wants to eat dinner immediately, I usually get him set up with something in his high chair and then rush to change out of my work clothes while still trying to keep on eye on him so he doesn't stand up and fall out of his high chair..he knows how to get out of the safety belt thingy. The dogs are whining to be let out, but if I let them out Kaleb will feed all his dinner to them. If I let them out and then make them go outside, they will stand at the door and whine/bark which makes me feel guilty, like I might be ruining the neighbors' evenings.

I try each night to focus my attention on my son, and on the nights I fail at this it is very clear in his behavior. He wants Momma all to himself and "Just let me finish cutting up these veggies for our dinner later" makes zero sense to a 16 month old.

Kyle is usually home by 6:15, which helps divert some of Kaleb's attention. We have play time and/or family walk if the weather is nice. We start bath at 7:30, usually governed by Dada so that I can clean the kitchen, fold laundry, vacuum, wash sippy cups, prep dinner, or whatever other standard-issue household chores need to be done. Bed time is 8:00, I dry Kaleb from bath, brush his teeth (which he *hates* and fights with all his strength), put on PJ's, read anywhere from 3-6 books, many of them more than once, and then it is into bed with Kaleb and out the door for me.

I confess that most of the time between after work and bed time, I am thinking about bed time and how much stuff needs to be done before my day is done and I can rest. I hate this reality so very much. Because, as soon as Kaleb is in his bed and I'm out that door I start to miss him. I have a hard time transitioning from Work to Home each night. I know I need to be in the moment with Kaleb, I know I need to forget the million things that need to be done and just focus on playing with him, and I'm able to do this at about 70% right now. But that's not enough. It's crazy to me how much I miss him once he is asleep. Each night I vow I'm going to do better tomorrow. Then tomorrow hits, at 5:30 AM, and I end up back in the same pattern.

This started a post to capture my thoughts on the two opposite sides of motherhood for me. How I spend a lot of time checking the clock to see if it is bed time yet and to see if I can maybe squeeze in one more chore without Kaleb noticing I'm not paying attention to him. And then, how much I miss my baby as soon as I get him to sleep for the night and how much I wish I had said "screw the chore, let's build that tower". I need to let that "screw the chore" side of me win more than the 70% I've been working with. An average day as the mother of my son is filled with such potential for magic, I need to remember that!

Does "Magically Balance It All" count as a 5-year plan?

My boss wants me to complete something called an Individual Development Plan, everyone at my work has to do this. The point of it is to lay out my career goals for the next 3-5 years, to state where I want to be and then come up with a list of steps I'll take to get there. When she asked me "So, where do you want to be in 5 years?" I said something like "Well, I think it would help if I had any idea of what my current role is...haha" or something like that (I've been operating with no job description for a little under a year now, kind of a floater filling in on all kinds of projects, cool but draining when it comes to exercises like this one). But, I digress. The issue, the reason this is post worthy, is that I am at the point where I might just need to make some decisions. And, the scary part, I may need to actually start voicing my desires.

For almost 2 years now, since I found out I was pregnant, I have been wrestling internally with the answer to this question. Before my pregnancy I was on the fast track. At the risk of sounding like an ass, I'm really good at what I do, I have the talent, skills, and initiative to go far in my field. I knew I would eventually start a family and that, at that distant time in the future, I would need to scale back career. With Kaleb being a surprise, I was left needing to re-figure my plan, and that is proving to be challenging.

I don't see myself keeping a heavy focus on career, I need to slow it down because I want my focus to be on my child, and future children. I already know this to be true, but I don't know how to make that happen. Because, you see, I'm not okay with completely leaving my career behind and becoming a full time SAHM, at least I'm not to that point yet, things could change, but for now I still see myself as being somehow involved in my field while at the same time raising my family. I also don't want to be "Career Mom" who works 8-5 every day and has to miss out on soccer games and Parent Day at school. I need to find a way to balance my career and my family.

And, while I am fully aware that I'm not the first woman to face this dilemma, it IS a new one to me and I am struggling with deciding on a plan.

Aaaaand, Mr. Amazing Husband has just plated our dinner for tonight, so its time to manage the third role in my life, Wife :) More on this topic to come, for sure!

Read it again, Mommy!

Reading is my favorite hobby. I am always reading a book, and I do mean always. When I finish one book I am digging into the next one immediately, to the point where I used to carry my back-up/next book with me once I got down to 50 pages or less of a current book. I would be delighted if my love of reading were to translate to Kaleb, and I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t trying to influence this since before he was born. I used to read my own books aloud when I was pregnant. Once Kaleb was born, I continued reading my own books to him while we cuddled and quickly got to work on building his board book collection. At this point we easily have over 100 books for him, I can’t help but order more every time day care sends home one of those Scholastic book order forms. People who know me have given me the board books that their children have grown out of, and books are always included in gifts that Kaleb receives from both his grandmas, who are also avid readers.

