It is really cool being married to your best friend, and raising a family with him is even better. I know the "I married my best friend" thing is wildly cliche, but Kyle really really is my very best friend. Maybe I feel a tad more entitled to say it since we actually were friends for a loooong time before we rekindled the romance. Regardless, I love him as a husband AND I like him as a friend and that is simply wonderful.
We got to spend the first part of the week as a family, both of us on vacation. Christmas was great, time with both our families and our own family tradition of gifts and splendiferous breakfast a la Kyle here on Christmas morning. He picked out the very best coffee maker for in-home use that there is, with all the science and jazz about brewing the perfect cup of coffee and all that. I picked Apple TV for him, and we are both having a beauty of a time with our respective gifts.
Yesterday we had set a 10:00 AM date for Reclaim the House from all the Christmas crafting and gift giving/receiving. I would imagine most households go through something like that during the holidays. With all the baking, gift making, gift wrapping and other holiday-cheer spreading tactics, your home just kind of gets taken over. It was great to work together to do a top to bottom, left to right declutter and clean of our home.
We also got to babysit our niece Avery yesterday while her parents (Kari and JB) went to a State basketball game with Frank and Annette. She came over at 3 and we had her until about 11. Things went swimmingly well, and I feel pretty encouraged about having 2 of our own in the house. I know it won't be that nice temporary feeling that a babysitting gig gives you, but between Kaleb not completely falling apart over me taking care of a baby and Kyle being helpful and just generally aware and intelligent about the things it takes to care for 2 kids, well, I'm encouraged.
I am a very blessed individual, to have landed the partner in life that I did!
About Me
- Miss Madly
- My husband, Kyle, and I are the proud and busy parents of two little boys, Kaleb and Jacob. Kaleb joined our family in December 2009 and we welcomed Jacob in April 2012. We both work full time outside the home, I am in the field of Learning and Development. I have a passion for studying the brain and how we learn, which translates beautifully to watching my boys grow up and discover their worlds. I'm also into learning about nutrition, herbalism, food-as-medicine, natural alternatives, and homeopahtic remedies. I hope to provide an uncut view of what life is really like as a working mom, minus the instagram filters and facebook bragging...I'll save that for facebook ;)
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Saturday, December 24, 2011
Mommy Always Comes Back
It's been a while, and a very busy while it has been! I will do a catching up post in the near future but tonight I wanted to capture some thoughts.
There is so much uncertainty in raising kids. How are you supposed to know if the decisions you are making are the right ones? How do you know if the parenting choices and styles you implement are going to have positive outcomes for your children? For the past 2 years now I've been making decisions for my son, and let's be honest, they are little more than well researched stabs in the dark based on what I've read and what 'feels right'. And even the "what I've read part" isn't all that useful because for everyone arguing one style or method there is someone else out there with just as much research arguing the exact opposite. It is maddening and, if you let it, will take much of the joy out of raising up little ones.
There are plenty of 'debates' or whatever around raising children, and one of the big ones is how you get your baby to sleep. Do you rock them to sleep as infants, allow them to fall asleep while nursing, allow them sleep when they want to sleep and eventually work their way into a sleep schedule that works for them? Or do you follow a routine as a newborn and progress into a schedule as an infant, not allowing them to use eating as a means of falling asleep? Do you go to them as soon as they cry or do you let them cry for a bit so they don't become dependent on your assistance to fall asleep?
Anyone reading this with a child born in the last 5-10 years has no doubt read and/or heard all about both of these approaches. I was no exception. I decided to go with what my mom told me, and that was to trust my own instinct. She told me that God gave me Kaleb and gave Kaleb me as a mother for a reason and that I was uniquely suited to care for him in the way in which he would thrive the most. She advised me to not do anything that went against what I ultimately felt was right, that if it made me uncomfortable on a gut level then I probably shouldn't stick with it.
So, I co-slept. I nursed Kaleb on demand and let him fall asleep after he was done eating. When he cried I went to him and picked him up. I wore him in a Moby wrap or baby carrier. A Lot! If you were going to put a label on it, my methods aligned with the parenting style that grew from attachment theory. I found myself very agitated when Kaleb would cry in his crib, the act of not going to him made me feel slightly ill. So I went to him and I picked him up and I sang to him, bounced him, rocked him, shushed him, whatever he seemed to need until he could rest.
I didn't know if I was making him completely co-dependent on me, making him a weak person because he didn't learn to self-soothe. Once he developed the ability to be bored, I quickly learned the difference between his bored cry and his others. When it was a bored cry I would let him be for a bit. When he got old enough to call for me, I would always go to him if he called for me. I still do. Some nights he just cries because he's mad and doesn't want to go to bed. I tell him it's okay to be upset and he doesn't have to sleep right now but that it is time for him to be in his room and I'll be here if he needs me. Some nights he calls for me, and I go to him. To me it is my way of instilling in him the understanding that Mommy is here for him always, and that when he needs me I will be there for him. Most nights he just lays down on his pillow when I put him in bed and that's the end of it.
All that background to share tonight's experience. It is Christmas Eve and we celebrated at my parents house. It was loud and rowdy and Kaleb was plenty wound up. We didn't get home until 9:15, 2 hours past his bedtime. He was having trouble calming down, even after his normal bedtime routine. I read his story, turned off the light and placed him in his crib. He stood right up and told me it wasn't time for bed, it was time to go play. I let him know it was time for quiet rest, he didn't have to go to sleep but he needed to be in his bed. I told him I would come get him when it was time to get up, and then I left the room while he was angry crying. About 2 minutes later his crying changed and he started saying "I need my Mommy". So I went back in. I patted his back and same him one of his songs a couple times then told him I was going to go back to what I was working on. He started crying again and after a few minutes he again said "I need my Mommy." This time I went back in and picked him and we sat in the gliding rocker. He laid his head down and I started humming a song. He picked his head up, looked at me, and said "Mommy always comes back."
This statement, said with absolute certainty, validated all the sleep decisions I've made over the past 2 years. This was exactly what I wanted to ingrain in my son. The firm belief that Mommy will always come back, always be here, always love him and take care of him.
I replied that Mommy always comes back and then sang him the little song we sing about that very thing (chorus of this song, starts at 39 seconds). I felt him relax in my arms and within 3 minutes he was asleep.
I don't presume to say my style is "right" or "wrong" in any absolute sense of the word. Others reading this post may say I am being manipulated by my son. Some may not agree with any of this at all. I also don't at all believe that mine is the only way to go about teaching a child that a parent is always there for him. I'm not writing this as a means of justifying anything other than this: I made a decision based on my relationship with my son. I made this decision with very little to go on, since I've never been a mother before. I stuck with my decision, although I regularly re-assessed my motives behind it to make certain I was following this path because it was the right one for our family, not just because it was what a book said to do. I had plenty of moments of wondering if I was doing more harm than good.
Tonight, I got to finally hear from my own child's voice that my choices were yielding the results I had hoped for. That was such a satisfying thing to hear him say.
There is so much uncertainty in raising kids. How are you supposed to know if the decisions you are making are the right ones? How do you know if the parenting choices and styles you implement are going to have positive outcomes for your children? For the past 2 years now I've been making decisions for my son, and let's be honest, they are little more than well researched stabs in the dark based on what I've read and what 'feels right'. And even the "what I've read part" isn't all that useful because for everyone arguing one style or method there is someone else out there with just as much research arguing the exact opposite. It is maddening and, if you let it, will take much of the joy out of raising up little ones.
There are plenty of 'debates' or whatever around raising children, and one of the big ones is how you get your baby to sleep. Do you rock them to sleep as infants, allow them to fall asleep while nursing, allow them sleep when they want to sleep and eventually work their way into a sleep schedule that works for them? Or do you follow a routine as a newborn and progress into a schedule as an infant, not allowing them to use eating as a means of falling asleep? Do you go to them as soon as they cry or do you let them cry for a bit so they don't become dependent on your assistance to fall asleep?
Anyone reading this with a child born in the last 5-10 years has no doubt read and/or heard all about both of these approaches. I was no exception. I decided to go with what my mom told me, and that was to trust my own instinct. She told me that God gave me Kaleb and gave Kaleb me as a mother for a reason and that I was uniquely suited to care for him in the way in which he would thrive the most. She advised me to not do anything that went against what I ultimately felt was right, that if it made me uncomfortable on a gut level then I probably shouldn't stick with it.
So, I co-slept. I nursed Kaleb on demand and let him fall asleep after he was done eating. When he cried I went to him and picked him up. I wore him in a Moby wrap or baby carrier. A Lot! If you were going to put a label on it, my methods aligned with the parenting style that grew from attachment theory. I found myself very agitated when Kaleb would cry in his crib, the act of not going to him made me feel slightly ill. So I went to him and I picked him up and I sang to him, bounced him, rocked him, shushed him, whatever he seemed to need until he could rest.
I didn't know if I was making him completely co-dependent on me, making him a weak person because he didn't learn to self-soothe. Once he developed the ability to be bored, I quickly learned the difference between his bored cry and his others. When it was a bored cry I would let him be for a bit. When he got old enough to call for me, I would always go to him if he called for me. I still do. Some nights he just cries because he's mad and doesn't want to go to bed. I tell him it's okay to be upset and he doesn't have to sleep right now but that it is time for him to be in his room and I'll be here if he needs me. Some nights he calls for me, and I go to him. To me it is my way of instilling in him the understanding that Mommy is here for him always, and that when he needs me I will be there for him. Most nights he just lays down on his pillow when I put him in bed and that's the end of it.
All that background to share tonight's experience. It is Christmas Eve and we celebrated at my parents house. It was loud and rowdy and Kaleb was plenty wound up. We didn't get home until 9:15, 2 hours past his bedtime. He was having trouble calming down, even after his normal bedtime routine. I read his story, turned off the light and placed him in his crib. He stood right up and told me it wasn't time for bed, it was time to go play. I let him know it was time for quiet rest, he didn't have to go to sleep but he needed to be in his bed. I told him I would come get him when it was time to get up, and then I left the room while he was angry crying. About 2 minutes later his crying changed and he started saying "I need my Mommy". So I went back in. I patted his back and same him one of his songs a couple times then told him I was going to go back to what I was working on. He started crying again and after a few minutes he again said "I need my Mommy." This time I went back in and picked him and we sat in the gliding rocker. He laid his head down and I started humming a song. He picked his head up, looked at me, and said "Mommy always comes back."
This statement, said with absolute certainty, validated all the sleep decisions I've made over the past 2 years. This was exactly what I wanted to ingrain in my son. The firm belief that Mommy will always come back, always be here, always love him and take care of him.
I replied that Mommy always comes back and then sang him the little song we sing about that very thing (chorus of this song, starts at 39 seconds). I felt him relax in my arms and within 3 minutes he was asleep.
I don't presume to say my style is "right" or "wrong" in any absolute sense of the word. Others reading this post may say I am being manipulated by my son. Some may not agree with any of this at all. I also don't at all believe that mine is the only way to go about teaching a child that a parent is always there for him. I'm not writing this as a means of justifying anything other than this: I made a decision based on my relationship with my son. I made this decision with very little to go on, since I've never been a mother before. I stuck with my decision, although I regularly re-assessed my motives behind it to make certain I was following this path because it was the right one for our family, not just because it was what a book said to do. I had plenty of moments of wondering if I was doing more harm than good.
Tonight, I got to finally hear from my own child's voice that my choices were yielding the results I had hoped for. That was such a satisfying thing to hear him say.
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
No, really, I'm good either way!
I hit the 20 week mark on Monday, which puts me half way through this pregnancy already! I want to hit the breaks, so opposite from my first pregnancy. With Kaleb I couldn't wait to get to my due date. This time around I'm feeling like time is going way too fast. Not that I'm not excited to meet this little one, but I really enjoy being pregnant. Honestly. Sure there are downsides to it, challenges and irritations with all the changes going on in my body. But I am completely in love with the little kicks and flutters going on in there, and I can't believe I'm already half way done!
I had my 5 month check up this morning and that is the one where I get the referral to schedule my ultrasound, the big one, the "find out what you are growing" one. I'm traveling for work next week, and then Kyle is traveling for work the week after that. So, I'd resigned myself, braced and prepared myself, that we were going to have to wait at least another 2 and a half weeks to get to find out. But, I got lucky and they had an opening for tomorrow!! Tomorrow morning at 10:45 we are set up for the big ultrasound. I'd done such a great job preparing to wait, it is hard now to believe that by this time tomorrow I'll be (hopefully, if baby cooperates) searching girl names or boy names.
Of course there is the big question "What do you hope?" or "Do you have any intuitive leanings?" I've given them thought and continue to come to the same conclusions. On the "hope" front, I don't have a preference this time around. I mean it. I am big enough to admit that with my first I was really hoping for a boy. I had been dreaming of a little boy and I went into the ultrasound hoping we'd hear "it's a boy!" So, that worked out really well :) This time, I'm truly happy either way. I would love to have a girl, a daughter to raise and do fun things like shop for prom dresses and/or do awesome science fair projects with that beat the pants off all the other kids in her class. Raising a daughter would be an amazing experience and I'll be thrilled to find out tomorrow that I will get to see what it is like. I would also love to have a boy. Watching Kaleb grow up with a brother, having two sons, getting to see the differences between both of my sons. All of that would be so cool. Maybe one son is the artist and musician while the other is the academic star, or perhaps an athlete? Or maybe both sons are musically inclined and someday The Remsburg Brothers give Avett a run for their money :)
On the intuitive leanings front, I've had one dream so far featuring my baby. In that dream I was holding and caring for a baby girl, and it was a very vivid dream about this baby girl. With Kaleb, I only ever dreamed about a little boy. We'll learn soon if I'm 2 for 2 on the gender prediction dreams or not.
The good news is, boy or girl will be amazing news. The other side of that is that, regardless of what we learn tomorrow, I imagine I'll have some sadness over the other. I'm really excited about either possibility, about both possibilities, but I only get one.
On another pregnancy note, when I stepped on the scale today, 20 weeks into pregnancy, half way done already, that lovely little scale reported that I've only gained 5.4 pounds so far. That was a good moment for me. Not because I have a warped view of pregnancy weight gain, but because I was so indulgent with my first pregnancy that I still have plenty of that baby weight to go around! The doctor is happy with the health, growth, and development of the baby and didn't have any concerns. I'm happy that I am doing a waaay better job being responsible this time around than last :)
There's my update for now, I'm excited to have some big news to share tomorrow!
I had my 5 month check up this morning and that is the one where I get the referral to schedule my ultrasound, the big one, the "find out what you are growing" one. I'm traveling for work next week, and then Kyle is traveling for work the week after that. So, I'd resigned myself, braced and prepared myself, that we were going to have to wait at least another 2 and a half weeks to get to find out. But, I got lucky and they had an opening for tomorrow!! Tomorrow morning at 10:45 we are set up for the big ultrasound. I'd done such a great job preparing to wait, it is hard now to believe that by this time tomorrow I'll be (hopefully, if baby cooperates) searching girl names or boy names.
Of course there is the big question "What do you hope?" or "Do you have any intuitive leanings?" I've given them thought and continue to come to the same conclusions. On the "hope" front, I don't have a preference this time around. I mean it. I am big enough to admit that with my first I was really hoping for a boy. I had been dreaming of a little boy and I went into the ultrasound hoping we'd hear "it's a boy!" So, that worked out really well :) This time, I'm truly happy either way. I would love to have a girl, a daughter to raise and do fun things like shop for prom dresses and/or do awesome science fair projects with that beat the pants off all the other kids in her class. Raising a daughter would be an amazing experience and I'll be thrilled to find out tomorrow that I will get to see what it is like. I would also love to have a boy. Watching Kaleb grow up with a brother, having two sons, getting to see the differences between both of my sons. All of that would be so cool. Maybe one son is the artist and musician while the other is the academic star, or perhaps an athlete? Or maybe both sons are musically inclined and someday The Remsburg Brothers give Avett a run for their money :)
On the intuitive leanings front, I've had one dream so far featuring my baby. In that dream I was holding and caring for a baby girl, and it was a very vivid dream about this baby girl. With Kaleb, I only ever dreamed about a little boy. We'll learn soon if I'm 2 for 2 on the gender prediction dreams or not.
The good news is, boy or girl will be amazing news. The other side of that is that, regardless of what we learn tomorrow, I imagine I'll have some sadness over the other. I'm really excited about either possibility, about both possibilities, but I only get one.
On another pregnancy note, when I stepped on the scale today, 20 weeks into pregnancy, half way done already, that lovely little scale reported that I've only gained 5.4 pounds so far. That was a good moment for me. Not because I have a warped view of pregnancy weight gain, but because I was so indulgent with my first pregnancy that I still have plenty of that baby weight to go around! The doctor is happy with the health, growth, and development of the baby and didn't have any concerns. I'm happy that I am doing a waaay better job being responsible this time around than last :)
There's my update for now, I'm excited to have some big news to share tomorrow!
Saturday, November 26, 2011
Thanksgiving in Charleston, SC
We just returned from a wonderful family vacation to Charleston, SC to visit Kari, JB, and the sweet little Avery Ann. We were joined by Alysa and Anders, so it was a great time of seeing Kyle's siblings and their families! I will attempt here to capture the highlights of the trip, although understand that no blog post is going to adequately capture the experience. Another note, Kari, JB and Avery technically live in Mount Pleasant, SC, which is within Charleston County.
We arrived on Sunday, 11/20, in the early afternoon. Our plane left GR at 8:00 AM so it was an early start to the day for us, but it was great to be there in time for Kaleb's normal nap schedule. JB had been traveling for work the week before, so we actually met up with him in the Detroit airport and we were all on the same flight to SC where Kari and Avery were waiting to pick us up. After Kaleb's nap we went out to Shem Creek Park and walked to the end of the boardwalk, where we got to see a gorgeous sunset. That night we had dinner at a local spot right near Shem Creek. Kari says in the summer time it is "poppin'" (her term, which the guys jumped all over teasing her for) and I could see why. We got to sit out on a deck right on the water, and the food and drink menu seemed perfect for after a day of adventure in the SC sun!
