Ear Infections and the Life Lessons They Hold for Me

Kaleb is 14 months old now. He is recovering from his first ear infection, and it completely turned our household upside down last week! I got a call on Monday to go pick him up from day care because he was running a fever. I was able to take Tuesday off work and stay home with him. He spent the entire day napping, whining, sleeping on my chest, and then there was about an hour and a half where he was completely inconsolable. I was happy to be able to be there for him when he just needed his mommy to cuddle with, but I felt horrible and worthless when I could not figure out what was making him hurt so badly. The fever seemed to be gone Wednesday, but he went to Grandma and Grandpa Remsburg's for the day, and then again on Thursday just to be safe. Back to day care Friday, but they called again that he had another fever that morning and he had to go home. This time he was with Kyle, as I am in the middle of teaching a week long class and had to be at the office. I had been chalking the on again, off again low-grade fever up to teething, since I can see the angry red bumps on his gums where his eye teeth are trying to push through. Sitting in class on Friday afternoon I was cycling through the week and it just seemed like I should call Kaleb's nurse. With the weekend coming up I wanted to check in with a medical professional about the fact that he had been running this fever and it didn't seem to be going away. Nurse Lisa said we should get him to after hours care, just to be on the safe side. So, I called Kyle and met him and Kaleb at the after hours care near our house. After waiting for over 2 hours to be seen, we were informed by the doctor that one of Kaleb's ears was infected and the other was showing signs of a brewing infection (my term, I don't remember the term the doctor used). We were prescribed amoxicillin (sp?), which Kyle went to fill while I took Kaleb home to start bedtime routine. After 2 doses of the meds he seemed to have bounced back, and now he is fever free and has finally been sleeping through the night again.

So, after that long back story, I wanted to post this because I had some realizations through all of this. Not anything I haven't thought of before, but this experience really drove a few things home for me this week.

1. I have zero idea how people raise children with only one parent, I seriously and honestly do not have a clue. I don't mean to sound glib or insensitive, I have the utmost respect for people who are able to pull off the single parenting thing. Because, if it wasn't for Kyle and his involvement in raising our son, I truly don't see how I would have been able to pull off last week. I *had* to be at work for 3 of the days Kaleb was unable to go to day care last week, there was no alternative. And I *had* to be at the office early and stay late, so I would have needed him to run Kaleb to and from day care or any other care option, whether Kaleb was sick or not. What would I have done? Seriously, what would I have done? I don’t have an answer to that question. I suppose I would need to not keep my career as I have it now, I wouldn’t be able to be in a position where other people counted on me, or where I was the one with a unique skill or contribution. I’m so thankful for the fact that we have both of us (Kyle and I) along with devoted grandparents, so that somehow all of us are able to rely on each other and make everything work.

2. I’m amazed at how I’ve learned how to be a mother over the past year. I feel safe putting this here, as no one is likely to ever read it, and to say “I’m proud of myself” out loud or in any public forum seems annoying or something. Anyway. Yes, I am proud of myself. Proud of myself for juggling a career and motherhood, and somehow finding a way to keep it all together. Proud of myself for being there for my son when he was feeling sick and needed his mommy. Proud of myself for being the mommy that my son wanted, if that makes sense. It makes me proud to be the one that another person turns to, the one that someone wants above any other person, and last week I was that person to my sick baby. I’m proud of myself for listening to my instinct and taking him to the doctor. I’m proud of myself for having that instinct in the first place. I’m proud of the way I’m somehow able to put on a calm and collected face, and be the strong one because that’s what Kaleb needed me to be, even though inside I was freaking out and tired and stressed (see observation #3). I suppose this can all be summed up by the obnoxiously self-congratulatory statement: “I’m really good at being Kaleb’s mom.” I may not be the ideal mom for someone else, but apparently for my son I am exactly what he wants and needs, and that seriously makes me proud.

3. Motherhood is scary as hell. Yes, it is fulfilling and rewarding and there is a lot of laughter. But, and maybe this is just me, underneath all the happiness there is a constant fear. It manifests in multiple ways, the fear of him getting too close to the edge of the couch and falling off and hurting himself, the fear of him pulling a cup of hot coffee down on himself, and other normal fears. Then there is the really dark stuff, that perhaps is unique to my own overactive imagination. Such as, the fear that this fever is the one I talk about years from now as “the first sign” that something was horribly and terribly wrong with my baby. The fear that this tantrum is the first clear sign of a developmental delay. The fear that the reason he didn’t wake me up at 6:00 AM this one Saturday morning is because he stopped breathing in his sleep (this one, I’ve read, is rather common, but that doesn’t make it any less scary). During my pregnancy I was so focused on just getting safely to delivery, but now that my baby is here and walking around and growing up, there is this whole new host of horrors in my mind. Just because he was born safely is no guarantee that I’ll get to watch him get on the school bus for the first time, or get to watch as he and Kyle build a volcano for his first science fair, or watch him graduate high school. There are so many things that could take him from me, so many things out there that I have zero ability to control or fix or ward off. And, when I hold my sick feverish baby, or even when I just rock him to sleep on any normal night, it is these dark thoughts that sometimes rise in my imagination. I know all mothers worry at some level about their children, but I often wonder if any one else out there has such morbid fears of losing their baby. For me, it translates into a fierce determination to enjoy every moment, every. single. thing. about being with Kaleb, day in and day out.

I realize that each paragraph in this post would have been fine as an individual, stand-alone update. I suppose I treat this blog as more a personal journal for myself than as most people would think of a “normal” blog. But, hey, I’ve never once claimed to be normal!