I share all this in an attempt to convey how thrilled I am that Kaleb has chosen a favorite bedtime story, one he asks for again and again! He loves to pick out books and come crawl into my lap for a quick quiet time snuggle. For months I would read to him the same books, in the same order, as part of our bedtime routine. I then started mixing in some new stories to our line-up. Recently he started pointing at the one book we read every day from when we started a bedtime routine, at 4 months old, titled I Love You More Than Rainbows. He wants this story, and only this story, at least 3 times every night before bed. I’m so happy, this is one of those dreams I dared to have for my future kids, that they would have a favorite bedtime story. And now I am seeing that dream come true, what a blessing!

Actions Speak Louder Than Words, right?

Yesterday was a big day for Kaleb. One event that I have conflicting feelings over, and one event that I’m very proud of.

I get a daily report sheet from his day care, detailing things like what and when he ate, when and how long his nap was, diaper change info, and some notes in the comments section about fun things he did that day. Usually the comments are benign little things, like “Kaleb colored a picture of a fire truck today!” or “Kaleb had fun singing songs with his friends today!” and other cute stuff. Here is what yesterday’s comment section said:

Today @ snack a friend spilled his water and Kaleb said “s**t”

How do you react to that?? The deviant side of me thought “haha! Kaleb’s first swear word!” and then the growing-stronger-every-day Responsible Mom side of me thought “oh my goodness! what a horrible influence Kyle and I have been on this poor innocent little boy!” Since that first reaction of both extremes, I have settled somewhere in the middle. I’m not exactly proud that my kid swore at day care at the tender young age of 15 months, and I don’t particularly care for the testament to my parenting that this little incident represents. However, as they say, shit happens (sorry, couldn’t help myself!) and there is nothing to do now but re-commit to the eradication of all curse words from my and Kyle’s vocabulary at home.

Now, for the news I AM very proud of. We have those cardboard blocks that look like bricks, a favorite of kids everywhere! Kaleb has graduated from chewing on them to actually playing with them. Last night we were having play time in the living room and Kyle asked Kaleb if he could build a tower. That amazing little dude started building a block tower and wound up with one that was taller than he is, standing up! All by himself! I remember as a little girl being extremely impressed with the “taller than me” tower of blocks. To see Kaleb build his own, with no help from anyone, at only 15 months old, that was a very proud moment for this mama!

So, I'm going to invoke the "Actions speak louder than words" doctrine while I reflect on yesterday's events. I'll be very proud of his actions (building a big tower all by himself) and allow that to speak louder than his words, at least in my memory.

Wonderfully and Uniquely "Normal"

As the mother of a toddler, the two words I crave more than any others these days are “That’s normal”. Talking to Kaleb’s day care teacher this morning, I was telling her about how all he has wanted to eat for the past couple days now is the Aunt Millie’s Swirl Bread (either Cinnamon Raisin or Apple Cranberry), and how he’ll eat 2-3 slices at a time. She smiled and said “Oh, that’s totally normal!” and I just felt a million times better.
I know I read in all my parenting books and websites that toddlers go through these phases where they will only eat one thing. But you can’t really prepare yourself for the day it happens with your kid. And, even though I’d read about this being a possibility, I got to worrying that maybe a bread-obsession wasn’t normal, like it would only be “normal” if it was cheerios or goldfish crackers or something. Honestly, what kid only wants whole wheat bread with raisins in it?? The relief I felt when she told me that my kid’s most recent behavior was “normal” got me thinking about how much I crave hearing that. How, every time I share stories with other parents of toddlers I’m really hoping to hear them say how their kid did something like that as well. Every time I go on a google search about dealing with tantrums or getting my son to let me brush his teeth, the thing I find the most valuable and reassuring is not the word of the professionals, but the comments from other mom’s who have been, or currently are, dealing with the same thing. Because, as much as I know my little boy is special and unique, ultimately I just want to know that he is “normal”…at least in the toddler sense of that word :)

Ear Infections and the Life Lessons They Hold for Me

Kaleb is 14 months old now. He is recovering from his first ear infection, and it completely turned our household upside down last week! I got a call on Monday to go pick him up from day care because he was running a fever. I was able to take Tuesday off work and stay home with him. He spent the entire day napping, whining, sleeping on my chest, and then there was about an hour and a half where he was completely inconsolable. I was happy to be able to be there for him when he just needed his mommy to cuddle with, but I felt horrible and worthless when I could not figure out what was making him hurt so badly. The fever seemed to be gone Wednesday, but he went to Grandma and Grandpa Remsburg's for the day, and then again on Thursday just to be safe. Back to day care Friday, but they called again that he had another fever that morning and he had to go home. This time he was with Kyle, as I am in the middle of teaching a week long class and had to be at the office. I had been chalking the on again, off again low-grade fever up to teething, since I can see the angry red bumps on his gums where his eye teeth are trying to push through. Sitting in class on Friday afternoon I was cycling through the week and it just seemed like I should call Kaleb's nurse. With the weekend coming up I wanted to check in with a medical professional about the fact that he had been running this fever and it didn't seem to be going away. Nurse Lisa said we should get him to after hours care, just to be on the safe side. So, I called Kyle and met him and Kaleb at the after hours care near our house. After waiting for over 2 hours to be seen, we were informed by the doctor that one of Kaleb's ears was infected and the other was showing signs of a brewing infection (my term, I don't remember the term the doctor used). We were prescribed amoxicillin (sp?), which Kyle went to fill while I took Kaleb home to start bedtime routine. After 2 doses of the meds he seemed to have bounced back, and now he is fever free and has finally been sleeping through the night again.