On Monday morning, Kari took us to Palmetto Island County Park which was quite possibly the coolest park I have ever been to (sorry, Seidman, but this place had palm trees and playgrounds!). The playground areas were massive and Kaleb went crazy climbing and sliding until he was completely exhausted. The boardwalks and walking paths were beautiful. We climbed up a 50-foot observation tower to enjoy a great view, Kaleb loved climbing all those stairs and also had a blast playing in the really long tunnel slide. We stopped by the water for a picnic lunch that Kari had packed us, and then she took Kaleb down by the water to cool off his feet while I got to hang out with Avery. Then it was back to the house for nap, and after nap Alysa and Anders arrived from Maine so we spent the evening catching up with them. Kari served a yummy home cooked dinner of enchiladas with fresh tomato and avocado.
Tuesday, the temps were in the upper 70's and we took full advantage by heading to the beach in Isle of Palms. It was pretty sweet to be at the beach the same week as Thanksgiving! Kaleb was in heaven playing in the sand and water, Avery was happy and grinning away in her stroller, and the adults thoroughly enjoyed a beautiful morning walk and play on the beach! We had lunch in town and then headed back home. Kyle went on a work meeting with JB at 3:00, and the rest of us went and walked the Historic Charleston City Market, which is 4 blocks of open air buildings filled with vendors selling everything from homemade sweetgrass baskets (which Charleston is well known for) to paintings and spices and scarves and jewelry. It's probably just as well that I had forgotten to get cash before we went, since I would have impulse shopped a ton! We did pick up a sack of stone ground grits to make for dinner. Kyle and JB met us after their work meeting and we all took a walk along the waterfront, then had dinner out (on the waterfront again, we really took advantage of that!), then made our way back home.
Wednesday morning was filled with a walking tour of historic Charleston, guided by our gracious hostesses, Kari and Avery. We walked along the waterfront of Charleston Harbor, toured Battery Park, and walked through the residential area where we saw a lot of really cool historic homes. After lunch at home and a nap for Kaleb, we were beach bound again! Kaleb worked with Kyle, Anders, and JB to build his first official sandcastle. When we asked him what it was he told us it was a Pancake Dinosaur with Syrup on Top. Quite the imagination! That night we had a homecooked southern specialty dinner. Alysa made creamy grits and collard greens and Kari sauteed some fresh shrimp. We got to eat together on the screened porch. After dinner was put away, we got to work on prepping dishes for Thanksgiving dinner the next day. It was fun to spend time with family in the kitchen!
Thursday was the big feast day. We attempted a return trip to Palmetto Island County Park, only to find it closed for the holiday. Since we had promised Kaleb fun on the slides, Kari and JB re-routed us to another park with slides that Kaleb found more than adequate :) Upon return home, it was time for Kyle, Anders, and JB to begin assembling the deep fryer purchased for the turkey while the rest of us worked on pulling together the sides and appetizers. Dinner came together beautifully, the turkey was deep fried without incident, and all the food was delicious! We were joined by JB's mom and grandma for dinner and it was a great time of good food and good company.
On Friday morning, we saw Alysa and Anders off on their journey back home to Maine. Then we went to Patriot's Point where we walked the docks of the marina and saw lots and lots of boats, a big hit for Kaleb! Our flight home departed at 5:00 so we got Kaleb down for his nap, packed everything up, then tried to go get sushi for Kyle. No luck on the sushi, everything was closed for the holidays. However, we went to a different restaurant for lunch and then got to the airport in plenty of time for our flight.
As we sat in the plane waiting for take-off we were informed that there was a mechanical issue with the radio communicating with the tower, and we had to wait for it to be fixed. The wait meant we would miss our connecting flight in Detroit. So, we got a bonus night of vacation. Kari came back to the airport to pick us up, we rented a movie, and had a quite night in. Our flight was re-booked for this morning (Saturday) at 9:00 AM. Kari brought us back to the airport and this time we traveled incident free all the way home to Grand Rapids.
The trip was everything we hoped it would be and then some. Kari was an astounding hostess, she even had chocolates on our pillows when we arrived, area brochures on our dresser, and a hand painted card (by Kari) welcoming Kaleb! We got to experience all kinds of beautiful and exciting things around Charleston, and got to do so with family which is priceless. Kaleb did great on his first plane ride, with only a 5 minute mini-meltdown on the way there when he wanted to get down and play. We got to meet and spend quality time with the lovely Avery, and at such a fun age (4 months) she was full of smiles and sunshine. It is clear that she is a secure, loved, happy, and extremely well cared for little girl.
Now we get to look forward to Kari, JB, and Avery traveling up here for Christmas. It made saying "bye" a lot easier knowing it was only for a month!
We arrived on Sunday, 11/20, in the early afternoon. Our plane left GR at 8:00 AM so it was an early start to the day for us, but it was great to be there in time for Kaleb's normal nap schedule. JB had been traveling for work the week before, so we actually met up with him in the Detroit airport and we were all on the same flight to SC where Kari and Avery were waiting to pick us up. After Kaleb's nap we went out to Shem Creek Park and walked to the end of the boardwalk, where we got to see a gorgeous sunset. That night we had dinner at a local spot right near Shem Creek. Kari says in the summer time it is "poppin'" (her term, which the guys jumped all over teasing her for) and I could see why. We got to sit out on a deck right on the water, and the food and drink menu seemed perfect for after a day of adventure in the SC sun!
On Monday morning, Kari took us to Palmetto Island County Park which was quite possibly the coolest park I have ever been to (sorry, Seidman, but this place had palm trees and playgrounds!). The playground areas were massive and Kaleb went crazy climbing and sliding until he was completely exhausted. The boardwalks and walking paths were beautiful. We climbed up a 50-foot observation tower to enjoy a great view, Kaleb loved climbing all those stairs and also had a blast playing in the really long tunnel slide. We stopped by the water for a picnic lunch that Kari had packed us, and then she took Kaleb down by the water to cool off his feet while I got to hang out with Avery. Then it was back to the house for nap, and after nap Alysa and Anders arrived from Maine so we spent the evening catching up with them. Kari served a yummy home cooked dinner of enchiladas with fresh tomato and avocado.
Tuesday, the temps were in the upper 70's and we took full advantage by heading to the beach in Isle of Palms. It was pretty sweet to be at the beach the same week as Thanksgiving! Kaleb was in heaven playing in the sand and water, Avery was happy and grinning away in her stroller, and the adults thoroughly enjoyed a beautiful morning walk and play on the beach! We had lunch in town and then headed back home. Kyle went on a work meeting with JB at 3:00, and the rest of us went and walked the Historic Charleston City Market, which is 4 blocks of open air buildings filled with vendors selling everything from homemade sweetgrass baskets (which Charleston is well known for) to paintings and spices and scarves and jewelry. It's probably just as well that I had forgotten to get cash before we went, since I would have impulse shopped a ton! We did pick up a sack of stone ground grits to make for dinner. Kyle and JB met us after their work meeting and we all took a walk along the waterfront, then had dinner out (on the waterfront again, we really took advantage of that!), then made our way back home.
Wednesday morning was filled with a walking tour of historic Charleston, guided by our gracious hostesses, Kari and Avery. We walked along the waterfront of Charleston Harbor, toured Battery Park, and walked through the residential area where we saw a lot of really cool historic homes. After lunch at home and a nap for Kaleb, we were beach bound again! Kaleb worked with Kyle, Anders, and JB to build his first official sandcastle. When we asked him what it was he told us it was a Pancake Dinosaur with Syrup on Top. Quite the imagination! That night we had a homecooked southern specialty dinner. Alysa made creamy grits and collard greens and Kari sauteed some fresh shrimp. We got to eat together on the screened porch. After dinner was put away, we got to work on prepping dishes for Thanksgiving dinner the next day. It was fun to spend time with family in the kitchen!
Thursday was the big feast day. We attempted a return trip to Palmetto Island County Park, only to find it closed for the holiday. Since we had promised Kaleb fun on the slides, Kari and JB re-routed us to another park with slides that Kaleb found more than adequate :) Upon return home, it was time for Kyle, Anders, and JB to begin assembling the deep fryer purchased for the turkey while the rest of us worked on pulling together the sides and appetizers. Dinner came together beautifully, the turkey was deep fried without incident, and all the food was delicious! We were joined by JB's mom and grandma for dinner and it was a great time of good food and good company.
On Friday morning, we saw Alysa and Anders off on their journey back home to Maine. Then we went to Patriot's Point where we walked the docks of the marina and saw lots and lots of boats, a big hit for Kaleb! Our flight home departed at 5:00 so we got Kaleb down for his nap, packed everything up, then tried to go get sushi for Kyle. No luck on the sushi, everything was closed for the holidays. However, we went to a different restaurant for lunch and then got to the airport in plenty of time for our flight.
As we sat in the plane waiting for take-off we were informed that there was a mechanical issue with the radio communicating with the tower, and we had to wait for it to be fixed. The wait meant we would miss our connecting flight in Detroit. So, we got a bonus night of vacation. Kari came back to the airport to pick us up, we rented a movie, and had a quite night in. Our flight was re-booked for this morning (Saturday) at 9:00 AM. Kari brought us back to the airport and this time we traveled incident free all the way home to Grand Rapids.
The trip was everything we hoped it would be and then some. Kari was an astounding hostess, she even had chocolates on our pillows when we arrived, area brochures on our dresser, and a hand painted card (by Kari) welcoming Kaleb! We got to experience all kinds of beautiful and exciting things around Charleston, and got to do so with family which is priceless. Kaleb did great on his first plane ride, with only a 5 minute mini-meltdown on the way there when he wanted to get down and play. We got to meet and spend quality time with the lovely Avery, and at such a fun age (4 months) she was full of smiles and sunshine. It is clear that she is a secure, loved, happy, and extremely well cared for little girl.
Now we get to look forward to Kari, JB, and Avery traveling up here for Christmas. It made saying "bye" a lot easier knowing it was only for a month!
Sunday, November 6, 2011
Counting Blessings
Sometimes you get hit with a wave of thankfulness, a full on realization of just how blessed you are. I live my life with a commitment to be mindful of all I have been blessed with, but there are those moments where it just takes my breath away. As Kyle and I were driving from dinner last night to go pick up our beautiful son and bring him home, I experienced one of these moments.
Last night, Kyle and I took Kaleb to the Remsburg's where he would spend some time so we could go out for dinner to celebrate my dad's birthday. My son has the privilege of being adored by both sets of his grandparents, and we are blessed to have them all close. Geographically, they are all within a 20 minute drive, this is an amazing blessing and one that I never want to take for granted. They are also close in the emotional sense of the term. Our parents are all interested in our lives, are all in regular contact with us, and are thrilled for any opportunity to spend time with us and with our child. I am so thankful that my children will grow up having strong bonds to their grandparents!
Kyle and I got to dress up and go out for dinner with my family last night to celebrate my dad's birthday. All my siblings and their spouses where there. I'm blessed to have such a close family, again geographically and emotionally. While we've all had our own battles and struggles in life, we are ultimately healthy and happy and I am so thankful to get to see each of my siblings happy and blessed.
I'm thankful for the blessing of gainful employment for both me and my spouse, so that our family can enjoy things like birthday celebration dinners. That we have a warm and safe home to come back to after we go out. I am thankful for the safe and reliable vehicle in which we drove to pick up our son and bring him home in last night. I am blessed to have been able to do some research on the best toys for my son for Christmas and birthday this year and to be in a financial position where I can put gifts under the Christmas tree.
I count it a true blessing that I have never yet had to face the stress of not being able to put nutritious food on our family table. This is something I will never take for granted, and I say a prayer of thanks every time I am in the checkout at the grocery store with my cart full of food for my family.
I have my family, the most blessed part of my life. I have a healthy and happy son. That statement alone is one to stop and savor. We have been blessed with a healthy pregnancy, another little life growing safely inside me. My son has a father who loves him, who is involved in his care and upbringing. I am blessed to have my husband beside me as we raise our family, as my best friend and as my partner in building this amazing life.
These are the things I think about in my quiet moments. I never want to lose sight of just how many blessings I have in my life. The day to day can be so tiring, and can leave negative thoughts swirling. But these things I've shared today, for me these are what it is truly all about.
Last night, Kyle and I took Kaleb to the Remsburg's where he would spend some time so we could go out for dinner to celebrate my dad's birthday. My son has the privilege of being adored by both sets of his grandparents, and we are blessed to have them all close. Geographically, they are all within a 20 minute drive, this is an amazing blessing and one that I never want to take for granted. They are also close in the emotional sense of the term. Our parents are all interested in our lives, are all in regular contact with us, and are thrilled for any opportunity to spend time with us and with our child. I am so thankful that my children will grow up having strong bonds to their grandparents!
Kyle and I got to dress up and go out for dinner with my family last night to celebrate my dad's birthday. All my siblings and their spouses where there. I'm blessed to have such a close family, again geographically and emotionally. While we've all had our own battles and struggles in life, we are ultimately healthy and happy and I am so thankful to get to see each of my siblings happy and blessed.
I'm thankful for the blessing of gainful employment for both me and my spouse, so that our family can enjoy things like birthday celebration dinners. That we have a warm and safe home to come back to after we go out. I am thankful for the safe and reliable vehicle in which we drove to pick up our son and bring him home in last night. I am blessed to have been able to do some research on the best toys for my son for Christmas and birthday this year and to be in a financial position where I can put gifts under the Christmas tree.
I count it a true blessing that I have never yet had to face the stress of not being able to put nutritious food on our family table. This is something I will never take for granted, and I say a prayer of thanks every time I am in the checkout at the grocery store with my cart full of food for my family.
I have my family, the most blessed part of my life. I have a healthy and happy son. That statement alone is one to stop and savor. We have been blessed with a healthy pregnancy, another little life growing safely inside me. My son has a father who loves him, who is involved in his care and upbringing. I am blessed to have my husband beside me as we raise our family, as my best friend and as my partner in building this amazing life.
These are the things I think about in my quiet moments. I never want to lose sight of just how many blessings I have in my life. The day to day can be so tiring, and can leave negative thoughts swirling. But these things I've shared today, for me these are what it is truly all about.
Saturday, October 29, 2011
My birth story
I never did share my labor and delivery story here, and in order for future posts to make sense, I need to get this experience captured:
I was due on 12/10/09 and by 12/18 I hadn't dilated to even 1cm on my own. So my doctor scheduled me for an induction on 12/20. I was active in wanting that induction, I was anxious to meet Kaleb and I wanted the labor, delivery, and hospital stay over with in time for me to still make the rounds for Christmas. On 12/20 I was supposed to report to the hospital at 7pm for my induction. Kyle and I went to walk around at the mall that afternoon, and at 3pm I started having mild contractions. We finished buying a couple cute sleepers and onesies and came home.
Contractions continued and we ordered Chinese takeout for dinner, since I knew I wouldn't be allowed to eat at the hospital. We reported for the induction at 7, they got me checked in and set up in the hospital bed, then put Cervidil in which was going to help soften and "ripen" my cervix in an effort to help labor progress. With the Cervidil in, I had to stay laying down so it didn't fall out. I laid there all night, and contractions started coming more regularly. I had sent Kyle home because of the dogs and because I didn't think anything was going to happen and wanted him rested for the next day when they predicted real labor would get rolling.
Throughout the night the contractions were building in intensity and I really wanted to be able to get up and walk around, to try other positions to help labor progress. But, because of the Cervidil I had to stay laying down. At about 5am I had reached my breaking point, having spent all night laying on my back watching the clock tick down the minutes until my next contraction. I couldn't be alone anymore so I called Kyle and asked him to come back. Labor continued slowly progressing, I was dilated to 2 or 3 cm by 9am on 12/21. The nurse took the cervidil out and cleared me to try walking around or using any other positions I wanted to try to move things along. Contractions were still coming regularly and I dilated to 5cm by 2:00 that day, with ability to walk around, sit in a chair (ouch!) and move freely. By 2:00 I was in pain and I requested my epidural, which worked almost immediately and had me back in bed. I was able to rest for an hour and dilate to 6cm by 3:30. I never pushed the button on the epidural and by 4:00 I started feeling pain again on the right side of my body. I had also stopped dilating. We tried adding more good stuff to the epidural, the pain kept coming and the dilation was still only 6cm. They had put me on pitocin at some point during the day, I forget when.
By 8pm I hadn't dilated any more and I was tired and the epidural wasn't taking away the pain like it had been when it was first put in. I was feeling each contraction and it was exhausting and painful. I was feeling frustrated because I wasn't making progress. The doctor was concerned because my cervix had been 60% effaced and was now back to 50%, which is opposite of the way it is supposed to go. He was worried it meant Kaleb wouldn't be able to come out, something was happening to make my cervix swell. So at 8:30 he came in and explained to an exhausted, frustrated, and in major pain laboring me that he thought a c-section was something to consider. I said okay, because I was just so tired and couldn't imagine this pain continuing through another night, and I knew it was going to get worse because I was only at 6cm at this point and to get further those contractions were going to have get a lot harder.
My mom came in and held one hand while Kyle held the other and I just bawled for about 5 minutes. I was so tired, and I was scared of a c-section. This wasn't the birth I had imagined, I wasn't going to get to push, I wasn't going to have that moment I'd dreamed of when Kaleb came out and was put on my chest right away. When I'd finished processing all of this, the doctor was back to facilitate my move to surgery. Kyle got prepped, I got prepped, and then they started the process of numbing me. Only it never worked. They kept adding more and more drugs to the IV but I could still feel the needle pricks on the right side of my body. And I could feel when they made the incision. The anesthesiologist finally had to dose me with some drug that would produce amnesia, and I remember laying on the table with my vision going to tunnel vision, as they pulled Kaleb out. Something about how he was in there was making it hard for them to get him out, so they had to wrench and pull all while I was able to feel this going on. I was blacking out, to the point where I had just a pinpoint of vision still left. Then I heard my baby cry for the first time and I was back. He was here and he was healthy and everything was okay. He did manage to pee into my wound, and in the way only a mother can, I find it endearing and precious :)
They took Kaleb and got him cleaned up and gave him to Kyle while I went into shock. My entire body just shaking violently on the table. I guess this is normal, I was too drugged and to delirious to really care at this point, I just wanted my baby. Finally the shaking stopped and I was wheeled into the room where they were giving Kaleb a bath. The nurse had to push down on my stomach to get make sure all the afterbirth was out. That hurt like all hell, and I slapped her away at one point. Then they put my baby in my arms (while all standing around me because I was on sooo many drugs at this point so they needed to be there in case my body gave out) and they helped me try to nurse him for the first time. Then, while I was holding Kaleb, the nurse went back to pressing my stomach, and I didn't care one bit. I had my baby!! It was a beautiful moment after a nightmare of a day.
That's my birth story with Kaleb, 30 hours of labor with a spotty epidural, ending a c-section where I was able to feel what was going on.
I share this because I now need to decide with this pregnancy if I'm going to schedule an elective c-section or go for a trial of labor for a vaginal birth after cesarean, VBAC. More to come on this decision.
I was due on 12/10/09 and by 12/18 I hadn't dilated to even 1cm on my own. So my doctor scheduled me for an induction on 12/20. I was active in wanting that induction, I was anxious to meet Kaleb and I wanted the labor, delivery, and hospital stay over with in time for me to still make the rounds for Christmas. On 12/20 I was supposed to report to the hospital at 7pm for my induction. Kyle and I went to walk around at the mall that afternoon, and at 3pm I started having mild contractions. We finished buying a couple cute sleepers and onesies and came home.
Contractions continued and we ordered Chinese takeout for dinner, since I knew I wouldn't be allowed to eat at the hospital. We reported for the induction at 7, they got me checked in and set up in the hospital bed, then put Cervidil in which was going to help soften and "ripen" my cervix in an effort to help labor progress. With the Cervidil in, I had to stay laying down so it didn't fall out. I laid there all night, and contractions started coming more regularly. I had sent Kyle home because of the dogs and because I didn't think anything was going to happen and wanted him rested for the next day when they predicted real labor would get rolling.
Throughout the night the contractions were building in intensity and I really wanted to be able to get up and walk around, to try other positions to help labor progress. But, because of the Cervidil I had to stay laying down. At about 5am I had reached my breaking point, having spent all night laying on my back watching the clock tick down the minutes until my next contraction. I couldn't be alone anymore so I called Kyle and asked him to come back. Labor continued slowly progressing, I was dilated to 2 or 3 cm by 9am on 12/21. The nurse took the cervidil out and cleared me to try walking around or using any other positions I wanted to try to move things along. Contractions were still coming regularly and I dilated to 5cm by 2:00 that day, with ability to walk around, sit in a chair (ouch!) and move freely. By 2:00 I was in pain and I requested my epidural, which worked almost immediately and had me back in bed. I was able to rest for an hour and dilate to 6cm by 3:30. I never pushed the button on the epidural and by 4:00 I started feeling pain again on the right side of my body. I had also stopped dilating. We tried adding more good stuff to the epidural, the pain kept coming and the dilation was still only 6cm. They had put me on pitocin at some point during the day, I forget when.
By 8pm I hadn't dilated any more and I was tired and the epidural wasn't taking away the pain like it had been when it was first put in. I was feeling each contraction and it was exhausting and painful. I was feeling frustrated because I wasn't making progress. The doctor was concerned because my cervix had been 60% effaced and was now back to 50%, which is opposite of the way it is supposed to go. He was worried it meant Kaleb wouldn't be able to come out, something was happening to make my cervix swell. So at 8:30 he came in and explained to an exhausted, frustrated, and in major pain laboring me that he thought a c-section was something to consider. I said okay, because I was just so tired and couldn't imagine this pain continuing through another night, and I knew it was going to get worse because I was only at 6cm at this point and to get further those contractions were going to have get a lot harder.
My mom came in and held one hand while Kyle held the other and I just bawled for about 5 minutes. I was so tired, and I was scared of a c-section. This wasn't the birth I had imagined, I wasn't going to get to push, I wasn't going to have that moment I'd dreamed of when Kaleb came out and was put on my chest right away. When I'd finished processing all of this, the doctor was back to facilitate my move to surgery. Kyle got prepped, I got prepped, and then they started the process of numbing me. Only it never worked. They kept adding more and more drugs to the IV but I could still feel the needle pricks on the right side of my body. And I could feel when they made the incision. The anesthesiologist finally had to dose me with some drug that would produce amnesia, and I remember laying on the table with my vision going to tunnel vision, as they pulled Kaleb out. Something about how he was in there was making it hard for them to get him out, so they had to wrench and pull all while I was able to feel this going on. I was blacking out, to the point where I had just a pinpoint of vision still left. Then I heard my baby cry for the first time and I was back. He was here and he was healthy and everything was okay. He did manage to pee into my wound, and in the way only a mother can, I find it endearing and precious :)
They took Kaleb and got him cleaned up and gave him to Kyle while I went into shock. My entire body just shaking violently on the table. I guess this is normal, I was too drugged and to delirious to really care at this point, I just wanted my baby. Finally the shaking stopped and I was wheeled into the room where they were giving Kaleb a bath. The nurse had to push down on my stomach to get make sure all the afterbirth was out. That hurt like all hell, and I slapped her away at one point. Then they put my baby in my arms (while all standing around me because I was on sooo many drugs at this point so they needed to be there in case my body gave out) and they helped me try to nurse him for the first time. Then, while I was holding Kaleb, the nurse went back to pressing my stomach, and I didn't care one bit. I had my baby!! It was a beautiful moment after a nightmare of a day.
That's my birth story with Kaleb, 30 hours of labor with a spotty epidural, ending a c-section where I was able to feel what was going on.
I share this because I now need to decide with this pregnancy if I'm going to schedule an elective c-section or go for a trial of labor for a vaginal birth after cesarean, VBAC. More to come on this decision.
Sunday, October 23, 2011
A Change in Seasons
I used to dread winter, to hate it with a passion. I've always enjoyed fall, but in the past the fact that it signaled the approach of the snow and the cold made it impossible for me to count it my favorite season. This year I am finding myself excited for all the things winter brings. The Christmas tree in the living room, the weekend mornings with coffee and snuggles with Kaleb while we watch the birds at the feeder while the snow falls outside and we are warm and cozy inside. Reading books about Thanksgiving, baking and decorating cookies together, singing Christmas songs together, the excitement of watching Kaleb stare in awe as we put the Christmas tree up as a family. All of these things have me super excited about the fact that this cool fall weather means that winter is on its way. If you've knew me before I had Kaleb, you understand that excitement and anticipation about winter is a crazy shift for me!
There is also the forever nostalgia of the winter of 2009, when I was at the end of my pregnancy with Kaleb and filled with anticipation of meeting him. Those amazing first few days in the hospital after he was born, where it was just our new little family. Coming home from the hospital and getting to take our son to Christmas celebrations to meet his family. Then the weeks of snuggling up in the warm house, just me and Kaleb while Kyle was at work all day, with the snow outside and my perfect new baby safe and happy and cuddled with me inside. Yeah, I've completely romanticized winter now :)
There is also the forever nostalgia of the winter of 2009, when I was at the end of my pregnancy with Kaleb and filled with anticipation of meeting him. Those amazing first few days in the hospital after he was born, where it was just our new little family. Coming home from the hospital and getting to take our son to Christmas celebrations to meet his family. Then the weeks of snuggling up in the warm house, just me and Kaleb while Kyle was at work all day, with the snow outside and my perfect new baby safe and happy and cuddled with me inside. Yeah, I've completely romanticized winter now :)
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Flash Flood (of emotions) Warning!
Today when I was picking Kaleb up at day care I told him it was time to put on his coat and he vehemently objected to that idea. I told him that it was time to go home and that meant we had to go outside to get to the car, so he needed his coat because it was cold and raining. Yeah, logic and toddlers don't really get along all that well. So, I wrestled him into this coat and he started carrying on and yelling that he didn't want his coat. When I had the coat fastened he ran away from me, crying (no tears, just angry), to the other side of the play room. From there he stood in the corner continuing to cry and looking from me to Miss Megan. I did my normal thing of keeping eye contact but letting him have his space. Miss Megan commented on how he does this during the day and other people look at her like she is so mean for giving him space, letting him cry and not going and trying to hug him or something. She said she doesn't ignore him, just keeps an eye on him and let's him do his thing until he either calls for her, comes to her, or comes out of it on his own. She then said that he typically only does this for a minute or two and then he's fine, completely moves on to some other activity.
There are two things about this experience that I want to capture:
1. I reeeeally like Miss Megan, she totally 'gets' my son! Because if you go over and try to hug Kaleb when he is venting like this it just pisses him off even more. I also really love that she is open with me about Kaleb's day, sharing with me that this happens but doing it in a positive way, not implying that he is a problem child, rather sharing that this has happened before and letting me know how she handled it. I'm going to be very sad when Miss Megan gets to move up to the 4 year old room!
2. Kaleb is SO my baby! His response to frustration or anger is the same as mine, I just have to find different ways to express it since I don't think my co-workers would appreciate if I started hollering like a wounded dinosaur and running around the office when I'm angry...although it would be entertaining ;) Kaleb and I have flash expressions of our emotions, and then we are done and on to the next thing. When he is mad about something he just has this intense outburst and then it is over, rarely does he pout or dwell on whatever it was that made him mad. Typically, once the outburst expression of emotion is done, he picks himself off and moves on.
For example, after a minute in the corner today, Kaleb walked over to the slide in the room (still crying so we were sure to know how mad he was at me!)and climbed up to the top. He sat on the top of the slide and carried on a little more, then he slid down. He laughed when he got to the bottom and that was that.
It's pretty cool to me to see my kid displaying traits like my own. And, after typing that thought, pretty scary, too!
There are two things about this experience that I want to capture:
1. I reeeeally like Miss Megan, she totally 'gets' my son! Because if you go over and try to hug Kaleb when he is venting like this it just pisses him off even more. I also really love that she is open with me about Kaleb's day, sharing with me that this happens but doing it in a positive way, not implying that he is a problem child, rather sharing that this has happened before and letting me know how she handled it. I'm going to be very sad when Miss Megan gets to move up to the 4 year old room!
2. Kaleb is SO my baby! His response to frustration or anger is the same as mine, I just have to find different ways to express it since I don't think my co-workers would appreciate if I started hollering like a wounded dinosaur and running around the office when I'm angry...although it would be entertaining ;) Kaleb and I have flash expressions of our emotions, and then we are done and on to the next thing. When he is mad about something he just has this intense outburst and then it is over, rarely does he pout or dwell on whatever it was that made him mad. Typically, once the outburst expression of emotion is done, he picks himself off and moves on.
For example, after a minute in the corner today, Kaleb walked over to the slide in the room (still crying so we were sure to know how mad he was at me!)and climbed up to the top. He sat on the top of the slide and carried on a little more, then he slid down. He laughed when he got to the bottom and that was that.
It's pretty cool to me to see my kid displaying traits like my own. And, after typing that thought, pretty scary, too!
Thursday, October 13, 2011
I'd know that feeling anywhere...right?
This morning as I was laying in bed after my alarm went off, I felt some fluttering movements. It seemed a bit early but I definitely felt something like a little flutter. Tonight after work as I was sitting on the couch with Kaleb I felt some much more pronounced little jabs about an inch above and to the right of my belly button. A few flips and maybe some tiny kicks and punches. I'm just a couple days shy of 14 weeks.
According the books my uterus should be just reaching my belly button by now. But, for weeks now I've had a hard bump beneath my ribs and above my belly button. Also, in the past week my belly button has started to "hood" on the top, something that happens during pregnancy, but with Kaleb didn't happen until a few months down the road from now. I haven't gained any weight. Seems odd and I know it isn't what the books say is supposed to be the case right now. But, anecdotal evidence (aka google searching) does say it is possible to have a higher bump and to feel movements this early with second pregnancies.
Another reason I am leaning towards these being first movements is that today was a busy day at work, where I was in training all over the building. So I moved all day long and didn't really rest until I got home and put my feet up. With Kaleb I would get all kinds of movement under those circumstances.
Feeling these movements is amaaaazing. I forgot just how awesome this is. And, just in case these really are the first movements I felt with this little one, I wanted to capture it here :)
(as I was typing this Kyle decided to share with me that he types 102 words per minute...then clarified that it was in his own language. He then gave me clearance to "use" this in my blog. Thanks, honey!)
According the books my uterus should be just reaching my belly button by now. But, for weeks now I've had a hard bump beneath my ribs and above my belly button. Also, in the past week my belly button has started to "hood" on the top, something that happens during pregnancy, but with Kaleb didn't happen until a few months down the road from now. I haven't gained any weight. Seems odd and I know it isn't what the books say is supposed to be the case right now. But, anecdotal evidence (aka google searching) does say it is possible to have a higher bump and to feel movements this early with second pregnancies.
Another reason I am leaning towards these being first movements is that today was a busy day at work, where I was in training all over the building. So I moved all day long and didn't really rest until I got home and put my feet up. With Kaleb I would get all kinds of movement under those circumstances.
Feeling these movements is amaaaazing. I forgot just how awesome this is. And, just in case these really are the first movements I felt with this little one, I wanted to capture it here :)
(as I was typing this Kyle decided to share with me that he types 102 words per minute...then clarified that it was in his own language. He then gave me clearance to "use" this in my blog. Thanks, honey!)
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Smart. Cookie.
I got a report from day care today that Kaleb spelled his name all by himself. Whaaaa?!?! Seriously, is that normal? Is that possible? He is just a baby, right?? I feel super out of the loop on what to expect cognitively at this age, because I feel like that is kinda early for spelling your name. But, I totally believe the teachers and I know they work on this stuff every day, I just can't believe he's already old enough for that. Miss Megan said that up to today he has always responded to "How do you spell your name, Kaleb?" with "uhhmmm R ah uh ah uh" which makes sense because R seems to be his favorite letter
He has been counting to 10 for a couple weeks now. It is common for him to skip either 2 or 3, but once we get to 4 he is golden up to 10.
He has also been helping me read his Scoop the Digger book every night, and he is adding more and more lines to the "his part" collection. As of tonight he is making all the sound effects on every page, saying the "What a mess there was!" line, the "He was stuck!" line, and the "they all laughed" line along with laughing. He also loves to point out the silly bird in the bucket.
I'm so unbelievably proud of him. I have no idea if these accomplishments are ahead of a curve, right on schedule, or developmentally delayed. What I do know is that he amazes me every day!
Okay, that takes care of the "Smart" part of the title. Now for the "Cookie" part. I got some new baking sheets, desperately overdue and necessary! To test them out I baked a couple of the fund raiser cookie dough balls tonight. Kaleb and I then shared cookies and milk while we watched his evening episode of Bubble Guppies. It was the first time we've snuggled over cookies and milk, and it was perfect!
He has been counting to 10 for a couple weeks now. It is common for him to skip either 2 or 3, but once we get to 4 he is golden up to 10.
He has also been helping me read his Scoop the Digger book every night, and he is adding more and more lines to the "his part" collection. As of tonight he is making all the sound effects on every page, saying the "What a mess there was!" line, the "He was stuck!" line, and the "they all laughed" line along with laughing. He also loves to point out the silly bird in the bucket.
I'm so unbelievably proud of him. I have no idea if these accomplishments are ahead of a curve, right on schedule, or developmentally delayed. What I do know is that he amazes me every day!
Okay, that takes care of the "Smart" part of the title. Now for the "Cookie" part. I got some new baking sheets, desperately overdue and necessary! To test them out I baked a couple of the fund raiser cookie dough balls tonight. Kaleb and I then shared cookies and milk while we watched his evening episode of Bubble Guppies. It was the first time we've snuggled over cookies and milk, and it was perfect!
Monday, October 10, 2011
Cutest book worm I ever saw!
We hit a milestone this morning that isn't on any of the official charts, but it is a big deal to me. Kaleb read a book by himself for the first time :)
He woke up earlier than usual and I wasn't ready for him to get out of bed yet. I brought him his juice, turned on the lamp in his room, and gave him a couple of our bedtime stories to "read to Elmo" while I got ready. As I was putting on my makeup I heard him 'reading' the stories. He had Dinosaur's Blanket by Sandra Boynton and a book about dinosaurs going on a train ride.
The Dino's Blanket book is a lift the flap about Dinosaur looking for his blankie. When I read it to him I do fun voices for the characters, and Kaleb was mimicking those voices this morning. The part that always makes him laugh when we read it together is where Dinosaur keeps saying "I want my blankie!" and I say it in different dino voices...what's a 'dino voice' you ask? I didn't know either until I started reading kids books :)
The other book about dinosaurs going on a train ride has certain lines that I could hear him repeating. He is especially fond of the page where the train conductor says "All Aboard!" and he read that page a couple times this morning. Just sitting in his crib, reading his books out loud.
Obviously he wasn't actually reading it, but he remembered enough of the stories from reading them every night that he was able to put together the story again well enough for me to know which book he was reading and what parts he was on. It was a beautiful thing to be able to listen to and I never want to forget just how sweet his voice sounded as he read those books all by himself.
He woke up earlier than usual and I wasn't ready for him to get out of bed yet. I brought him his juice, turned on the lamp in his room, and gave him a couple of our bedtime stories to "read to Elmo" while I got ready. As I was putting on my makeup I heard him 'reading' the stories. He had Dinosaur's Blanket by Sandra Boynton and a book about dinosaurs going on a train ride.