So, after that long back story, I wanted to post this because I had some realizations through all of this. Not anything I haven't thought of before, but this experience really drove a few things home for me this week.

1. I have zero idea how people raise children with only one parent, I seriously and honestly do not have a clue. I don't mean to sound glib or insensitive, I have the utmost respect for people who are able to pull off the single parenting thing. Because, if it wasn't for Kyle and his involvement in raising our son, I truly don't see how I would have been able to pull off last week. I *had* to be at work for 3 of the days Kaleb was unable to go to day care last week, there was no alternative. And I *had* to be at the office early and stay late, so I would have needed him to run Kaleb to and from day care or any other care option, whether Kaleb was sick or not. What would I have done? Seriously, what would I have done? I don’t have an answer to that question. I suppose I would need to not keep my career as I have it now, I wouldn’t be able to be in a position where other people counted on me, or where I was the one with a unique skill or contribution. I’m so thankful for the fact that we have both of us (Kyle and I) along with devoted grandparents, so that somehow all of us are able to rely on each other and make everything work.

2. I’m amazed at how I’ve learned how to be a mother over the past year. I feel safe putting this here, as no one is likely to ever read it, and to say “I’m proud of myself” out loud or in any public forum seems annoying or something. Anyway. Yes, I am proud of myself. Proud of myself for juggling a career and motherhood, and somehow finding a way to keep it all together. Proud of myself for being there for my son when he was feeling sick and needed his mommy. Proud of myself for being the mommy that my son wanted, if that makes sense. It makes me proud to be the one that another person turns to, the one that someone wants above any other person, and last week I was that person to my sick baby. I’m proud of myself for listening to my instinct and taking him to the doctor. I’m proud of myself for having that instinct in the first place. I’m proud of the way I’m somehow able to put on a calm and collected face, and be the strong one because that’s what Kaleb needed me to be, even though inside I was freaking out and tired and stressed (see observation #3). I suppose this can all be summed up by the obnoxiously self-congratulatory statement: “I’m really good at being Kaleb’s mom.” I may not be the ideal mom for someone else, but apparently for my son I am exactly what he wants and needs, and that seriously makes me proud.

3. Motherhood is scary as hell. Yes, it is fulfilling and rewarding and there is a lot of laughter. But, and maybe this is just me, underneath all the happiness there is a constant fear. It manifests in multiple ways, the fear of him getting too close to the edge of the couch and falling off and hurting himself, the fear of him pulling a cup of hot coffee down on himself, and other normal fears. Then there is the really dark stuff, that perhaps is unique to my own overactive imagination. Such as, the fear that this fever is the one I talk about years from now as “the first sign” that something was horribly and terribly wrong with my baby. The fear that this tantrum is the first clear sign of a developmental delay. The fear that the reason he didn’t wake me up at 6:00 AM this one Saturday morning is because he stopped breathing in his sleep (this one, I’ve read, is rather common, but that doesn’t make it any less scary). During my pregnancy I was so focused on just getting safely to delivery, but now that my baby is here and walking around and growing up, there is this whole new host of horrors in my mind. Just because he was born safely is no guarantee that I’ll get to watch him get on the school bus for the first time, or get to watch as he and Kyle build a volcano for his first science fair, or watch him graduate high school. There are so many things that could take him from me, so many things out there that I have zero ability to control or fix or ward off. And, when I hold my sick feverish baby, or even when I just rock him to sleep on any normal night, it is these dark thoughts that sometimes rise in my imagination. I know all mothers worry at some level about their children, but I often wonder if any one else out there has such morbid fears of losing their baby. For me, it translates into a fierce determination to enjoy every moment, every. single. thing. about being with Kaleb, day in and day out.

I realize that each paragraph in this post would have been fine as an individual, stand-alone update. I suppose I treat this blog as more a personal journal for myself than as most people would think of a “normal” blog. But, hey, I’ve never once claimed to be normal!

Baby Steps

So many mothers watch and wish for their babies to start crawling, then pulling up on furniture, then cruising and eventually walking all on their own. I am not one of these mothers. While I celebrate each developmental marker with all the excitement and happiness of a proud mama, I can't help but feel a little sad as we pass each milestone. Already my sweet little baby is crawling all around on his own, he doesn't need me to transport him everywhere like he used to. As he was nursing today I looked at one of his bare feet and was astonished that it is larger than my palm now! Where is the teeny tine little baby food I wrapped my hand around just a few months ago?! Then my mind wandered to thoughts of those precious little baby feet someday carrying him out into the world, without me there to watch and protect him. There will come a day when he is old enough to to deserve and desire his independance from me, and although I know it is many many years down the road, I can't help but start to dread it already. I wonder if all mothers go through this? It seems like with each incremental baby step he takes as he grows up I also take a baby step, in the direction of facing the reality that someday I'm going to have to watch him walk out into the great big world all on his own. Another of the beautiful things about being a mother, growing and developing right along side my amazing little dude :)

**As I wrote this post I had Kaleb playing on the kitchen floor under my supervision. Somehow he managed to find a leaf that the dog had tracked in. I turned and saw something dark on his chin, and as I went to him he started gagging, I figured out it was a leaf, and just as I was wiping it off his face and picking him up to clean him off, he puked from gagging. Hmmmmm, perhaps having him go out into that world won't be the saddest thing after all ;) I swear, you can't make this stuff up!