The Dino's Blanket book is a lift the flap about Dinosaur looking for his blankie. When I read it to him I do fun voices for the characters, and Kaleb was mimicking those voices this morning. The part that always makes him laugh when we read it together is where Dinosaur keeps saying "I want my blankie!" and I say it in different dino voices...what's a 'dino voice' you ask? I didn't know either until I started reading kids books :)
The other book about dinosaurs going on a train ride has certain lines that I could hear him repeating. He is especially fond of the page where the train conductor says "All Aboard!" and he read that page a couple times this morning. Just sitting in his crib, reading his books out loud.
Obviously he wasn't actually reading it, but he remembered enough of the stories from reading them every night that he was able to put together the story again well enough for me to know which book he was reading and what parts he was on. It was a beautiful thing to be able to listen to and I never want to forget just how sweet his voice sounded as he read those books all by himself.
Saturday, October 8, 2011
My Tap Dancing Babies
We had the ultrasound yesterday and little one is just fine! Baby's heart rate was at 167 and he/she was being very cooperative for the technician to capture all the necessary shots. She (the tech) commented on how well behaved both my children were (more on that in a minute) and of course, once she said that Baby started flipping and dancing and kicking all around in there, making it almost impossible for her to get any more shots. Hehe. That's right, my children are quite well behaved, until you point it out and then they will prove to you they can be just as rowdy as any other kid out there :)
We made it a family experience yesterday, I picked Kaleb up from day care and brought him with me to the appointment, Kyle left work early to meet us there. When we got back into the room and I was up on the table, Kaleb requested to sit in his own chair (which was actually a foot stool) and then he just watched the screen with this serious and solemn expression. I commented to Kyle afterward that you just know when a tech or nurse or doctor sees a toddler walking in to a parent's appointment they have to be internally cringing.
Kaleb was such a perfect gentleman, a big brother in training, sitting there quietly watching his baby sibling...until the tech commented on my children both being so well behaved. Kaleb didn't really start acting up by any means, but he did start practicing his tap dancing skills from his chair, tapping his feet fast and slow on the floor pretty loudly. And when he started doing that, Baby also started dancing around on the screen. In my pregnancy induced hormonally sentimental state I have decided it is the first moment my babies have danced together. It is a moment in my life I will take with me forever, a true heart smile!
When we came home I took a picture of Kaleb holding the ultrasound picture and was finally able to officially announce this news, a moment I've been waiting for since August 8th! What's most exciting is we can now start talking to Kaleb about all of this, or at least talking about it in front of him. We were holding off on talking about a new baby because we didn't want him spilling the beans before we were ready to do so. But now the news is out! My first order of business will be finding the best "new baby sibling" books out there for kids. I'm SO excited to be book shopping on this topic! :)
It is so beautiful to know that this new baby is in there right now swimming happily and healthily, such a weight of stress and worry off from this past week of worrying after Baby hid from the doppler last Friday. I am so blessed!
We made it a family experience yesterday, I picked Kaleb up from day care and brought him with me to the appointment, Kyle left work early to meet us there. When we got back into the room and I was up on the table, Kaleb requested to sit in his own chair (which was actually a foot stool) and then he just watched the screen with this serious and solemn expression. I commented to Kyle afterward that you just know when a tech or nurse or doctor sees a toddler walking in to a parent's appointment they have to be internally cringing.
Kaleb was such a perfect gentleman, a big brother in training, sitting there quietly watching his baby sibling...until the tech commented on my children both being so well behaved. Kaleb didn't really start acting up by any means, but he did start practicing his tap dancing skills from his chair, tapping his feet fast and slow on the floor pretty loudly. And when he started doing that, Baby also started dancing around on the screen. In my pregnancy induced hormonally sentimental state I have decided it is the first moment my babies have danced together. It is a moment in my life I will take with me forever, a true heart smile!
When we came home I took a picture of Kaleb holding the ultrasound picture and was finally able to officially announce this news, a moment I've been waiting for since August 8th! What's most exciting is we can now start talking to Kaleb about all of this, or at least talking about it in front of him. We were holding off on talking about a new baby because we didn't want him spilling the beans before we were ready to do so. But now the news is out! My first order of business will be finding the best "new baby sibling" books out there for kids. I'm SO excited to be book shopping on this topic! :)
It is so beautiful to know that this new baby is in there right now swimming happily and healthily, such a weight of stress and worry off from this past week of worrying after Baby hid from the doppler last Friday. I am so blessed!
Sunday, October 2, 2011
Deep end swimmer, songs, and The Enforcer
I went on Friday morning to my first OB appointment with Dr. Harro. My uterus is measuring on track for 11.5 weeks, so that was reassuring. But. He wasn't able to find my little bean's heartbeat. He was good to point out that it is only about a 20% success rate finding it this early, but I was kinda freaked out. Still am. After he finished the exam I pulled myself together and asked him "But, I'm for sure pregnant, right?" That's when he explained that my uterus is measuring where it should be for this pregnancy and that the tests have come back as positive. I will go this Friday for an early ultrasound. I'm working not to entertain visions of the u/s tech moving the wand all around and not finding what she is looking for. I'm sure that little bean was just, as Dr. Harro said, 'swimming in the deep end' last Friday and that at the u/s appt. we will see a healthy little one swimming around happily in there. Although I'm sure everything is just fine, I won't be officially announcing until after I get that confirmation next week.
Kaleb has been asking me to sing him songs a lot over the past few weeks, it is really sweet how he says "song?", especially when it is just before bed, after we've finished our prayers and I'm just rocking him a bit. Last night we were playing before bed time and he asked for the Itsy Bitsy Spider song. As I was singing it to him he was 'singing along'. Talk about melting my heart! His little voice singing, wow, he sooo has me wrapped around every single one of those precious little fingers of his!
Yesterday was a house cleaning day, you could say it was a seriously delayed spring cleaning around here. So Kyle and I were all over the house and Kaleb was just bouncing back and forth between us and his toys. At one point he was in his room playing and he called out 'Mommy!' so I said 'What, buddy?' and he said 'Whatcha doin'?' hahah! It was pretty cute and not at all what I expected to hear. He was saying it all day, "Whatcha doin', Mommy?!" with this excited tone in his voice.
I got reports this week that Kaleb has decided he is the teacher's aide in behavioral matters at day care. When the teacher tells another child not to do something, or to stop doing something, Kaleb then runs over to the child and repeats the instructions. If this was as far as it went it would be cute and silly. Unfortunately, he takes the Enforcer role to another level. A little boy was climbing on the book case and the teacher told him to get down. He didn't. Kaleb went over and told him to get down. He didn't. So, Kaleb removed him from the book case...I know this is not okay, but you can't fault me for having a smile over my Jr. Teacher now, can you? Not to worry, I won't be encouraging the behavior. But when Kaleb is in bed at night, I do indulge in a smirk over it. I'm pretty sure this is standard behavior for an oldest child.
Kaleb has been asking me to sing him songs a lot over the past few weeks, it is really sweet how he says "song?", especially when it is just before bed, after we've finished our prayers and I'm just rocking him a bit. Last night we were playing before bed time and he asked for the Itsy Bitsy Spider song. As I was singing it to him he was 'singing along'. Talk about melting my heart! His little voice singing, wow, he sooo has me wrapped around every single one of those precious little fingers of his!
Yesterday was a house cleaning day, you could say it was a seriously delayed spring cleaning around here. So Kyle and I were all over the house and Kaleb was just bouncing back and forth between us and his toys. At one point he was in his room playing and he called out 'Mommy!' so I said 'What, buddy?' and he said 'Whatcha doin'?' hahah! It was pretty cute and not at all what I expected to hear. He was saying it all day, "Whatcha doin', Mommy?!" with this excited tone in his voice.
I got reports this week that Kaleb has decided he is the teacher's aide in behavioral matters at day care. When the teacher tells another child not to do something, or to stop doing something, Kaleb then runs over to the child and repeats the instructions. If this was as far as it went it would be cute and silly. Unfortunately, he takes the Enforcer role to another level. A little boy was climbing on the book case and the teacher told him to get down. He didn't. Kaleb went over and told him to get down. He didn't. So, Kaleb removed him from the book case...I know this is not okay, but you can't fault me for having a smile over my Jr. Teacher now, can you? Not to worry, I won't be encouraging the behavior. But when Kaleb is in bed at night, I do indulge in a smirk over it. I'm pretty sure this is standard behavior for an oldest child.
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Quick Capture of a Milestone
Not really feeling all that "bloggy" lately, but I wanted to capture a milestone that happened today.
When I got to day care to pick Kaleb up tonight I saw the following written in the parent comment section of his daily report sheet:
"Kaleb peed on the potty today!!"
Now that he has graduated to the Tigger room, part of the daily routine is going to the real bathrooms for diaper changes instead of doing them in the care room. The kids are all given an opportunity to sit on the big boy/big girl potty while they are there. Kaleb has been taking advantage of the chance to sit on the potty for a few weeks now, today he actually used it :)
What a fun surprise to read about when I picked him up today! I'm encouraged that he is showing signs of interest, both at home and at day care, in potty training. I would love to have him well on his way before the new baby arrives. I don't want to have him trying to accomplish that at the same time as adjusting to a new baby, so I'm hoping this is the sign that he is getting ready to start the process, which will give us plenty of time to have him comfortable with a new potty routine before baby gets here.
Oh, and since he is my kid, and my mind works this way, I did ask the following clarifying question of his teacher:
"I see it says 'peed ON the potty', before I get too excited, does that mean he used the toilet as it is intended to be used or that he peed all over it while another child was trying to use it?"
Hey man, I wouldn't put it past him!
When I got to day care to pick Kaleb up tonight I saw the following written in the parent comment section of his daily report sheet:
"Kaleb peed on the potty today!!"
Now that he has graduated to the Tigger room, part of the daily routine is going to the real bathrooms for diaper changes instead of doing them in the care room. The kids are all given an opportunity to sit on the big boy/big girl potty while they are there. Kaleb has been taking advantage of the chance to sit on the potty for a few weeks now, today he actually used it :)
What a fun surprise to read about when I picked him up today! I'm encouraged that he is showing signs of interest, both at home and at day care, in potty training. I would love to have him well on his way before the new baby arrives. I don't want to have him trying to accomplish that at the same time as adjusting to a new baby, so I'm hoping this is the sign that he is getting ready to start the process, which will give us plenty of time to have him comfortable with a new potty routine before baby gets here.
Oh, and since he is my kid, and my mind works this way, I did ask the following clarifying question of his teacher:
"I see it says 'peed ON the potty', before I get too excited, does that mean he used the toilet as it is intended to be used or that he peed all over it while another child was trying to use it?"
Hey man, I wouldn't put it past him!
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Wrangling a Cookie Monster
Today my mom picked Kaleb up from day care and brought him over to her house to play with her and Kerry. They missed him so it was a great opportunity to spend some quality time. I had to pick Kyle up at the airport at 5, so it worked out well to have Kaleb over at my mom's until Kyle and I could get out there to get him. We went over there, I took Kaleb into the bathroom with me and put him in a shirt that says "Big Brother" on the front. Then we walked back out to where everyone was and just waited for the shirt to do our announcing. Kerry noticed first, then my mom, then Mikey (he was there putting in new flooring in the bathroom for my mom). It was fun to see everyone so excited :)
After the excitement wound down and we were all just hanging out, Kaleb said he wanted to eat. My mom had made dinner for all of us and she went and made him a little plate of chicken and some potatoes. Kaleb was saying he wanted cookies, he went to the drawer where the cookies are stored and pulled them out then carried them around demanding cookies for dinner. I told him he could have cookies after he ate some of his chicken. He did not at all appreciate this idea and proceeded to push his plate away and continue demanding cookies.
Here I found myself in one of those parenting moments, where you know everyone in the room is watching to see what you will do, how you will handle this one. You know they all have their own opinions on how to best handle your child, but they are waiting to see what you'll do. Will you "put your foot down" and insist he eats a certain number of bites before getting down? Will you strike a bargain that he can have one cookie if he eats his dinner after that? Will you yell at him for behaving this way because he is embarrassing you? I was fully aware of this, and I admit to feeling embarrassed by his defiance and feeling tempted to do any of the above options within the span of 1 minute.
I've read the books on this, identified the strategies and philosophies that make sense to me, and here was my chance to put them into play in a public setting. Kaleb was crying now, yelling for cookies. I told him he could eat his dinner or he could choose to get down for now if he wasn't ready to eat his dinner. He chose to get down, so I helped him down from his chair and he ran to the living room where he proceeded to sit down and cry/make suffering sounds while checking every few moments to make sure he still had an audience. And he for sure had an audience. My mom, sister, brother, and husband were all watching him, and me, to see how this was going to all play out.
I stayed in my chair and made eye contact with him when he looked at me, letting him know I was paying attention and here if he needed me. After about 3 minutes he started adding some pathetic "Moooommmmy"'s into the mix so I took that as my invite. I got up from my chair and went and sat near him, telling him that I was here and that I loved him and showing him so with my actions. He moved away from me and got more upset, then after 30 seconds started moving closer to me. I picked him up and hugged him then sat him down next to me. I assured him again that I was right there and asked if he wanted to go cuddle for a while. He said no and said he wanted to sit and then asked for his passy. I told him I knew where it was and asked him to hold my hand and come with me to help me get it.
When he took firm grip of my hand I was surprised, I had expected him to object for the sake of objecting, as he'd been doing throughout this episode. This marked the turning point. He held my hand and walked with me to his diaper bag, laughed when I made a joke about how the passy was hiding from me, because I couldn't find it where I thought it was, and then took the passy and calmed down. After a minute or so of calm sitting together I asked him if he was ready to come sit up at the table with me again and he said yes. We went to the table, I moved his plate away from him and told him it was ready when he was but he could choose when to eat and showed him where his fork was, within reach. He reached for his fork, I offered him ketchup to dip his chicken in, which he accepted, and then he ate every bite of his chicken.
I wanted to do a full on touch down dance. This was one of the few times while in public that I've had an opportunity to put into practice what I've read in Positive Discipline and Unconditional Parenting, and it worked! I stayed connected and available to him in a moment when he was showing strong emotion. I didn't let my embarrassment based on what others thought turn to anger with him over this. I showed him that, even when he is acting in a way that I may not like, I still love him and I am still going to be there for him, that there it is okay to express intense emotions, Mommy will be right there and will not abandon him just because I don't like his current behavior. I demonstrated that my love is not conditional on his behavior, emotions, or opinions.
Does this mean my mom, sister, brother, and/or husband didn't judge me and my methods? No. It means I stuck to what I felt was right despite what others might think of my parenting. My goal for the interaction was for Kaleb to eat his chicken by his own choice. It took some tears and tantrum on his part and a lot of patience and suppression of embarrassed feelings based on what others think on my part, but in the end, he ate every bite. I'm so glad I didn't let my fear of what others thought dictate my parenting, I'm really proud of myself for doing what I felt was best and right for my child. And I'm SO pleased that it worked!
Oh, and after all that, he never did remember that he wanted a cookie in the first place. So, to keep the universe balanced, I ate the cookie while he played with his Uncle Ben :)
After the excitement wound down and we were all just hanging out, Kaleb said he wanted to eat. My mom had made dinner for all of us and she went and made him a little plate of chicken and some potatoes. Kaleb was saying he wanted cookies, he went to the drawer where the cookies are stored and pulled them out then carried them around demanding cookies for dinner. I told him he could have cookies after he ate some of his chicken. He did not at all appreciate this idea and proceeded to push his plate away and continue demanding cookies.
Here I found myself in one of those parenting moments, where you know everyone in the room is watching to see what you will do, how you will handle this one. You know they all have their own opinions on how to best handle your child, but they are waiting to see what you'll do. Will you "put your foot down" and insist he eats a certain number of bites before getting down? Will you strike a bargain that he can have one cookie if he eats his dinner after that? Will you yell at him for behaving this way because he is embarrassing you? I was fully aware of this, and I admit to feeling embarrassed by his defiance and feeling tempted to do any of the above options within the span of 1 minute.
I've read the books on this, identified the strategies and philosophies that make sense to me, and here was my chance to put them into play in a public setting. Kaleb was crying now, yelling for cookies. I told him he could eat his dinner or he could choose to get down for now if he wasn't ready to eat his dinner. He chose to get down, so I helped him down from his chair and he ran to the living room where he proceeded to sit down and cry/make suffering sounds while checking every few moments to make sure he still had an audience. And he for sure had an audience. My mom, sister, brother, and husband were all watching him, and me, to see how this was going to all play out.
I stayed in my chair and made eye contact with him when he looked at me, letting him know I was paying attention and here if he needed me. After about 3 minutes he started adding some pathetic "Moooommmmy"'s into the mix so I took that as my invite. I got up from my chair and went and sat near him, telling him that I was here and that I loved him and showing him so with my actions. He moved away from me and got more upset, then after 30 seconds started moving closer to me. I picked him up and hugged him then sat him down next to me. I assured him again that I was right there and asked if he wanted to go cuddle for a while. He said no and said he wanted to sit and then asked for his passy. I told him I knew where it was and asked him to hold my hand and come with me to help me get it.
When he took firm grip of my hand I was surprised, I had expected him to object for the sake of objecting, as he'd been doing throughout this episode. This marked the turning point. He held my hand and walked with me to his diaper bag, laughed when I made a joke about how the passy was hiding from me, because I couldn't find it where I thought it was, and then took the passy and calmed down. After a minute or so of calm sitting together I asked him if he was ready to come sit up at the table with me again and he said yes. We went to the table, I moved his plate away from him and told him it was ready when he was but he could choose when to eat and showed him where his fork was, within reach. He reached for his fork, I offered him ketchup to dip his chicken in, which he accepted, and then he ate every bite of his chicken.