Spatula Sentiments

At this time last year I was counting down the hours to the ultrasound that would tell me if my baby was a boy or a girl. I'd been having vivid dreams starring a "little boy with sunshine in his hair" at all ages of childhood and was so very worried that I'd find out we were having a girl and I'd carry all this guilt over dreaming about a boy. Turns out my dreams were right on!
While obsessing over this I was also choosing floor tile for the kitchen upgrade Kyle and I were planning. I remember putting every tile sample through the "Spatula Test". This test consisted of imagining the way the tile would look with my sweet baby playing happily with a spatula and some bowls on the new kitchen floor. I don't know why, but it was an image I cherished throughout my pregnancy, and come to think of it, for many years before the pregnancy as well! I loved the vision of sitting in a sunny kitchen while my future baby happily played and babbled away on the tiled floor. The final decision for the tile came down to the one I thought a baby would find the most interesting, a pretty blue and white tile with lots of different shades of blue flecks in the pattern once you get close up.
This morning, that vision became a reality. As I was packing Kaleb's bottles and food for the day I remembered my Spatula Test and smiled. I reached into the utensil drawer and pulled out the wooden handled purple silicone tipped Williams Sonoma spatula we received as a wedding gift. I went into the cupboard and pulled out two of my colored tupperware bowls, a yellow and a green. I then strategically placed the items around the kitchen to be "discovered" and went and got Kaleb from his pack and play and set him right down in the middle of the kitchen floor. It didn't take long for him to find the new toys I'd stashed for him, and soon he was happily banging that spatula on the floor and knocking the tupperware all around. It was a moment I never ever want to forget, the baby I had dreamed about for years finally there in real life, contentedly playing with a spatula on my beautiful kitchen floor.
This morning, it was so very rewarding to be a mother!

Morning Madness!

This morning it was tough to be a working mom. Kaleb has been doing some serious teething the past few days, he was up at 4:30 this morning wanting to nurse, which meant I was up as well. With him not having slept or napped well the past few days, he was extra clingy and crabby this morning. So, from 4:45 to 7:00 I was trying to juggle the need to soothe and comfort my crying son with the need to get us both ready, packed, and out the door on time. I’m committed to not venting out my stress and frustration in front of Kaleb, so I had the added struggle of reigning that back in and being calm and attentive while watching the minutes slipping away on the clock, putting me closer and closer to being late for work. While I truly love the work I do in my career, I admit that I experienced anger over feeling as if I had to ignore my baby when he needed me so that I could arrive at the office on time. This combined with the stress of hearing Kaleb crying and fussing basically non-stop for over two hours made for a tough start to my day!

Precious Memories

We have almost hit the 6 month mark already, and, as cliche as it sounds, I truly can't believe how this time has flown! I remember reading ahead in my What To Expect the First Year book, and thinking the days of starting solids and sitting up on his own were soooo far off...and yet here we are.
As I'm sure is true of almost all mothers, I wish I would have been more diligent in recording all the precious moments that have happened along the way. I console myself with the idea that I was so busy experiencing and being involved in making the memories, that to have taken time to record them would have somehow lessened the beauty of each moment. That said, I really do want to do a better job of capturing this amazing time.
For today, just a couple of the many beautiful things that I will cherish forever.
-The Houdini Foot: Kaleb has, since the day he was born, had a knack for getting one or both of his feet out of any swaddle, blanket, or wrap we try to put him in. I have pictures from in the hospital of that little foot hanging out of his swaddling blankets. Just yesterday I had him in the Moby wrap for his morning nap, and, as I walked by a mirror, I noticed a precious little foot hanging out the side. That required him to have wriggled his foot through 3 layers of fabric, each layer criss-crossed across the next. I look forward to the days of checking on him in his sleep and seeing that foot hanging out from under the covers.
-The Nap Time Tunes: I have always hummed or sang to Kaleb, since before he was even born. This has become my most reliable way to calm him and/or help him fall asleep. In the past few weeks I've noticed that he now "hums along" with me. It is the most adorably heart warming thing! It has even progressed to the point where his babbling will change in pace and I can recognize it as him starting to get tired. When I'm rocking him in the Moby and humming to him he will do the same until he falls asleep.
There are so many more precious moments and memories. I hope to be better about recording them here, but if not, trust that it is because I am too busy enjoying them to the fullest!

Kaleb was finally born on Monday, 12/21/2009, at 9:14PM via C-section. He was 8 pounds, 5 ounces and 21 inches long. Labor was 30 hours long, and while there is a great story to be told there, I don't want to waste time on telling that one right now, perhaps another post.
My little man is almost 6 weeks old already and he has stolen my heart in so many ways, I could never have imagined just how intense my love for him would be. Currently he is sound asleep on my chest with a nice full tummy, blissfully unaware of anything and everything going on around him, trusting that he is completely safe as long as Mommy has him. I'm typing at an extremely awkward angle since he is kind of in the way of being able to hold my computer in my lap, so I'm making due, such is the story of my life now :)
Being someone's Mommy is so amazing, so hard, so beautiful, so frustrating, so rewarding, so exhausting, it is just so...everything. There are times when I'll look at him and feel the most intense surge of love and protective feelings towards him, a feeling so deep that it honestly clears everything else from my mind, at times stops my breath, and brings tears to my eyes. There are times (usually times between midnight and 6 am) when he starts crying to be fed and I feel like I can't keep this up, like I'm just too tired and I want to just roll over and sleep more, ignore or put off taking care of this task like I used to be able to do with other responsibilities in my life, but I know I can't do that. He needs me, depends on me, and that feeling of being completely responsible for him, of knowing that he absolutely needs me to do and be everything for him right now...it is hard to put into words what that feels like. It is an odd blend of overwhelming exhaustion at the knowledge of how all-encompassing and never-ending this Mom thing is, while simultaneously feeling energized those same realities.
I absolutely love the way that Kaleb already knows that I'm his Mommy. How he can be crying/upset and once I pick him up and sing or talk to him he calms down. The way he responds to me, my voice and my presence, in a way that he doesn't do for anyone else. I'm thinking this is what people mean when they talk about 'bonding', the strong connection that he and I share. I love watching him develop his trust in me to always be there and know what to do to make things better, whether it is singing to him over and over one of the silly songs I've written for him until my throat is aching, or bouncing him in my arms until my muscles are burning, or walking laps around the house, feeding him, changing him, playing with him or giving him a quiet and safe place to rest. Kaleb is learning that Mommy is here and that she loves him and will always take care of him, and that translates into my being able to calm or soothe him more quickly than anyone else, which is something I feel an enormous sense of pride and accomplishment over! I've always enjoyed learning new things, and learning the ins and outs of being Kaleb's mommy, the specifics and details of exactly what he needs from me, this has been the hands down favorite learning experience of my life!

The Waiting Game

So, today is one day past my due date and no baby to report yet. Not even any labor so far. Most women seem to be miserable and begging for the pregnancy to end at this point, me, not so much. I started my maternity leave from work as of 12/1, last week Tuesday. Not being at work has made things waaaaay better as far as I'm concerned. I've kept myself busy with doctor appointments, grocery shopping to stock the house up for once Kaleb is here (yes, we named him Kaleb Eugene :), I don't think I've put that in here yet), doing last minute stuff in the nursery, babysitting Analyn a couple times to Laura could get stuff done, snuggling with Loki, reading to my heart's content, and enjoying time spent with just Kyle and I during these last few days of peace and quiet before our world is turned upside down with caring for and falling in love with a newborn.
The last few weeks of work got to be pretty rough, not physically, but mentally and emotionally. Obviously I was a tad distracted with thoughts of Kaleb so it made it hard to focus on anything. But the worst part was the, albeit well-meaning, constant comments from everyone I work with. Being in an office with hundreds of people meant I interacted with lots of people all day every day. And everyone felt the need to share their thoughts whenever they would see me. Thoughts like "Holy cow! You're as big as a house!" or "You haven't had that baby yet?!?!" (when I still had a month or more to go) or "Geez, you're HUGE! You'll never make it to your due date" or the incredulous "You're still here?!!" And many other variations on the above. I know people all meant well, and no one was trying to be offensive or mean at all, people just want to comment and talk about a pregnancy because its exciting. But I think people would do well to stop and consider how what they are saying is being received, something that should apply every time we open our mouths to speak, ya know? To a person who is 9 months pregnant, being told she is as big as a house just isn't all that encouraging, even if it is totally true! Towards the end it was getting harder and harder to smile and laugh with people, I would honestly get at least 10+ comments like the above a day. It got to the point where I didn't want to leave my desk because I didn't have the patience to "run the gauntlet" as I started calling it. haha! It did become a great learning experience for myself and the people I work closely with. We are now very aware of what we say to pregnant women with whom we are acquaintances (sp?), and that it should always only be encouraging and kind!
Last week I was scheduled for my regular check-up and got a call that we had to reschedule me because Dr. Harro (my family doctor since I was 5) was out of the office. When I did finally make it in to see him I learned that he had a slipped disc/pinched nerve in his shoulder or back and was going to need surgery! The surgery was last Friday, everything went really well and he is currently recovering. But there is a good chance that if I go into labor anytime before next weekend I won't be able to have Dr. Harro deliver my baby :( I'm definitely sad about that one! I know everything will be fine, there are plenty of other great doctors in that practice, but I've had Dr. Harro as my doctor from the start of this pregnancy, and I would really be comforted and feel a million times better if he is the one there when it's time to push, not some stranger! I saw one of his partners for my check-up this week, and I guess Dr. Harro told her to ask me to hang on, that he was recovering as fast as he could and he really wanted to be the one to deliver Kaleb. We'll see how that plays out! So far, Kaleb seems to be fine with staying in mommmy's tummy for a while longer, and, while I'm waaay excited to meet him, I'm perfectly comfortable, so if he wants to hang out in there for a bit longer I suppose that's okay with me.
Kyle seems to think I'll be going into labor any minute now. We are in the middle of the "Blizzard of 2009" (as it is being called by meteorologists across the country). The news is going crazy with reports of snowing, blowing, drifting, and whiteout conditions all the way from Arizona to here. Schools have been closed for days, the news people are telling us not to be on the roads unless it is absolutely necessary. Kyle says that, when we found out this summer that our due date was actually December instead of January, he had a feeling even then that we'd be driving to the hospital during a huge snow storm. If he's right then Kaleb should be coming any day now!
For now, the nursery is ready, the house is set for him to come home. The family and friends are all anxiously awaiting that call from us telling them "it's time!" and we are just waiting for Kaleb to decide it's time for his grand entrance. Mommy is ready and just waiting for that first official contraction. Plenty of Braxton-Hicks so far, and they are getting more and more intense. I've finally got my treadmill here in the basement and have been logging 3-4 miles a day, as walking is supposed to help bring on labor. Aunt Kerry let me borrow her yoga ball, so I've been sitting, bouncing, and rocking on that, and have been eating some spicy foods since they say that may spur contractions as well. Daddy is so excited for Kaleb to get here! When we are sitting together on the couch, everytime I move and make a sound (which seems to be a requirement for moving these days!) he looks at me with that question of "is it time?!?" on his face. He's got the route to the hospital all mapped out, the bags packed, and he is ready to get this show on the road :)
No matter what, Kaleb will be here by Christmas Eve. My doctor won't let me go more than 2 weeks past my due date, which puts us at 12/24. I kind of hope it is sooner than that since we have family coming in to town for Christmas and they will all want to meet him, and I'd like to have at least a few days to recover from delivery before trying to go out and celebrate holidays. But, as I said, it is all up to Mr. Kaleb and whatever he decides will be just fine with me! Who knows when I'll get to post again, so for now just know that Kyle and I are quite possibly the most excited new parents you'll ever meet, that I am already head over heels in love with this little guy and I can't begin to imagine how much more intense this feeling is going to be once I actually get to meet him, that there are tons of people anxiously awaiting this birth, and that we can't wait to meet Kaleb Eugene Remsburg!!!