I wanted to do a full on touch down dance. This was one of the few times while in public that I've had an opportunity to put into practice what I've read in Positive Discipline and Unconditional Parenting, and it worked! I stayed connected and available to him in a moment when he was showing strong emotion. I didn't let my embarrassment based on what others thought turn to anger with him over this. I showed him that, even when he is acting in a way that I may not like, I still love him and I am still going to be there for him, that there it is okay to express intense emotions, Mommy will be right there and will not abandon him just because I don't like his current behavior. I demonstrated that my love is not conditional on his behavior, emotions, or opinions.
Does this mean my mom, sister, brother, and/or husband didn't judge me and my methods? No. It means I stuck to what I felt was right despite what others might think of my parenting. My goal for the interaction was for Kaleb to eat his chicken by his own choice. It took some tears and tantrum on his part and a lot of patience and suppression of embarrassed feelings based on what others think on my part, but in the end, he ate every bite. I'm so glad I didn't let my fear of what others thought dictate my parenting, I'm really proud of myself for doing what I felt was best and right for my child. And I'm SO pleased that it worked!
Oh, and after all that, he never did remember that he wanted a cookie in the first place. So, to keep the universe balanced, I ate the cookie while he played with his Uncle Ben :)
Sunday, September 18, 2011
Future nostalgia
Our 3 year anniversary is Tuesday (9/20), Kyle took me out to Cygnus last night for dinner to celebrate :) When I think about our wedding in Jamaica just 3 years ago, and that now, for this anniversary, we have a small child and another on the way, I get a sense of future nostalgia. Is that even a thing? I think about how these are the days in our relationship, and in our family, that we'll look back on when we celebrate our 35th anniversary.
The same thing happens when I put our pictures in photo albums. These albums that I'm buying, brand new, right now and filling with pictures from recent events, are going to be the albums the kids pull out years from now when they want to look at their baby pictures. The albums and pictures will become faded and old-looking, probably somewhat tattered from use. They won't probably ever remember these albums as brand new, one of my major accomplishments of this year and years to come. To them, these books (along with so many other things I'll do for them as their mother) will just be something that is there, not a project of love, but just another part of their family life.
And the "me" who put them together will be a memory, a person my kids don't fully know because to them I'll always be 'Mom', they aren't going to really understand the part of me who is 'Sarah' who is still learning right now what it means to be 'Mom', and who will probably still be learning then. They'll try to imagine Mom and Dad as young people with all their friends having the time of their lives in Jamaica for their wedding, but the people they see in those pictures will most likely seem like strangers to them, not possibly the same people they know today as their parents.
Many times, when I'm taking pictures of Kaleb I'm thinking of how these are his baby pictures. The fun shots I take of him on our vacation to Sleeping Bear Dunes will be accessories to the stories I tell him in years to come about the time it was only him, no siblings, and we all went on an adventure together. I already think about how I will be visibly pregnant in all the pictures of his 2nd birthday party this year. And how I will show those pictures to this baby and we'll talk about how this baby was here with us for that party.
I wonder if other people think like this or if it is just me and my romanticized imagination.
The same thing happens when I put our pictures in photo albums. These albums that I'm buying, brand new, right now and filling with pictures from recent events, are going to be the albums the kids pull out years from now when they want to look at their baby pictures. The albums and pictures will become faded and old-looking, probably somewhat tattered from use. They won't probably ever remember these albums as brand new, one of my major accomplishments of this year and years to come. To them, these books (along with so many other things I'll do for them as their mother) will just be something that is there, not a project of love, but just another part of their family life.
And the "me" who put them together will be a memory, a person my kids don't fully know because to them I'll always be 'Mom', they aren't going to really understand the part of me who is 'Sarah' who is still learning right now what it means to be 'Mom', and who will probably still be learning then. They'll try to imagine Mom and Dad as young people with all their friends having the time of their lives in Jamaica for their wedding, but the people they see in those pictures will most likely seem like strangers to them, not possibly the same people they know today as their parents.
Many times, when I'm taking pictures of Kaleb I'm thinking of how these are his baby pictures. The fun shots I take of him on our vacation to Sleeping Bear Dunes will be accessories to the stories I tell him in years to come about the time it was only him, no siblings, and we all went on an adventure together. I already think about how I will be visibly pregnant in all the pictures of his 2nd birthday party this year. And how I will show those pictures to this baby and we'll talk about how this baby was here with us for that party.
I wonder if other people think like this or if it is just me and my romanticized imagination.
Thursday, September 15, 2011
Missing 'Bissy'
I just got the news that one of my favorite teachers at Kid's World, Miss Elizabeth, has put in her 2 week notice. This is such hard news to receive. I'm happy for her because she is pursuing a great opportunity. But I can't help it, I'm so sad for Kaleb. He loves this teacher, his face lights up every time we see her in the morning, he talks about her outside of day care. He calls her "Bissy". I hate the reality that after next Friday she is going to be gone from his life. I hate it so much that I'm crying. This has only happened with 2 other teachers since we started there, Miss Angie and Miss Diane. Other teachers have left, but there are just those few that you really really like and that you can tell your baby has bonded with. And now that bond is about to be broken, and that hurts my heart.
I know that this type of thing is usually much harder on the parent than on the child. Kaleb is so resilient, he will move on and probably not really suffer much at all. He still has Miss Megan, his primary teacher, and I know he loves her very much, and I'm a huge fan of her too.
It is a hard thing to accept, the loss of an important influence in your child's life. I get it that this is inherent to day care, the teachers move on and you know going into it that this will happen. And it isn't just day care, it happens with all child care situations. I remember when I left my nanny position before starting at Farmers. I am now seeing what it must have been like for that mom. So hard. So sad.
Best wishes, Bissy, we miss you already!
I know that this type of thing is usually much harder on the parent than on the child. Kaleb is so resilient, he will move on and probably not really suffer much at all. He still has Miss Megan, his primary teacher, and I know he loves her very much, and I'm a huge fan of her too.
It is a hard thing to accept, the loss of an important influence in your child's life. I get it that this is inherent to day care, the teachers move on and you know going into it that this will happen. And it isn't just day care, it happens with all child care situations. I remember when I left my nanny position before starting at Farmers. I am now seeing what it must have been like for that mom. So hard. So sad.
Best wishes, Bissy, we miss you already!
Saturday, September 10, 2011
It can't be...can it?!
I'm trying to get dressed to go furniture shopping and then down to Hispanic Festival. I have gone through at least 5 outfits, all weekend go-to's that were just fine last weekend. In every of the outfits I try on, I look pregnant. How is that possible? I'm 8.5 weeks, that's only 2 months. With Kaleb I wasn't showing until 5 months, at the earliest. I went through the "maybe I'm just having a fat day" already, but the part of my stomach that is sticking out is hard to the touch, not mushy. Also, I got on the scale and I haven't gained a pound, which I would think lends credence to the "it's not a food baby" theory. I'm not gassy and have been plenty regular so I doubt it is that.
This seems crazy, so I googled it (my solution to everything!) and found a number of baby sites with second time around pregnant ladies saying the same thing. There are a lot of women out there reporting "popping" or starting to show around 8 or 9 weeks. I knew to expect to show a bit earlier the second time around, but I thought that meant a month early, not 3 months early!
All my other symptoms are tracking in line with my first pregnancy, but the symptom that is going to be really tough to play off as something else seems to have arrived a few months ahead of schedule. This isn't the "thickening of the waist line that may have your clothes feeling snug" that the baby book talks about. My clothes still fit exactly the same. I'm not deluded, I just tried on a pair of freshly washed jeans that fit last weekend, and they still fit, and fit the same way.
I know what you're thinking, I'm rolling my eyes too at the pregnant chick grasping at straws for why my stomach is sticking out so much right now. I still need to make it 4 weeks before we are planning to announce. Come on cooler weather and big sweaters! Or, come on tomorrow morning when everything looks normal again and this extended stomach is back to it's normal amount of sticking outedness!
This seems crazy, so I googled it (my solution to everything!) and found a number of baby sites with second time around pregnant ladies saying the same thing. There are a lot of women out there reporting "popping" or starting to show around 8 or 9 weeks. I knew to expect to show a bit earlier the second time around, but I thought that meant a month early, not 3 months early!
All my other symptoms are tracking in line with my first pregnancy, but the symptom that is going to be really tough to play off as something else seems to have arrived a few months ahead of schedule. This isn't the "thickening of the waist line that may have your clothes feeling snug" that the baby book talks about. My clothes still fit exactly the same. I'm not deluded, I just tried on a pair of freshly washed jeans that fit last weekend, and they still fit, and fit the same way.
I know what you're thinking, I'm rolling my eyes too at the pregnant chick grasping at straws for why my stomach is sticking out so much right now. I still need to make it 4 weeks before we are planning to announce. Come on cooler weather and big sweaters! Or, come on tomorrow morning when everything looks normal again and this extended stomach is back to it's normal amount of sticking outedness!
Thursday, September 8, 2011
Just not feelin' it this week
It's been over a week since I last wrote here, not for lack of stuff to share, just haven't been in a "bloggy" mood I guess. I've been caught off guard a couple times this past week with a minor case of pregnancy bitchiness. Haven't actually snapped or lashed out at anyone (at least not that I noticed, maybe I did and the person just rolled his/her eyes behind my back?). Anyway. I'll be sitting at my desk and just be generally annoyed with the world, every little thing getting on my nerves in a way that doesn't typically happen. I forgot that pregnancy hormones can do this to you. This has most likely contributed to the general feeling of 'blah' I've had towards most things this week.
Kaleb continues to amaze me with his rapidly developing communication skills. He's stringing together 4-6 word sentences now. Not completely effortlessly, it usually takes him a few tries with all 4 or 6 words before he gets them in the right order, but it is still wild to hear him talking like this! At day care this month each of the kids in Kaleb's class has a goal, they are posted just inside the door to his classroom. I expected Kaleb's to be something like "use a big boy cup" or "help clean up toys". When I saw that his goal is "put on shoes and socks" it took me by surprise. How can he already be old enough for that to be a reasonable goal?! I trust his teachers, they know what he is capable of, and I love that they are pushing him, I just can't believe my baby boy is already old enough to be learning to dress himself!
I'm 8 weeks pregnant as of yesterday. In the past week 2 friends have announced their own pregnancies, one on facebook and one in person to me. It has been really tough both times not to burst out with "ME TOO!!" but I've controlled myself. Only 4 more weeks until it is my turn to for a big reveal :)
Kaleb continues to amaze me with his rapidly developing communication skills. He's stringing together 4-6 word sentences now. Not completely effortlessly, it usually takes him a few tries with all 4 or 6 words before he gets them in the right order, but it is still wild to hear him talking like this! At day care this month each of the kids in Kaleb's class has a goal, they are posted just inside the door to his classroom. I expected Kaleb's to be something like "use a big boy cup" or "help clean up toys". When I saw that his goal is "put on shoes and socks" it took me by surprise. How can he already be old enough for that to be a reasonable goal?! I trust his teachers, they know what he is capable of, and I love that they are pushing him, I just can't believe my baby boy is already old enough to be learning to dress himself!
I'm 8 weeks pregnant as of yesterday. In the past week 2 friends have announced their own pregnancies, one on facebook and one in person to me. It has been really tough both times not to burst out with "ME TOO!!" but I've controlled myself. Only 4 more weeks until it is my turn to for a big reveal :)
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Get it together, Remsburg!
7 weeks today! I went to have my first lab work appointment this morning, and it went a lot faster than I remember it going last time. Maybe I had more questions last time, maybe it seemed longer last time because I was so focused on it. Today I was more focued on...well, I couldn't tell you. Typical!
I'm finding one difference this time around is that eating the right foods is seemingly easier. I know, only 7 weeks in so no high-fives just yet. But, when I was pregnant with Kaleb he was still an abstract idea. I knew, intellectually, that what I ate he also ate, but I didn't have any idea what it really meant to feed your own baby. Now, when I eat, I imagine Kaleb eating that same thing, and if I wouldn't feed it to him I don't feed it to his baby sibling either. It is so much easier to envision this tiny baby as a real person, now that I've been through this before and have met and bonded with the outcome :)
I went the other day to tour a new day care, one that would be a lot closer to home for us. No decisions yet, just had a slow day at work so thought I'd get that taken care of (yes. I handle family business during work hours, but I also handle work business during family hours, so everyone just calm down).
On the way to the day care I started getting emotional thinking about all the changes Kaleb is going to be put through with this new baby. And I felt bad that he is going to have to share his mommy, because I worry that he isn't going to understand that. So I was thinking of ways I could make sure he understands that I still love him just as much, maybe have Daddy take care of the new baby more so I can spend time with Kaleb, go on special outings just Kaleb and Mommy, etc.
Then I started to feel bad for the new baby, because this baby won't get the undivided attention that Kaleb got as a newborn. All those ideas of spending special time with Kaleb involved me not spending that time with the baby. I worried that my bond to this baby can't possibly be as strong as my bond with Kaleb, not if I have to split myself between keeping Kaleb from missing Mommy and developing a strong bond with a new baby. Oy!
At one point I was seriously breathing shallow and getting panicky over this. So, I slapped myeslf (figuratively) and told myself to get it together. This Mother's Guilt stuff is so intense and I can not let myself get sucked down into it. I have too many other things to juggle!
I've heard and read that a mother's love just doubles when another child comes, it isn't a fixed pie that when it's gone it's gone. I hope it is more like a ground spring that just always keeps producing more and more.
I'm finding one difference this time around is that eating the right foods is seemingly easier. I know, only 7 weeks in so no high-fives just yet. But, when I was pregnant with Kaleb he was still an abstract idea. I knew, intellectually, that what I ate he also ate, but I didn't have any idea what it really meant to feed your own baby. Now, when I eat, I imagine Kaleb eating that same thing, and if I wouldn't feed it to him I don't feed it to his baby sibling either. It is so much easier to envision this tiny baby as a real person, now that I've been through this before and have met and bonded with the outcome :)
I went the other day to tour a new day care, one that would be a lot closer to home for us. No decisions yet, just had a slow day at work so thought I'd get that taken care of (yes. I handle family business during work hours, but I also handle work business during family hours, so everyone just calm down).
On the way to the day care I started getting emotional thinking about all the changes Kaleb is going to be put through with this new baby. And I felt bad that he is going to have to share his mommy, because I worry that he isn't going to understand that. So I was thinking of ways I could make sure he understands that I still love him just as much, maybe have Daddy take care of the new baby more so I can spend time with Kaleb, go on special outings just Kaleb and Mommy, etc.
Then I started to feel bad for the new baby, because this baby won't get the undivided attention that Kaleb got as a newborn. All those ideas of spending special time with Kaleb involved me not spending that time with the baby. I worried that my bond to this baby can't possibly be as strong as my bond with Kaleb, not if I have to split myself between keeping Kaleb from missing Mommy and developing a strong bond with a new baby. Oy!
At one point I was seriously breathing shallow and getting panicky over this. So, I slapped myeslf (figuratively) and told myself to get it together. This Mother's Guilt stuff is so intense and I can not let myself get sucked down into it. I have too many other things to juggle!
I've heard and read that a mother's love just doubles when another child comes, it isn't a fixed pie that when it's gone it's gone. I hope it is more like a ground spring that just always keeps producing more and more.
Monday, August 29, 2011
Not just an accessory anymore!
Kaleb is growing up so fast, and I feel like we are in somewhat of a transitional period right now. I guess all of toddlerhood, and life for that matter, is technically a transitional period. Anyway, lately I've been regularly struck by the realization that Kaleb is a person. I mean, I get that he is a human and all that, but he is an actual individual person who processes information and thoughts and has opinions on things, including me.
He copies me, or wants to copy me, on almost everything I do. His big thing right now is "I do it!" for everything from getting dressed to assembling his meals. Maybe I'm the one in the transitional period, because those flashes where I see him as a "kid" and not my "baby" anymore, those moments leave me somewhat breathless and kinda freaked out. When he was a newborn, infant, and baby, he needed me for everything and he was honestly more of an accessory, toy, and responsibility than anything else, an extension of myself. Lately I've been seeing him as a separate entity, and that is both fascinating and terrifying. In the book I'm reading (The Emotional Life of the Toddler by A. Lieberman) there is the following text on the idea of babies becoming toddlers:
As babies become toddlers and begin to assert their need to build an autonomous sphere of action, parents learn to face their own limitations in nurturing and protecting their child. The fantasy that the parent's physical and emotional presence is enough to keep the child safe and content gives way to the realization that there are disappointments, challenges, and even dangers that we are helpless to wish away Yes. Indeed. This is perfect summation of what I'm feeling right now.
He talks so much now, it is really amazing. This morning I heard him in his crib, practicing his talking. He was trying to ultimately say "I, Kaleb, have an owie" (he doesn't actually have one but he is fascinated by owie's on his body or anyone else's right now). His attempts came out as "Keebie owie" and "I have, Keebie, owie, have" and all different variations. When he finally got it down, he then proceeded to yell it, not in anger or pain, you could hear the pride and excitement in his voice that he got that sentence down. It made me stop and wonder what his thoughts sound like in his own head, just how advanced is his internal monologue at this point?
I've renewed my resolve to let him, and encourage him, to experiment with more tasks on his own. Last night he made his own dinner, mini pizza on whole wheat bagels with sauce (I bought the squeeze kind so he can do it himself), chopped bell peppers, and shredded cheese. I got the stuff out, pulled chair up to the counter for him, then guided him through the steps, but he did it all by himself. He was SO excited about those pizzas!
Kaleb is the most fascinating, exciting, and amazing part of my life right now by far. I am so blessed to get to watch this awesome little guy grow up!