It's a BOY!!!

haha! I guess I never did post about that...we've known for a month now, but in all the excitement I forgot about this blog, so the update is a bit late.
We had our ultrasound appointment where they would be able to tell us the sex of the baby scheduled for August 6, Kyle's birthday :) I was SO anxious by the time that appointment finally got here that I had a mini breakdown on my way there because I couldn't find the right parking lot. Poor Kyle had to deal with me freaking out and starting to cry because I was so frustrated and tired and worked up and just wound for this appointment. Naturally, he was a pro and just talked me through the directions until I found the place. He's going to be the BEST daddy in the world!!!
So, in the weeks leading up to the ultrasound, I had started having dreams about my baby, and in all the dreams the baby was a boy. Outside of these dreams I didn't really have any intuitions about whether baby was a girl or a boy, and we didn't have a preference. I just wanted to find out, and the wait was killing me. I got to the point where I was having a hard time focusing at work in the week leading up to the appointment, I wasn't sleeping well. Everyone kept wanting to tell me their horror stories about being told they were having a boy and then it turned out to be a girl, or going in for the ultrasound and the nurse not being able to get a good enough shot of the baby to tell whether it was boy or girl. My mind was spinning and I just really really REALLY wanted the appointment to get here and to be able to find out.
And, having had the dreams that it was a boy, I as getting anxious to find out. For some reason I was thinking I was going to have a guilt complex if it turned out to be a girl, because I had been dreaming about a boy, and even though I really didn't care whether it was a boy or a girl, I kept thinking that if it was a girl I'd feel all terrible for having dreamt about a boy instead of about my girl...yes, I realize this is crazy.
And then, finally, the day of the appointment arrived, and (after the parking drama) Kyle and I were finally there sitting in the waiting rooom for our turn. Naturally, they were running late so we had to wait an extra 45 minutes (and, yes, my bladder was full and it was uncomfortable) but the moment arrived and it was our turn. We went back to the room, I laid on the table and Kyle sat next to me. We waited for the nurse to get the goop on my belly and get the machine set up. And the first image we see is proof beyond all doubt that this is for sure a boy! What an awesome feeling. I just had this major relief that we were able to see what we were having, no more waiting and wondering. I held Kyle's hand and the tears just streamed down my face. I had been so anxious to know, and all worried about the dreams, and tired from not sleeping and it was just such a sense of "ahhh, finally!" hard to explain, but a truly wonderful moment! The rest of the ultrasound went well, Baby was really active so it was hard to get some of the pictures. But, we were able to see both kidneys, all 4 chambers of the heart, the hands and feet, and got a great picture of his little profile. Kyle was most proud of the picture that proved we were having a boy...typical guy! He was actually so excited about it that he had us stop in the lobby on the way out so he could take a picture of the ultrasound printout with his cell phone and send that pic to his work buddies. Awwww, the proud papa :)