He copies me, or wants to copy me, on almost everything I do. His big thing right now is "I do it!" for everything from getting dressed to assembling his meals. Maybe I'm the one in the transitional period, because those flashes where I see him as a "kid" and not my "baby" anymore, those moments leave me somewhat breathless and kinda freaked out. When he was a newborn, infant, and baby, he needed me for everything and he was honestly more of an accessory, toy, and responsibility than anything else, an extension of myself. Lately I've been seeing him as a separate entity, and that is both fascinating and terrifying. In the book I'm reading (The Emotional Life of the Toddler by A. Lieberman) there is the following text on the idea of babies becoming toddlers:
As babies become toddlers and begin to assert their need to build an autonomous sphere of action, parents learn to face their own limitations in nurturing and protecting their child. The fantasy that the parent's physical and emotional presence is enough to keep the child safe and content gives way to the realization that there are disappointments, challenges, and even dangers that we are helpless to wish away Yes. Indeed. This is perfect summation of what I'm feeling right now.
He talks so much now, it is really amazing. This morning I heard him in his crib, practicing his talking. He was trying to ultimately say "I, Kaleb, have an owie" (he doesn't actually have one but he is fascinated by owie's on his body or anyone else's right now). His attempts came out as "Keebie owie" and "I have, Keebie, owie, have" and all different variations. When he finally got it down, he then proceeded to yell it, not in anger or pain, you could hear the pride and excitement in his voice that he got that sentence down. It made me stop and wonder what his thoughts sound like in his own head, just how advanced is his internal monologue at this point?
I've renewed my resolve to let him, and encourage him, to experiment with more tasks on his own. Last night he made his own dinner, mini pizza on whole wheat bagels with sauce (I bought the squeeze kind so he can do it himself), chopped bell peppers, and shredded cheese. I got the stuff out, pulled chair up to the counter for him, then guided him through the steps, but he did it all by himself. He was SO excited about those pizzas!
Kaleb is the most fascinating, exciting, and amazing part of my life right now by far. I am so blessed to get to watch this awesome little guy grow up!
Saturday, August 27, 2011
Sleeping Bear Dunes
We had a great time on our mini-vacation this past week! Because I'm feeling lazy today I'm just going to paste in the text from the email I sent my mom with all the details on our trip:
We are keeping ridiculously busy over here! We just got home from a 5 day weekend trip up to Sleeping Bear Dunes, it was pretty cool when the Good Morning America thing came out rating that as the most beautiful place in the country. I think that was announced just a day or two before we left. We took a motor home this time and Kaleb could not stop talking about the "big kwuh!" (aka, big truck), he was completely enamored with it and spent a ton of his time climbing up and down the steps that go into the motor home.
We had a great time touring the area, our campsite was adjacent to a small airport, more like landing strip, so we got to see some small planes land and take off, Kaleb thought that was really cool! We drove the Leelenau Peninsula and stopped at the state park on the very tip, then stopped in Leland on the way back down and did some shopping. Kaleb picked out this little plastic jug filled with pure maple syrup, it is the perfect size for him to be able to pour it all by himself...which fits nicely with the "I DO IT" theme we are rocking these days. I know, I totally had this coming from my own "SELF!" phase ;)
We also rented a pontoon boat on Glen Lake, which is a sandbar lake so there are really shallow spots all through it, perfect for Kaleb to be able to get off the boat and wade around in. Kaleb helped to drive the boat and kept wanting to go faster and faster. Yes. I know. he's my kid through and through! On the last day of our trip (tuesday) we went and toured Sleeping Bear Dunes. It was my first time there and GMA was right, it is gorgeous! It was somewhat challenging to really take in the scenery, what with trying to prevent a curious and active toddler from plummeting off a dune or down a ravine, but I still managed to see plenty of beauty. Kaleb loved playing in the sand. I sent everyone else up ahead on the hike and Kaleb and I just went at his pace, which means we stopped every 1.5 feet to explore something. I loved it, seeing him discover creation, so it doesn't bother me to go at a snails pace. actually, i think a family of snails flew by us at one point, but all the same, Kaleb's cognitive development fascinates me and I'm content to watch him explore whatever it is he finds interesting in any moment.
We got home Wednesday afternoon and it was back to work and day care Thursday. Kyle's grandma Mary is in town (Frank's mom) through this Sunday morning so they wanted to get some Kaleb time while she was here. They went and picked him up from day care at 3 today and brought him to their house, Kyle and I met them there when we got out of work. So we were able to have dinner together and now Kaleb is spending the night there so Mary can have some more time with him tomorrow morning. We'll go pick him up late morning and then we are headed down to Gun Lake. You may remember our friend, Davey, Nick's nephew. He is enlisting in the Marines and is home this week from Colorado so we are going down to a cookout his family is throwing in his honor tomorrow.
That's the end of the email text. I haven't yet told my parents about this pregnancy so I didn't include anything about how I spent the trip between two extreme thought patterns. One being: I can't WAIT to have another little one running around with us! The other being: How in the world am I going to handle having another little one to take care of?! This pregnancy is starting to sink in a little more, but I'm still kind of reeling from it happening so soon. I only have 34 more weeks to prepare for another baby! With my first pregnancy that would have seemed like an eternity, with this one it is already making me sweat a bit.
We are keeping ridiculously busy over here! We just got home from a 5 day weekend trip up to Sleeping Bear Dunes, it was pretty cool when the Good Morning America thing came out rating that as the most beautiful place in the country. I think that was announced just a day or two before we left. We took a motor home this time and Kaleb could not stop talking about the "big kwuh!" (aka, big truck), he was completely enamored with it and spent a ton of his time climbing up and down the steps that go into the motor home.
We had a great time touring the area, our campsite was adjacent to a small airport, more like landing strip, so we got to see some small planes land and take off, Kaleb thought that was really cool! We drove the Leelenau Peninsula and stopped at the state park on the very tip, then stopped in Leland on the way back down and did some shopping. Kaleb picked out this little plastic jug filled with pure maple syrup, it is the perfect size for him to be able to pour it all by himself...which fits nicely with the "I DO IT" theme we are rocking these days. I know, I totally had this coming from my own "SELF!" phase ;)
We also rented a pontoon boat on Glen Lake, which is a sandbar lake so there are really shallow spots all through it, perfect for Kaleb to be able to get off the boat and wade around in. Kaleb helped to drive the boat and kept wanting to go faster and faster. Yes. I know. he's my kid through and through! On the last day of our trip (tuesday) we went and toured Sleeping Bear Dunes. It was my first time there and GMA was right, it is gorgeous! It was somewhat challenging to really take in the scenery, what with trying to prevent a curious and active toddler from plummeting off a dune or down a ravine, but I still managed to see plenty of beauty. Kaleb loved playing in the sand. I sent everyone else up ahead on the hike and Kaleb and I just went at his pace, which means we stopped every 1.5 feet to explore something. I loved it, seeing him discover creation, so it doesn't bother me to go at a snails pace. actually, i think a family of snails flew by us at one point, but all the same, Kaleb's cognitive development fascinates me and I'm content to watch him explore whatever it is he finds interesting in any moment.
We got home Wednesday afternoon and it was back to work and day care Thursday. Kyle's grandma Mary is in town (Frank's mom) through this Sunday morning so they wanted to get some Kaleb time while she was here. They went and picked him up from day care at 3 today and brought him to their house, Kyle and I met them there when we got out of work. So we were able to have dinner together and now Kaleb is spending the night there so Mary can have some more time with him tomorrow morning. We'll go pick him up late morning and then we are headed down to Gun Lake. You may remember our friend, Davey, Nick's nephew. He is enlisting in the Marines and is home this week from Colorado so we are going down to a cookout his family is throwing in his honor tomorrow.
That's the end of the email text. I haven't yet told my parents about this pregnancy so I didn't include anything about how I spent the trip between two extreme thought patterns. One being: I can't WAIT to have another little one running around with us! The other being: How in the world am I going to handle having another little one to take care of?! This pregnancy is starting to sink in a little more, but I'm still kind of reeling from it happening so soon. I only have 34 more weeks to prepare for another baby! With my first pregnancy that would have seemed like an eternity, with this one it is already making me sweat a bit.
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
5 weeks and still pregnant :)
I took a test this morning and, yup, still pregnant. Hard to believe I'm 5 weeks pregnant. I finally called the doctor today and have my first appointment scheduled for next Thursday. It was tough to find time because I can't call from my desk (since I am keeping this a secret for now and I work around a lot of people) so I had to remember, then find a conference room. The reason I made it work today was actually because I needed a copy of Kaleb's immunization records for day care. So I got that taken care of then said "And, I'm 5 weeks pregnant so I'm thinking I'll need to schedule an appointment"
I'm sorry, sweet little new baby, I do love you and I will make time for you and make you a priority in our lives. We're just so busy and you aren't really giving me any reminders that you are here yet so it's easy for me to keep my focus on your big brother, who is plenty demanding! I wonder if you are going to be my easy going little one, or if you will be as big a personality as your big brother is? I'm really excited to find out!
I've started thinking about fun ways to officially announce this pregnancy. I know I still have about 7 weeks, but it's fun to think about.
Something that is not so fun to think about, next week's appointment. I'm 35 pounds heavier today than I was before my first pregnancy, and I know I'll get a talking to from the nurse. I have lost 9 pounds in the past month and a half, thanks to food journaling and strict calorie control combined with cutting (almost) all junk out. I had made my peace with my body, decided to focus on healthy nutrition instead of weight loss, and was feeling okay. But, with the back issues my core muscles aren't holding my abs in as well so my front is way more pooched out. Combine that with the bloating and indigestion issues of early pregnancy, well I'm just feeling and looking like a complete hot mess lately. To keep pressure off my lower back I have to stand in a way that makes it challenging to keep my core muscles engaged...aka my stomach pulled in and up. Mirrors are not my friend right now, I'm ready for my back to stop being an issue so I can get my posture back!
You're worth it all, sweet little one! Stay put for me and I'll make sure you get the best nutrition available to help you grow strong.
I'm sorry, sweet little new baby, I do love you and I will make time for you and make you a priority in our lives. We're just so busy and you aren't really giving me any reminders that you are here yet so it's easy for me to keep my focus on your big brother, who is plenty demanding! I wonder if you are going to be my easy going little one, or if you will be as big a personality as your big brother is? I'm really excited to find out!
I've started thinking about fun ways to officially announce this pregnancy. I know I still have about 7 weeks, but it's fun to think about.
Something that is not so fun to think about, next week's appointment. I'm 35 pounds heavier today than I was before my first pregnancy, and I know I'll get a talking to from the nurse. I have lost 9 pounds in the past month and a half, thanks to food journaling and strict calorie control combined with cutting (almost) all junk out. I had made my peace with my body, decided to focus on healthy nutrition instead of weight loss, and was feeling okay. But, with the back issues my core muscles aren't holding my abs in as well so my front is way more pooched out. Combine that with the bloating and indigestion issues of early pregnancy, well I'm just feeling and looking like a complete hot mess lately. To keep pressure off my lower back I have to stand in a way that makes it challenging to keep my core muscles engaged...aka my stomach pulled in and up. Mirrors are not my friend right now, I'm ready for my back to stop being an issue so I can get my posture back!
You're worth it all, sweet little one! Stay put for me and I'll make sure you get the best nutrition available to help you grow strong.
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Head case
Here's a glimpse at today, and the polar opposites that my world (mother and professional) can sometimes hold for me:
5:20 AM - alarm goes off. groan. i'm tired, been up peeing all damn night long, can't take normal unisom to help me fall asleep and stay that way because of the pregnancy. stupid alarm clock. must wake up early because it is a training day and i've got be polished, shined, pressed, smiling, calm, and ready to turn my full "Welcome to the greatest company ever!" face on by 7:30.
5:24 AM - curse stupid alarm, get out of bed, pee again, make coffee, hit the shower.
5:45 AM - decide to skip packing lunch today, my own little "take THAT!" to the universe, pack healthy snacks and figure I'll buy something responsible for lunch
6:00 AM - blow dry hair, suffer hormonal heat flash, grin and bear it, curl hair, mop sweat off face, watch hair fall flat while applying makeup in attempt to hide how tired I am
6:20 AM - let dogs out, feed them, put them outside, let them back in, put them outside, then ignore them
6:30 AM - round up lunch, shoes, outfit, water, diapers for day care, sippy cup of juice, sippy cup of milk, diaper bag, cell phone, nook, purse and take all items to the car
6:35 AM - go in Kaleb's room and discover a blow out diaper that has covered him and his crib bedding. crap. literally. pull Kaleb out of poop, change him, wipe him clean, start sweating again, toss soiled pj's in laundry, feel guilty but not enough time to start laundry now so the sheets will just have to sit, remain calm and collected so Kaleb doesn't get stressed and cranky, dress Kaleb, sing songs to help mask stress, tell Kaleb it's time to go find Daddy
6:45 AM - wake up Kyle, kisses good bye, load Kaleb in the car and drive to day care, comment on every bus and truck, talk about what he will do with his friends at day care that day, mentally rehearse my messages for training
7:15 AM - drop off at day care, kiss Kaleb good bye, fill in teacher on blow out diaper, remind teacher to keep diaper rash cream on current diaper rash, kisses again and out the door
7:30 AM - arrive at work, deep breath, makeup check, lip gloss on, deep breath, and show time!
8:00 AM - training starts, happy smiles for all, so hungry but no time for breakfast until first break, keep smiling, set example for new hires
9:15 AM - first break, check phone see voicemail from 7:56 am, panic that Kaleb is sick, find out I took Kyle's key and clearly now it is too late to bring it to him, call him and say "it's a great day for a motorcycle ride!" only half joking
9:25 AM - eat oatmeal, three bites in and I'm nauseous, keep eating anyway cuz baby needs nutrition and I need food so I can take pre-natal
10:00 AM - take the stage for training, remember poop sheets on the way to the front of the room, must keep a straight face and professional demeanor, deliver training content for over an hour
11:30 AM - email from Kyle asking if I can arrange for Joe to go to the kennel while we are on vacation, ignore the email for now because there is nothing I can do about it until tomorrow at the earliest
11:48 AM - get text message from brother in law, he has our shampoo and conditioner from Kerry's salon that I ordered yesterday, where am I so he can bring it to me (he also works at Farmers) respond that I'm in training, can he leave it with the receptionist, he says sure. We've been out of our normal shampoo for a week, I keep forgetting to order more from Kerry, so my hair looks like crap!
12:00 PM - lunch. buy a cheeseburger. fail. tell friend that if I do that again she needs to call me out, vow not to skip packing lunch again. Stop at receptionist let her know someone is dropping off a package for me.
12:58 PM - remember I was supposed to call doctor during lunch, I still haven't told him I'm pregnant...it's been a week! Too late now, it will have to wait until tomorrow. Also remember poop sheets and realize I didn't check Kaleb's ears, what if there is poop in his ears?! what the hell kind of mother am I? put it aside, nothing I can do about it right now, time to train again!
2:32 PM - in front of room of new hires, delivering on-boarding welcome day, start to wonder if Kaleb is sick and that is why the blow out, need to remember to ask doctor about that when I call him tomorrow. Remember I'm pregnant, get silly smile, try to hide it, end up working the smile into my message somehow
4:33 PM - remember my shampoo and conditioner at front desk, sneak out during activity to go get it, hide it in back of room so as not to compromise professional image I spent all day trying to establish
5:00 PM - training wraps for the day, collect feedback, clean up room, leave just in time to get Kaleb from day care.
5:35 PM - arrive at day care 5 minutes late, apologize to teacher, hear Kaleb had a good day, he had "nice hands" but didn't have very good "listening ears" feel relief at no incident report, get fund raiser cookie dough order, mistakenly call the box "cookies" now Kaleb wants to open it and eat them. oops. drive home
5:40 PM - drive home with conversation as follows: Kaleb - "Daddy, home?" Me - "Yes, Daddy will be home when we get there" Kaleb - "Eddie, home?" Me - "Yes, Eddie is at his own house" Kaleb - "Brent, home?" Me - "Yes, Brent is at his own house" Kaleb - "Daddy, home" and on and on and onnnnnnn. all the way home
6:05 PM - arrive home, Kyle still isn't home, carry purse, lunch box, diaper bag, water bottle, shoes, shampoo and conditioner, 2 boxes of cookie dough, two blankies, one stuffed monkey, and a toddler into the house with spastic lower back muscles threatening to bring me to my knees
6:15 PM - set Kaleb up with banana and cottage cheese, foods he can feed himself, rush to get poop bedding, pj's, blankies, boppy cover (also got poop on it and Kaleb uses it as a pillow) and crib blanket in washing machine so there is time to wash and dry before bedtime. Entire time I'm downstairs I am envisioning Kaleb choking or falling out of his high chair. Rush back upstairs to see my sunshine boy with banana mashed happily in his fist "I did it self, Mommy!" heart melts, Kyle gets home and I ask him to help me by making sure laundry gets switched to dryer as soon as washer is done
6:35 PM - clean up mess from Kaleb's dinner, snuggle and watch Elmo's World, Kyle switches laundry, I check the clock and worry that the blankies won't dry in time for bed, we can't do bedtime without blankies, try to decide if we need to push bath time back
6:59 PM - Kyle takes Kaleb for his bath (on time), round up milk, check on bedding and discover blankies dry really fast! whew! gather stuffed monkey, put clean sheets on bed, put clean back up boppy cover on boppy pillow, rearrange bed with all necessary components, find other blanket since crib blanket is still damp, get clean sleeper laid out, put away Kaleb's laundry that has been clean and sitting on the couch for 2 days, sit down for 5 minutes to rest my back which is screaming by now
7:30 PM - cheer Kaleb on while he brushes his teeth, take him from Kyle after bath, sing bedtime song, put on diaper and wrestle to get diaper rash cream on (the rash hurts and he hates me touching it!), put on sleeper legs and sleeves and then let him zip it himself (takes three times as long but he insists) gather up blankies, paci, and stuffed monkey, snuggle in glider in nursery and read 2 bedtime stories (Clifford and Where the Wild Things Are for tonight) say bedtime prayers, drink bedtime milk, tell him I love him over and over, steal 5 more kisses, tell him I love him again, lay him in his crib, cover him with his blanket and leave the room.
8:15 PM - figure out with Kyle what we want for dinner, start this blog post and tell him I'll make it in just a minute
8:35 PM - still posting, Kyle gets sick of waiting and is now in kitchen making dinner...I'm not complaining!