27 Weeks!

This Thursday will mark 27 weeks, which leaves me only one week until I officially enter that 3rd trimester...unbelievable! When I think back to just one year ago today, I was putting the finishing touches on my wedding plans, scrambling around to get the details of the reception tied up and getting ready to start my marriage with Kyle. Now, here I am, almost a full year into that marriage and preparing for yet another of life's grand adventures :)
We are working through the Great Name Hunt right now, finding it much easier to come up with the list of names we don't want, but I'd guess that's pretty normal. I'm confident we'll come up with the perfect name for our little guy!
Baby is moving and shaking in there! Kyle was finally able to feel the movement this weekend, it was the best look on his face when he realized what he was feeling under his hand :) Over the past few weeks Baby has developed a habit of moving around quite a bit in the mornings (between 9 and 11), the afternoons (from about 1 to 3) and then seemingly nonstop at night, from about 8:00 all the way through the night. I'll wake up sometimes at night and just be able to lay there and feel him kicking, punching, flipping, and whatever else he has going on in there.
Last night I woke up during the middle of the night and it just hit me out of nowhere "I'm going to have a baby in this house in just a few months!" This is just such a major thing, sometimes I lose sight of just how "big" this is because I'm so excited about everything. I'm working hard to appreciate and enjoy these last few months of "couple time" for Kyle and I, everyone I talk to says to make the most of this time. I try to make sure we have at least one lazy morning each weekend together. I usually wake up before him on the weekends, so I use the time to read my book and enjoy the silence. I make breakfast so that the smells wake him up (although he does tend to wake up as soon as he hears the dishes moving around in the kitchen!) and then we eat a lazy breakfast together and just hang on the couch for an hour or so watching some silly movie or whatever. I figure it is going to be a loooong time before we'll get to do this again once Baby is here!
According to the books and websites, my uterus is the size of a basketball now. That blows my mind!!! The thought of an entire basketball inside my belly...basketballs are BIG, well, so is my belly, so I guess it all adds up, but still, for some reason a basketball just seems huge! Baby is around 2 pounds and 15 inches long from head to foot now. He can hear me when I talk, and will begin to recognize my voice and Kyle's voice soon. His eyes are open now and he can see light, so they say if I shine a flashlight on my tummy then Baby will respond with a kick or something. I tried it once to see if it would help Kyle feel Baby move, but I don't really like the idea of bugging Baby with bright lights, he moves plenty now and Kyle has for sure felt those kicks, so I think we'll let Baby rest in his cozy home without the nuisance of bright lights.
One fun thing, when I read my books (which, as we know, is always!) I have found myself resting the book on my belly. Inevitably, Baby pushes, shoves, and/or kicks where the book is, and he is strong enough to where you can actually see the book jump. Guess I better be careful about resting any hot chocolate or anything on there! ;)

19 Weeks!

We are 19 weeks into this pregnancy and what an adventure it is! Of course, I started this blog with visions of future cozy family moments where Kyle and I could sit with this little one and read a week-by-week account of what Mommy and Daddy were like during the pregnancy. And, of course, that is completely unrealistic because half the time I don't even remember to post, and when I do remember I am inevitably somewhere that I can't do an update. But, hey, I've got a few minutes now and had a couple fun things to capture :)
One of them, and this is so minor, but it made me smile and I'm still kind of laughing over it...anyways, okay, back on track. Today I was reading on a website about what to expect at 19 weeks and it mentioned that iron was an important nutrient for baby and me right now, and that red meat is one of the best sources of iron. I've been noticing quite an increase in my desire for red meat over the past week or two, which is differnt for me, usually I don't crave steak or burgers, I mean, I'll never pass up a cheeseburger or a steak! But, I don't normally spend all day at work fantasizing about grilling burgers for dinner :) So, anyways, I email Kyle about it cuz I thought it was interesting (the craving red meat/iron, not the cheeseburger fantasy) and he replies with "well we're going to have to get you a slab of cow to eat tonight! wouldn't your pre-nadal pills have a bunch of iron in them?" and I just started cracking up because of his spelling of "pre-nadal" instead of "pre-natal", is that only funny to me?? Jennifer and Angie got a kick out of it, one of those endearing things that men do. I can't fault him, the way it is pronounced would certainly match up with his spelling, but to me it was just the cutest thing! Okay, so there is one little milestone or family moment or whatever you want to call that one.
The next thing I wanted to post about was the ultrasound I had 2 weeks ago. Dr. Harro wanted me to go in to have an ultrasound that would help us nail down the age of the baby, which would give us a more accurate due date. We were thinking I was about 11 weeks along and would be due around January 18, 2010. The rules for ultrasounds include drinking at least 32 oz. of water about an hour before the appointment, apparently a full bladder makes the ultrasound picture show up more clearly. Now, being me, I had to go to the extreme on the water drinking. In my thinking, if 32 oz. would give an okay picture of baby, just imagine what 64 oz. would do! Oh yeah, there goes Extra-Credit Sarah pounding through 64 oz. of water an hour before her appointment, chug-a-lug!! This was at 5:00 and my appointment is scheduled for 6:00. I get there all proud of myself and thinking this will be a great ultrasound, considering an 11 week old baby is pretty tiny, I wanted to be absolutely certain that we'd get a good look at Baby Remsburg! And then I get there and find out they are "running a little behind". uh oh. turns out I didn't get into that room until 6:45, and ohhhhhhh was I regretting those extra 32 oz. by that point! But the picture showed up just wonderfully, and I was completely enthralled by the image of that perfect little one on the screen, I completely forgot about my bladder that was ready to burst and started hoping we could just look at those ultrasound images for hours on end. The nurse was taking measurements and pointing out baby's head, arms, legs and spine for me, it was amazing! At one point she showed me the legs and said, "See how they are moving? Baby is kicking your bladder" lol! What a stinker! Then she says, "Everything is looking great for a 16.5 week pregnancy!" and I just kind of did a double take, asked her "Whaaaaat??" and she confirmed for me that we were actually just about 17 weeks in, not 11, and my new due date is now December 10, 2009. I was SOOOOOO excited! The first trimester is officially and safely behind me now, praise the Lord! Baby looks healthy and happy just swimming around and kicking away at Mommy's full bladder :) When I called Kyle to tell him on my way home he was super excited himself, and of course, my practical husband was quick to point out that we'd make the tax break cut-off, I do love that man!
Okay, there are some updates for now...oooh, wait, one more while I'm here!
At our first OB-GYN appointment with Dr. Harro we got a chance to possibly hear the heartbeat. Up until that point the only confirmation of pregnancy I'd had was the at home test results...granted, I did take 2, but still, there's nothing like hearing it from the doctor! So anyways, Dr. Harro confirmed that I was for sure pregnant and that Kyle and I were well on our way to becoming Mom and Dad (how cool does that sound?!?!) Okay, so next comes the part where Dr. Harro gets out his Doppler tool and is telling us that, at only 8 or 9 weeks (this was before we had the ultrasound)there is a chance we will hear the heartbeat but we also might not find it, which was totally okay from a "healthy baby" standpoint, but I just really really wanted to hear that sound! And sure enough, when Dr. Harro put the Doppler tool up to my tummy it wasn't more than 15 seconds before we heard that precious little heart beating away. I'm getting all teary just typing about it. That was the most amazing sound I'v ever heard, I couldn't help but get choked up, and yeah, there were tears streaming down my face and a big ole cheese grin going on! It was just so awesome to actually be able to hear my baby, I know there will be even bigger moments in the months (and years) to come, but that was my very first true experience with feeling like a Mommy and I will cherish it for the rest of my life!

And so it begins

Yesterday at 4:00 I saw the one word that will forever change the lives of myself and my husband, Kyle. The word was "pregnant" and it appeared on the home pregnancy test I had just taken in a bathroom stall at work. Yes, that's right, I said at work. I'd spent the 2.5 days leading up to that moment thinking that I was pregnant and I was getting to the point where I couldn't focus on anything else, so I got up from my desk at 3:15 and drove myself to Target.
Once I found where the tests were I spent a solid 10 minutes agonizing over the different brands and all the different types within each brand. Finally, I realized that it really didn't matter which one I picked, the results would be the results regardless of the name on the box. I picked the one that has the digital read out, and honestly, my main reason for choosing that one was the commercials they've aired that make fun of their product, calling it the "most advanced piece of technology you will ever pee on." lol! Anyways, I start walking to the checkout and it hits me, "oh no! what if someone I know is here?!?!", so I grabbed some face wash to hold over the box. I know, how ridiculous, but my brain was not at all working with me at the time! I made it to and through the check out with no incident and was safely back in my car and on my way back to work in no time.
Once I was back at my desk I couldn't wait another minute, so I stashed the test in my glasses case and headed for the bathroom, locked myself in the last stall, and took a deeeep breath.
Moment of truth, no going back after this. I didn't even really know what I was hoping for. I'd already been suspecting this for a few days, and as I reflect now I see that I actually pretty much "knew" I was pregnant for weeks already at this point. Kyle and I were not actively trying, and although kids were in the plans for "someday" that day was definitely not 5.12.2009! I had been thinking about what I would do if it did flash "pregnant" and when I was thinking about it I really didn't have any reason for not wanting it to say that other than the fact that I knew Kyle didn't feel like it was time for us to start building the family we both knew we wanted but just hadn't decided to start building just yet. Personally, I've been ready for a baby since the minute he and I got married last September. I had planned to wait until the end of this summer and then start trying once we had reached our first anniversary. My only reason for wanting to wait for the end of summer is that this summer was to be the first one in as long as I can remember that I wasn't in school or planning a wedding. I was looking forward to having a completely responsibility free summer filled with doing whatever I wanted whenever I wanted it. But standing there in that bathroom stall, getting ready to take the test, I had the overwhelming feeling of "I'm so ready for this, I kind of hope it says I'm pregnant!" mixed with "but I'll be okay if I have to wait until fall".
The test was supposed to take 3 minutes for the results to come up, mine came up in less than 30 seconds. When I saw that word on that screen I was flooded with excitement, fear, relief, ecstasy, and an overriding sense of awe. I was going to have a baby!! There is a little tiny life inside me right now, a baby created by my husband and I, that was really the most humbling and awesome feelings I have ever had, and it certainly hasn't gone away!