Long post, but it definitely captures a typical day in my life. I can't even imagine having another kid in the mix!
5:20 AM - alarm goes off. groan. i'm tired, been up peeing all damn night long, can't take normal unisom to help me fall asleep and stay that way because of the pregnancy. stupid alarm clock. must wake up early because it is a training day and i've got be polished, shined, pressed, smiling, calm, and ready to turn my full "Welcome to the greatest company ever!" face on by 7:30.
5:24 AM - curse stupid alarm, get out of bed, pee again, make coffee, hit the shower.
5:45 AM - decide to skip packing lunch today, my own little "take THAT!" to the universe, pack healthy snacks and figure I'll buy something responsible for lunch
6:00 AM - blow dry hair, suffer hormonal heat flash, grin and bear it, curl hair, mop sweat off face, watch hair fall flat while applying makeup in attempt to hide how tired I am
6:20 AM - let dogs out, feed them, put them outside, let them back in, put them outside, then ignore them
6:30 AM - round up lunch, shoes, outfit, water, diapers for day care, sippy cup of juice, sippy cup of milk, diaper bag, cell phone, nook, purse and take all items to the car
6:35 AM - go in Kaleb's room and discover a blow out diaper that has covered him and his crib bedding. crap. literally. pull Kaleb out of poop, change him, wipe him clean, start sweating again, toss soiled pj's in laundry, feel guilty but not enough time to start laundry now so the sheets will just have to sit, remain calm and collected so Kaleb doesn't get stressed and cranky, dress Kaleb, sing songs to help mask stress, tell Kaleb it's time to go find Daddy
6:45 AM - wake up Kyle, kisses good bye, load Kaleb in the car and drive to day care, comment on every bus and truck, talk about what he will do with his friends at day care that day, mentally rehearse my messages for training
7:15 AM - drop off at day care, kiss Kaleb good bye, fill in teacher on blow out diaper, remind teacher to keep diaper rash cream on current diaper rash, kisses again and out the door
7:30 AM - arrive at work, deep breath, makeup check, lip gloss on, deep breath, and show time!
8:00 AM - training starts, happy smiles for all, so hungry but no time for breakfast until first break, keep smiling, set example for new hires
9:15 AM - first break, check phone see voicemail from 7:56 am, panic that Kaleb is sick, find out I took Kyle's key and clearly now it is too late to bring it to him, call him and say "it's a great day for a motorcycle ride!" only half joking
9:25 AM - eat oatmeal, three bites in and I'm nauseous, keep eating anyway cuz baby needs nutrition and I need food so I can take pre-natal
10:00 AM - take the stage for training, remember poop sheets on the way to the front of the room, must keep a straight face and professional demeanor, deliver training content for over an hour
11:30 AM - email from Kyle asking if I can arrange for Joe to go to the kennel while we are on vacation, ignore the email for now because there is nothing I can do about it until tomorrow at the earliest
11:48 AM - get text message from brother in law, he has our shampoo and conditioner from Kerry's salon that I ordered yesterday, where am I so he can bring it to me (he also works at Farmers) respond that I'm in training, can he leave it with the receptionist, he says sure. We've been out of our normal shampoo for a week, I keep forgetting to order more from Kerry, so my hair looks like crap!
12:00 PM - lunch. buy a cheeseburger. fail. tell friend that if I do that again she needs to call me out, vow not to skip packing lunch again. Stop at receptionist let her know someone is dropping off a package for me.
12:58 PM - remember I was supposed to call doctor during lunch, I still haven't told him I'm pregnant...it's been a week! Too late now, it will have to wait until tomorrow. Also remember poop sheets and realize I didn't check Kaleb's ears, what if there is poop in his ears?! what the hell kind of mother am I? put it aside, nothing I can do about it right now, time to train again!
2:32 PM - in front of room of new hires, delivering on-boarding welcome day, start to wonder if Kaleb is sick and that is why the blow out, need to remember to ask doctor about that when I call him tomorrow. Remember I'm pregnant, get silly smile, try to hide it, end up working the smile into my message somehow
4:33 PM - remember my shampoo and conditioner at front desk, sneak out during activity to go get it, hide it in back of room so as not to compromise professional image I spent all day trying to establish
5:00 PM - training wraps for the day, collect feedback, clean up room, leave just in time to get Kaleb from day care.
5:35 PM - arrive at day care 5 minutes late, apologize to teacher, hear Kaleb had a good day, he had "nice hands" but didn't have very good "listening ears" feel relief at no incident report, get fund raiser cookie dough order, mistakenly call the box "cookies" now Kaleb wants to open it and eat them. oops. drive home
5:40 PM - drive home with conversation as follows: Kaleb - "Daddy, home?" Me - "Yes, Daddy will be home when we get there" Kaleb - "Eddie, home?" Me - "Yes, Eddie is at his own house" Kaleb - "Brent, home?" Me - "Yes, Brent is at his own house" Kaleb - "Daddy, home" and on and on and onnnnnnn. all the way home
6:05 PM - arrive home, Kyle still isn't home, carry purse, lunch box, diaper bag, water bottle, shoes, shampoo and conditioner, 2 boxes of cookie dough, two blankies, one stuffed monkey, and a toddler into the house with spastic lower back muscles threatening to bring me to my knees
6:15 PM - set Kaleb up with banana and cottage cheese, foods he can feed himself, rush to get poop bedding, pj's, blankies, boppy cover (also got poop on it and Kaleb uses it as a pillow) and crib blanket in washing machine so there is time to wash and dry before bedtime. Entire time I'm downstairs I am envisioning Kaleb choking or falling out of his high chair. Rush back upstairs to see my sunshine boy with banana mashed happily in his fist "I did it self, Mommy!" heart melts, Kyle gets home and I ask him to help me by making sure laundry gets switched to dryer as soon as washer is done
6:35 PM - clean up mess from Kaleb's dinner, snuggle and watch Elmo's World, Kyle switches laundry, I check the clock and worry that the blankies won't dry in time for bed, we can't do bedtime without blankies, try to decide if we need to push bath time back
6:59 PM - Kyle takes Kaleb for his bath (on time), round up milk, check on bedding and discover blankies dry really fast! whew! gather stuffed monkey, put clean sheets on bed, put clean back up boppy cover on boppy pillow, rearrange bed with all necessary components, find other blanket since crib blanket is still damp, get clean sleeper laid out, put away Kaleb's laundry that has been clean and sitting on the couch for 2 days, sit down for 5 minutes to rest my back which is screaming by now
7:30 PM - cheer Kaleb on while he brushes his teeth, take him from Kyle after bath, sing bedtime song, put on diaper and wrestle to get diaper rash cream on (the rash hurts and he hates me touching it!), put on sleeper legs and sleeves and then let him zip it himself (takes three times as long but he insists) gather up blankies, paci, and stuffed monkey, snuggle in glider in nursery and read 2 bedtime stories (Clifford and Where the Wild Things Are for tonight) say bedtime prayers, drink bedtime milk, tell him I love him over and over, steal 5 more kisses, tell him I love him again, lay him in his crib, cover him with his blanket and leave the room.
8:15 PM - figure out with Kyle what we want for dinner, start this blog post and tell him I'll make it in just a minute
8:35 PM - still posting, Kyle gets sick of waiting and is now in kitchen making dinner...I'm not complaining!
Long post, but it definitely captures a typical day in my life. I can't even imagine having another kid in the mix!
Saturday, August 13, 2011
Berry bonding with one and quiet rest for another
After my last post I did some googling and read on a number of sites that it is normal to feel less 'consumed' with your second pregnancy than you did with your first. With my first I devoted so much mental and emotional energy to it, reading everything I could, learning about what to expect. Now I kind of know what to expect and I have another baby already taking up a lot of mental, emotional, and physical energy. So, I'm okay with not feeling as consumed by this pregnancy.
That said, I just had an afternoon snack of strawberries, pineapple, and blue berries. As I was eating a bite of blue berries I thought to myself "here you go, little one, use these to grow strong for Mommy." It was the first time I've 'talked to' this baby. It made things seem a lot more real, imagining a tiny baby growing stronger from the food I nourish it with.
The other purpose for this post is to capture how Kaleb will spend an hour or more in his crib once he wakes up, in the morning and after nap. He has been in his crib, awake, for an hour and fifteen minutes now. He just lays there, plays with is blanket, sticks his feet in and out of the crib slats, and looks around his room. This morning he was awake by 8:00 and I finally went in his room at 10:30. He hadn't called for me or made a sound, I just missed him and wanted him to get up and play with me.
I know this is a blessing and many mothers would love to have each nap and weekend morning padded by an hour or more. I think it might be that he just savors his down time after a busy week of day care, much like we enjoy sleeping in and being lazy on weekends. But I can't help but wonder if it means something else and if I should be worried. I know, that is a little far-fetched, but I think I'll do some googling just to put my mind at ease.
That said, I just had an afternoon snack of strawberries, pineapple, and blue berries. As I was eating a bite of blue berries I thought to myself "here you go, little one, use these to grow strong for Mommy." It was the first time I've 'talked to' this baby. It made things seem a lot more real, imagining a tiny baby growing stronger from the food I nourish it with.
The other purpose for this post is to capture how Kaleb will spend an hour or more in his crib once he wakes up, in the morning and after nap. He has been in his crib, awake, for an hour and fifteen minutes now. He just lays there, plays with is blanket, sticks his feet in and out of the crib slats, and looks around his room. This morning he was awake by 8:00 and I finally went in his room at 10:30. He hadn't called for me or made a sound, I just missed him and wanted him to get up and play with me.
I know this is a blessing and many mothers would love to have each nap and weekend morning padded by an hour or more. I think it might be that he just savors his down time after a busy week of day care, much like we enjoy sleeping in and being lazy on weekends. But I can't help but wonder if it means something else and if I should be worried. I know, that is a little far-fetched, but I think I'll do some googling just to put my mind at ease.
Friday, August 12, 2011
A walk down memory lane and a glimpse towards the future
I was messing around on facebook tonight and decided to go look at some newborn pics of Kaleb. I wound up watching all the videos I posted of Kaleb from his first year. He was (and still is) such a cute and expressive little baby!
I haven't really been hit yet by the fact that I'm pregnant, dare I say it almost seems too good to be true? It doesn't seem real that there is a teeny tiny little baby growing in there right now. When I found out I was pregnant with Kaleb, the thought completely consumed me. So far, this time it is more something I remember throughout the day, not something I have to try and stop thinking about so I can concentrate on other work. Maybe it has something to do with already having a toddler who occupies my mind. Maybe it is because we aren't announcing it right away this time like we did last time. I bet it will seem a lot more real once I can tell people I'm pregnant.
I don't necessarily feel indifferent to this pregnancy, I'm happy and excited when I think about it. But, I'm also a little more mellow and reserved this time. I kind of feel a need to insulate myself from too much baby daydreaming until I make it safely out of the first trimester.
It just all seems abstract right now, and with everything else in my life (toddler, husband, work, friends, summer schedules, etc) and I'm having a hard time actually imagining another baby, Kaleb's little sibling. That's what drove me to facebook, to look at newborn pics and videos of Kaleb. Rather than making this pregnancy seem more real it just made me nostalgic for the times when Kaleb was so tiny.
I wonder if other moms go through this with the second child?
I haven't really been hit yet by the fact that I'm pregnant, dare I say it almost seems too good to be true? It doesn't seem real that there is a teeny tiny little baby growing in there right now. When I found out I was pregnant with Kaleb, the thought completely consumed me. So far, this time it is more something I remember throughout the day, not something I have to try and stop thinking about so I can concentrate on other work. Maybe it has something to do with already having a toddler who occupies my mind. Maybe it is because we aren't announcing it right away this time like we did last time. I bet it will seem a lot more real once I can tell people I'm pregnant.
I don't necessarily feel indifferent to this pregnancy, I'm happy and excited when I think about it. But, I'm also a little more mellow and reserved this time. I kind of feel a need to insulate myself from too much baby daydreaming until I make it safely out of the first trimester.
It just all seems abstract right now, and with everything else in my life (toddler, husband, work, friends, summer schedules, etc) and I'm having a hard time actually imagining another baby, Kaleb's little sibling. That's what drove me to facebook, to look at newborn pics and videos of Kaleb. Rather than making this pregnancy seem more real it just made me nostalgic for the times when Kaleb was so tiny.
I wonder if other moms go through this with the second child?
Thursday, August 11, 2011
If a butterfly flaps his wings in India...
...then I swear I catch a whiff of curry over here! Maybe a tad dramatic, but this pregnancy nose is serious business. I forgot how acute my sense of smell was last time around. When I walked into the house last night I just about puked from the smell emanating from the trash can. Kyle couldn't smell a thing, but remembered from the last pregnancy and just took out the trash without arguing. Looks like we're going to need more trash bags since we'll be only filling them about half way before banishing them. My thoughtful (or is it fearful?) husband also took the initiative to spray the inside of the can with lemon anti-bacterial and then dump baking soda into the bottom. I lit one of my good stink candles, so as a team we got through it.
Another symptom starting to show up is minor nausea, but nothing major yet. My back, I think, will be my biggest pregnancy tell if we decide to have more kids. I'm able to walk a little more upright but my legs still have to go basically straight forward and backward while I walk. This is not normal for me, I usually walk my feet in a pretty straight line, so people are still remarking on how I'm walking funny. I am facilitating a workshop yesterday and today so I'm wearing heels, because I'm vain like that. So I'm probably making it a little worse. After today I'll be back to flats and I'll nurse it heavily this weekend, so by Monday I hope to back to my old strut :)
As of yesterday, I am 4 weeks pregnant. That is so wild!
Another symptom starting to show up is minor nausea, but nothing major yet. My back, I think, will be my biggest pregnancy tell if we decide to have more kids. I'm able to walk a little more upright but my legs still have to go basically straight forward and backward while I walk. This is not normal for me, I usually walk my feet in a pretty straight line, so people are still remarking on how I'm walking funny. I am facilitating a workshop yesterday and today so I'm wearing heels, because I'm vain like that. So I'm probably making it a little worse. After today I'll be back to flats and I'll nurse it heavily this weekend, so by Monday I hope to back to my old strut :)
As of yesterday, I am 4 weeks pregnant. That is so wild!
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
OMG IT'S A BFP!!!!!!!!!!!
Yesterday's faint line wasn't a fluke. This morning's HPT had a definite second line there, zero mistaking it. I'M PREGNANT!!!!
I've been an emotional mess this morning. Whenever I think about the fact that there is a tiny little bean in there I get all choked up and start laughing. When I told Kyle this morning he said "really? for real!? that line is for sure, no chance of mistaking!?" :) yes honey, you can't be just a little bit pregnant, we are having another baby! And then he kissed me, and that just made this whole thing so much sweeter.
I talked to him about how there is still a chance we won't actually have another baby, we can still miscarry. I asked him to keep this under wraps, except for maybe one or two people he is close to at work, until we hit the 2nd trimester in October. But it was just so cute to see him excited! Of course, being Kyle, he had to throw in a "You're welcome! Look at me and my super sperm!" haha, that's right honey, we are 1 in 5 people who get pregnant the first month (I'm not counting June since we didn't have the right dates, I don't care if you don't agree with that, it's my pregnancy and I'm calling it pregnant on the first real try)
On his way out of the house this morning he said "Bye, preggo" YES! I'm pregnant!
Thank you, Jesus! Please keep your hands on my uterus and help this tiny little baby grow strong and healthy.
I've been an emotional mess this morning. Whenever I think about the fact that there is a tiny little bean in there I get all choked up and start laughing. When I told Kyle this morning he said "really? for real!? that line is for sure, no chance of mistaking!?" :) yes honey, you can't be just a little bit pregnant, we are having another baby! And then he kissed me, and that just made this whole thing so much sweeter.
I talked to him about how there is still a chance we won't actually have another baby, we can still miscarry. I asked him to keep this under wraps, except for maybe one or two people he is close to at work, until we hit the 2nd trimester in October. But it was just so cute to see him excited! Of course, being Kyle, he had to throw in a "You're welcome! Look at me and my super sperm!" haha, that's right honey, we are 1 in 5 people who get pregnant the first month (I'm not counting June since we didn't have the right dates, I don't care if you don't agree with that, it's my pregnancy and I'm calling it pregnant on the first real try)
On his way out of the house this morning he said "Bye, preggo" YES! I'm pregnant!
Thank you, Jesus! Please keep your hands on my uterus and help this tiny little baby grow strong and healthy.
Monday, August 8, 2011
Oh PLEASE don't be a cruel trick
Still no period. I showed Kyle the faint line test, didn't tell him what to look for just asked him what he saw. He saw the line. I just looked up my due date, based on if this is the real deal. April 18, 2012. The site I was on had milestone weeks, and when I read "your baby's heart starts to beat" I just lost it. The happy and terrified tears, I really shouldn't have googled that. I want this too much.
In the darkest places of my mind and heart I can't help but suspect that God knows this and will take it away to teach me to lean on Him. I don't think God really operates like that, do I? At the outset of this process I thought about how I may be told I have to wait, to keep trying without success, in order to teach me that it isn't my will but His. I don't like thinking about God with this "master manipulator" mindset. I know He isn't comprehensible to my human mind. Yet this human mind can't help but try to put motives and other human traits onto Him.
I know that even if I do get a darker positive line tomorrow, it doesn't guarantee that I'll deliver a baby next April.
But reading that just now "baby's heart starts to beat" on September 21 of this year, well that hit me hard. Just the fact that I might be back to getting "your baby this week" emails, dusting off my What to Expect, changing my googling from "_____ effect on ovulation" to "_______ during pregnancy" is so amazing. So. Amazing.
Even with a BFP tomorrow I have 10 weeks before I start to breathe a little easier. I'm trying hard not to get too caught up in the dreaming, to counter every positive and hopeful thought with a "you can't be sure yet" but I'm an imaginative person and I fear I'm losing that battle.
7 hours until my next test.
In the darkest places of my mind and heart I can't help but suspect that God knows this and will take it away to teach me to lean on Him. I don't think God really operates like that, do I? At the outset of this process I thought about how I may be told I have to wait, to keep trying without success, in order to teach me that it isn't my will but His. I don't like thinking about God with this "master manipulator" mindset. I know He isn't comprehensible to my human mind. Yet this human mind can't help but try to put motives and other human traits onto Him.
I know that even if I do get a darker positive line tomorrow, it doesn't guarantee that I'll deliver a baby next April.
But reading that just now "baby's heart starts to beat" on September 21 of this year, well that hit me hard. Just the fact that I might be back to getting "your baby this week" emails, dusting off my What to Expect, changing my googling from "_____ effect on ovulation" to "_______ during pregnancy" is so amazing. So. Amazing.
Even with a BFP tomorrow I have 10 weeks before I start to breathe a little easier. I'm trying hard not to get too caught up in the dreaming, to counter every positive and hopeful thought with a "you can't be sure yet" but I'm an imaginative person and I fear I'm losing that battle.
7 hours until my next test.
Figment of my imagination?
Took the HPT this morning and there was the faintest of faint second lines. Like, you had to look close to see it. I'm not counting that as my BFP and will test again tomorrow. I did go through the trash and pull out every other test of this brand that I've taken, none of them had any hint whatsoever of a second line, no matter how I tilted or tipped them or what lighting I looked at them in...
My back is still really bad, and no sign of my period yet, no cramps or anything along those lines. It is really hard not to get excited right now, but that's what I'm working on managing.
The line showed up within 3 minutes. Every time I go to the bathroom today I am pep talking myself that it's okay to discover that my period has in fact started. But it hasn't yet. This is the day it is supposed to be here. I know it could still come tomorrow, tonight, later this week. But I'd be a full out liar if I said I'm not starting to believe that faint line was my BFP.
I am at work and stopped this morning to pick up some of those heat wraps you can wear under your clothes. I'm limping around and looking like a complete idiot trying to walk. But, whether I am here or home I am going to be hurting so I don't want to burn PTO for that. Plus, being at work has provided some level of distraction from the screaming voice in head saying "THAT SECOND LINE WASN'T IN YOUR HEAD, YOU ARE PREGNANT!!!'
Called the doctor and confirmed that, if I am pregnant or suspect I may be, the only pain killer I can safely take is tylenol. It is going to be a long night. Again.
Only 12 hours until my next test.
My back is still really bad, and no sign of my period yet, no cramps or anything along those lines. It is really hard not to get excited right now, but that's what I'm working on managing.
The line showed up within 3 minutes. Every time I go to the bathroom today I am pep talking myself that it's okay to discover that my period has in fact started. But it hasn't yet. This is the day it is supposed to be here. I know it could still come tomorrow, tonight, later this week. But I'd be a full out liar if I said I'm not starting to believe that faint line was my BFP.
I am at work and stopped this morning to pick up some of those heat wraps you can wear under your clothes. I'm limping around and looking like a complete idiot trying to walk. But, whether I am here or home I am going to be hurting so I don't want to burn PTO for that. Plus, being at work has provided some level of distraction from the screaming voice in head saying "THAT SECOND LINE WASN'T IN YOUR HEAD, YOU ARE PREGNANT!!!'
Called the doctor and confirmed that, if I am pregnant or suspect I may be, the only pain killer I can safely take is tylenol. It is going to be a long night. Again.
Only 12 hours until my next test.
Sunday, August 7, 2011
Don't mind me, I'll just be hobbling around trying not to get too excited about it
At about 4:30 today I got hit by excruciating lower back pain. I can't stand up straight and if I make anything close to a sudden move I get a piercing pain shooting out from the area. I usually get some mildly annoying lower back pain when I PMS, but not to the point of having to walk bent over like a rickety old crone. Wanna know the last time I had pain this bad? April 2009. I blamed the fact that I'd been hauling buckets of rocks from the front flower beds to out behind the garage. Found out a month later that I'd been pregnant since March. It's really hard not to get a little hopeful that the same thing is happening again. I know it isn't necessarily an omen, but I can't help it. My period is due tonight or tomorrow. I can't remember the last time I was late. If history holds then it should start very lightly tonight and pick up to full force tomorrow.
This pain is so terribly bad that I want to just bawl like a wounded beast, so why am I just sitting here grinning like an idiot? This is gonna be one hell of a twisted and cruel trick if it is just the worst PMS back pain I've ever experienced in my life. However, if it does turn out to be just PMS pain then at least it will be done in a few days. When I was pregnant last time this went on for almost two long and painful weeks. On the chance that I am pregnant, I'm hesitant to take anything stronger than tylenol so it may be a long restless night.
I didn't take a HPT this morning because I just didn't want to see another negative. I'll take one tomorrow morning for sure. Being at work will be interesting, if even possible. I seriously can't stand up straight and I have to walk like I'm 14 months pregnant just to try and keep the pain from bringing me to my knees. In my efforts to find relief I am getting myself into seated or lying down positions that I then can't really get myself back out of. I left to do grocery shopping at 5, thinking this was PMS pain which I can usually grit my teeth and walk through. About 10 minutes into my shopping I had to call Kyle to come rescue me since I couldn't bend down or reach up to get anything from the shelves.
I should be furious and cranky as hell from the pain, but I can't help but smile. Damn I shouldn't be thinking positive, this is only going to make it harder when this turns out to be just PMS.
Only 8 or 9 hours before I take that test!
This pain is so terribly bad that I want to just bawl like a wounded beast, so why am I just sitting here grinning like an idiot? This is gonna be one hell of a twisted and cruel trick if it is just the worst PMS back pain I've ever experienced in my life. However, if it does turn out to be just PMS pain then at least it will be done in a few days. When I was pregnant last time this went on for almost two long and painful weeks. On the chance that I am pregnant, I'm hesitant to take anything stronger than tylenol so it may be a long restless night.
I didn't take a HPT this morning because I just didn't want to see another negative. I'll take one tomorrow morning for sure. Being at work will be interesting, if even possible. I seriously can't stand up straight and I have to walk like I'm 14 months pregnant just to try and keep the pain from bringing me to my knees. In my efforts to find relief I am getting myself into seated or lying down positions that I then can't really get myself back out of. I left to do grocery shopping at 5, thinking this was PMS pain which I can usually grit my teeth and walk through. About 10 minutes into my shopping I had to call Kyle to come rescue me since I couldn't bend down or reach up to get anything from the shelves.
I should be furious and cranky as hell from the pain, but I can't help but smile. Damn I shouldn't be thinking positive, this is only going to make it harder when this turns out to be just PMS.
Only 8 or 9 hours before I take that test!
It's amazing how big a toddler's presence really is!
Kaleb spent the night at Frank and Annette's last night so we could enjoy a birthday dinner celebration for Kyle. We went over to their house around 3, hung out and heard about their trip to meet Miss Avery Ann, had some bday cake, and then came home around 5:15, leaving Kaleb there. It is so odd to be here at home without him. He's not even 3 feet tall and weighs in at all of 26 lbs, but this house feels empty without him.
We've still got all his toys strewn all over the place, there are still two larger than life dogs, and two cats, and both of us, but without that little dude this house is just not at all the same. "Missing him" doesn't really do justice to what it feels like to be at home without him here. When it is both Kyle and I home and Kaleb isn't with us, well that is just an empty and very prominent "something major is missing from this picture" kind of feeling.
It is odd to try and think back to the days before Kaleb was part of our family. The days when it was just Kyle and Sarah (and dogs and cats) and only adult stuff in the house, no climbing gym in the living room, no toys and blocks and random tupperware bowls littered everywhere. What did we used to have on our coffee table?? I remember it being always cluttered, but what was on it? At this moment it is covered in board books, one plastic easter egg (a great example of the random stuff toddlers decide is their fav toy of the day), an infant/toddler nail clipper, a baby thermometer, and some papers I need to fill out for day care. The entire house is like that, Kaleb's stuff everywhere, and it is tough to recall a time when this stuff wasn't here and to try and remember what used to be our "home clutter" before he joined our lives.
It is frequently said that after children your lives are just never the same, you become new/different people. I get that but it always bugged me because people could never give me specific examples of what they meant. This is a great example of the implications of that statement. Your home, family, and entire world revolves around this little person who can't really even talk to you yet. It isn't a choice or conscious effort on you or your spouse's part to make this happen, somehow it just gets to that point.
One day you are just the two of you, with full and busy lives that have adult patterns and adult clutter and you are fulfilled and happy. Then, you find out a little new family member is on the way. You make some plans, devote one room in your home to be that little person's space, and try to imagine how you'll fit "parenting" into your already established adult patterns that make up your full and busy lives. Then, little one arrives and those first 8-12 weeks are nothing short of a war zone, with the goal being to get everyone out alive and with at least a little sanity left. Very quickly you realize that a baby needs ALL the space in a home, you can't contain them or all this new baby clutter to just one room.
During these first weeks you are so focused on just surviving that you don't even notice what is going on, how every adult pattern is shattered and new patterns take shape. Adult clutter is moved, shuffled out the way to make room for increasing amounts of baby clutter. You emerge from that newborn stage and start to feel a little more comfortable with being parents, and you don't even notice yet that you aren't the same person anymore. The old you is gone, the old way of relating to your spouse is a thing of the past, replaced with this new (and in my opinion, radically better) relationship with this person. The term "life partner" is so much richer now, you are no longer two people living side-by-side, sharing a love for each other. You are parents together now with a shared focus and a new common epicenter to your daily living, and the love you had for each other has now expanded to include a fierce and insanely strong love for this person you have created and now sustain together.
Then, one Sunday morning you wake up to an empty home. You had a beautiful time the night before, reconnecting and remembering how much you love each other. But, as you sit on your couch like you used to do every weekend morning before baby arrived, you look at each other and say "It feels so empty without him here!" And then it hits you, you aren't the same couple anymore, you are a family now. You still love each other, you still have busy adult lives to live, but it feels somewhat drab and not nearly as important as it all used to seem. And you just want it to be time to go get your kid so your family is complete and your home is full again.
That's what it means when people tell you that your lives will never be the same after kids.
We've still got all his toys strewn all over the place, there are still two larger than life dogs, and two cats, and both of us, but without that little dude this house is just not at all the same. "Missing him" doesn't really do justice to what it feels like to be at home without him here. When it is both Kyle and I home and Kaleb isn't with us, well that is just an empty and very prominent "something major is missing from this picture" kind of feeling.
It is odd to try and think back to the days before Kaleb was part of our family. The days when it was just Kyle and Sarah (and dogs and cats) and only adult stuff in the house, no climbing gym in the living room, no toys and blocks and random tupperware bowls littered everywhere. What did we used to have on our coffee table?? I remember it being always cluttered, but what was on it? At this moment it is covered in board books, one plastic easter egg (a great example of the random stuff toddlers decide is their fav toy of the day), an infant/toddler nail clipper, a baby thermometer, and some papers I need to fill out for day care. The entire house is like that, Kaleb's stuff everywhere, and it is tough to recall a time when this stuff wasn't here and to try and remember what used to be our "home clutter" before he joined our lives.
It is frequently said that after children your lives are just never the same, you become new/different people. I get that but it always bugged me because people could never give me specific examples of what they meant. This is a great example of the implications of that statement. Your home, family, and entire world revolves around this little person who can't really even talk to you yet. It isn't a choice or conscious effort on you or your spouse's part to make this happen, somehow it just gets to that point.
One day you are just the two of you, with full and busy lives that have adult patterns and adult clutter and you are fulfilled and happy. Then, you find out a little new family member is on the way. You make some plans, devote one room in your home to be that little person's space, and try to imagine how you'll fit "parenting" into your already established adult patterns that make up your full and busy lives. Then, little one arrives and those first 8-12 weeks are nothing short of a war zone, with the goal being to get everyone out alive and with at least a little sanity left. Very quickly you realize that a baby needs ALL the space in a home, you can't contain them or all this new baby clutter to just one room.
During these first weeks you are so focused on just surviving that you don't even notice what is going on, how every adult pattern is shattered and new patterns take shape. Adult clutter is moved, shuffled out the way to make room for increasing amounts of baby clutter. You emerge from that newborn stage and start to feel a little more comfortable with being parents, and you don't even notice yet that you aren't the same person anymore. The old you is gone, the old way of relating to your spouse is a thing of the past, replaced with this new (and in my opinion, radically better) relationship with this person. The term "life partner" is so much richer now, you are no longer two people living side-by-side, sharing a love for each other. You are parents together now with a shared focus and a new common epicenter to your daily living, and the love you had for each other has now expanded to include a fierce and insanely strong love for this person you have created and now sustain together.
Then, one Sunday morning you wake up to an empty home. You had a beautiful time the night before, reconnecting and remembering how much you love each other. But, as you sit on your couch like you used to do every weekend morning before baby arrived, you look at each other and say "It feels so empty without him here!" And then it hits you, you aren't the same couple anymore, you are a family now. You still love each other, you still have busy adult lives to live, but it feels somewhat drab and not nearly as important as it all used to seem. And you just want it to be time to go get your kid so your family is complete and your home is full again.
That's what it means when people tell you that your lives will never be the same after kids.
Saturday, August 6, 2011
God really does provide
Another negative HPT this morning, I'm now 12 days past ovulation (dpo). Wanted to get that out there first because the title may lead some to think I got my BFP. Not yet.
A few weeks ago I was teaching a licensing class at work (people come in who want to take the state exam for their insurance license and I spend 5 days teaching a class on everything they need to know to ace that test and become a property and casualty insurance agent). At the end of one day I was coming back from the bathroom and ran into a friend I haven't seen in a looong time. We used to hang out back in the "glory days" of my mid-twenties, aka, we used to party together :) We've kept up on facebook but haven't really chatted or hung out in well over a year, probably two years. She is pregnant and expecting a little boy this fall, so exciting! We chatted for a few minutes, did the obligatory "we should do lunch" and went our separate ways. A few weeks later she posted on my facebook wall asking what I thought about my day care. That became the catalyst to actually do lunch, which we did this week.
At this lunch we talked about all kinds of stuff, pregnancy and mommy related mostly. And it was at this lunch that she shared with me that she didn't get her BFP until something like 15 dpo! She shared with me her entire TTC journey and it really helped put things in perspective for me. Thank you, Lord, for sending her my way so she could encourage me and remind me that there is still hope, whether it is this cycle or the next or whenever it may happen.
I've also recently begun an email correspondence with another friend that I see occasionally but lives on the other side of the state. She just had a precious and ridiculously adorable little boy a few months ago. I met her years ago through Kyle, she and her family have been life long family friends of the Remsburgs. I remember when Kyle and I were in that "I really like him but he is my best friend and I don't want to jeopardize it so I'm not going to do anything" phase, we went and hung out with her while she house sat for her parents and she pretty much called us out and served as a great kick in the pants for us to get together :)
Anyway, we're friends who see each other at holidays and get along just great, I follow her blog, but we didn't really email a lot. In response to one of her blog posts I sent her an email and now we are back and forth with me having an opportunity to indulge in sharing all I learned as a new mom to Kaleb, as she is going through that same stage right now. She also had a heartbreaking, although ultimately triumphant, TTC story. And she has been sprinkling our emails with encouragement for me and offered help or advice or a listening ear as I go through my own journey towards holding another baby. Thank you, Lord, for knowing how distracting and helpful it would be for me to share my experience with someone else.
You know how much I love to share what I've learned with others, and how much I love to talk about what I'm going through with people who have been where I'm at right now. Thank You for bringing these ladies back to my life at this moment!
A few weeks ago I was teaching a licensing class at work (people come in who want to take the state exam for their insurance license and I spend 5 days teaching a class on everything they need to know to ace that test and become a property and casualty insurance agent). At the end of one day I was coming back from the bathroom and ran into a friend I haven't seen in a looong time. We used to hang out back in the "glory days" of my mid-twenties, aka, we used to party together :) We've kept up on facebook but haven't really chatted or hung out in well over a year, probably two years. She is pregnant and expecting a little boy this fall, so exciting! We chatted for a few minutes, did the obligatory "we should do lunch" and went our separate ways. A few weeks later she posted on my facebook wall asking what I thought about my day care. That became the catalyst to actually do lunch, which we did this week.
At this lunch we talked about all kinds of stuff, pregnancy and mommy related mostly. And it was at this lunch that she shared with me that she didn't get her BFP until something like 15 dpo! She shared with me her entire TTC journey and it really helped put things in perspective for me. Thank you, Lord, for sending her my way so she could encourage me and remind me that there is still hope, whether it is this cycle or the next or whenever it may happen.
I've also recently begun an email correspondence with another friend that I see occasionally but lives on the other side of the state. She just had a precious and ridiculously adorable little boy a few months ago. I met her years ago through Kyle, she and her family have been life long family friends of the Remsburgs. I remember when Kyle and I were in that "I really like him but he is my best friend and I don't want to jeopardize it so I'm not going to do anything" phase, we went and hung out with her while she house sat for her parents and she pretty much called us out and served as a great kick in the pants for us to get together :)
Anyway, we're friends who see each other at holidays and get along just great, I follow her blog, but we didn't really email a lot. In response to one of her blog posts I sent her an email and now we are back and forth with me having an opportunity to indulge in sharing all I learned as a new mom to Kaleb, as she is going through that same stage right now. She also had a heartbreaking, although ultimately triumphant, TTC story. And she has been sprinkling our emails with encouragement for me and offered help or advice or a listening ear as I go through my own journey towards holding another baby. Thank you, Lord, for knowing how distracting and helpful it would be for me to share my experience with someone else.
You know how much I love to share what I've learned with others, and how much I love to talk about what I'm going through with people who have been where I'm at right now. Thank You for bringing these ladies back to my life at this moment!
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