Baby Steps

So many mothers watch and wish for their babies to start crawling, then pulling up on furniture, then cruising and eventually walking all on their own. I am not one of these mothers. While I celebrate each developmental marker with all the excitement and happiness of a proud mama, I can't help but feel a little sad as we pass each milestone. Already my sweet little baby is crawling all around on his own, he doesn't need me to transport him everywhere like he used to. As he was nursing today I looked at one of his bare feet and was astonished that it is larger than my palm now! Where is the teeny tine little baby food I wrapped my hand around just a few months ago?! Then my mind wandered to thoughts of those precious little baby feet someday carrying him out into the world, without me there to watch and protect him. There will come a day when he is old enough to to deserve and desire his independance from me, and although I know it is many many years down the road, I can't help but start to dread it already. I wonder if all mothers go through this? It seems like with each incremental baby step he takes as he grows up I also take a baby step, in the direction of facing the reality that someday I'm going to have to watch him walk out into the great big world all on his own. Another of the beautiful things about being a mother, growing and developing right along side my amazing little dude :)

**As I wrote this post I had Kaleb playing on the kitchen floor under my supervision. Somehow he managed to find a leaf that the dog had tracked in. I turned and saw something dark on his chin, and as I went to him he started gagging, I figured out it was a leaf, and just as I was wiping it off his face and picking him up to clean him off, he puked from gagging. Hmmmmm, perhaps having him go out into that world won't be the saddest thing after all ;) I swear, you can't make this stuff up!

Spatula Sentiments

At this time last year I was counting down the hours to the ultrasound that would tell me if my baby was a boy or a girl. I'd been having vivid dreams starring a "little boy with sunshine in his hair" at all ages of childhood and was so very worried that I'd find out we were having a girl and I'd carry all this guilt over dreaming about a boy. Turns out my dreams were right on!
While obsessing over this I was also choosing floor tile for the kitchen upgrade Kyle and I were planning. I remember putting every tile sample through the "Spatula Test". This test consisted of imagining the way the tile would look with my sweet baby playing happily with a spatula and some bowls on the new kitchen floor. I don't know why, but it was an image I cherished throughout my pregnancy, and come to think of it, for many years before the pregnancy as well! I loved the vision of sitting in a sunny kitchen while my future baby happily played and babbled away on the tiled floor. The final decision for the tile came down to the one I thought a baby would find the most interesting, a pretty blue and white tile with lots of different shades of blue flecks in the pattern once you get close up.
This morning, that vision became a reality. As I was packing Kaleb's bottles and food for the day I remembered my Spatula Test and smiled. I reached into the utensil drawer and pulled out the wooden handled purple silicone tipped Williams Sonoma spatula we received as a wedding gift. I went into the cupboard and pulled out two of my colored tupperware bowls, a yellow and a green. I then strategically placed the items around the kitchen to be "discovered" and went and got Kaleb from his pack and play and set him right down in the middle of the kitchen floor. It didn't take long for him to find the new toys I'd stashed for him, and soon he was happily banging that spatula on the floor and knocking the tupperware all around. It was a moment I never ever want to forget, the baby I had dreamed about for years finally there in real life, contentedly playing with a spatula on my beautiful kitchen floor.
This morning, it was so very rewarding to be a mother!

Morning Madness!

This morning it was tough to be a working mom. Kaleb has been doing some serious teething the past few days, he was up at 4:30 this morning wanting to nurse, which meant I was up as well. With him not having slept or napped well the past few days, he was extra clingy and crabby this morning. So, from 4:45 to 7:00 I was trying to juggle the need to soothe and comfort my crying son with the need to get us both ready, packed, and out the door on time. I’m committed to not venting out my stress and frustration in front of Kaleb, so I had the added struggle of reigning that back in and being calm and attentive while watching the minutes slipping away on the clock, putting me closer and closer to being late for work. While I truly love the work I do in my career, I admit that I experienced anger over feeling as if I had to ignore my baby when he needed me so that I could arrive at the office on time. This combined with the stress of hearing Kaleb crying and fussing basically non-stop for over two hours made for a tough start to my day!

Precious Memories

We have almost hit the 6 month mark already, and, as cliche as it sounds, I truly can't believe how this time has flown! I remember reading ahead in my What To Expect the First Year book, and thinking the days of starting solids and sitting up on his own were soooo far off...and yet here we are.
As I'm sure is true of almost all mothers, I wish I would have been more diligent in recording all the precious moments that have happened along the way. I console myself with the idea that I was so busy experiencing and being involved in making the memories, that to have taken time to record them would have somehow lessened the beauty of each moment. That said, I really do want to do a better job of capturing this amazing time.
For today, just a couple of the many beautiful things that I will cherish forever.
-The Houdini Foot: Kaleb has, since the day he was born, had a knack for getting one or both of his feet out of any swaddle, blanket, or wrap we try to put him in. I have pictures from in the hospital of that little foot hanging out of his swaddling blankets. Just yesterday I had him in the Moby wrap for his morning nap, and, as I walked by a mirror, I noticed a precious little foot hanging out the side. That required him to have wriggled his foot through 3 layers of fabric, each layer criss-crossed across the next. I look forward to the days of checking on him in his sleep and seeing that foot hanging out from under the covers.
-The Nap Time Tunes: I have always hummed or sang to Kaleb, since before he was even born. This has become my most reliable way to calm him and/or help him fall asleep. In the past few weeks I've noticed that he now "hums along" with me. It is the most adorably heart warming thing! It has even progressed to the point where his babbling will change in pace and I can recognize it as him starting to get tired. When I'm rocking him in the Moby and humming to him he will do the same until he falls asleep.
There are so many more precious moments and memories. I hope to be better about recording them here, but if not, trust that it is because I am too busy enjoying them to the fullest!

Kaleb was finally born on Monday, 12/21/2009, at 9:14PM via C-section. He was 8 pounds, 5 ounces and 21 inches long. Labor was 30 hours long, and while there is a great story to be told there, I don't want to waste time on telling that one right now, perhaps another post.
My little man is almost 6 weeks old already and he has stolen my heart in so many ways, I could never have imagined just how intense my love for him would be. Currently he is sound asleep on my chest with a nice full tummy, blissfully unaware of anything and everything going on around him, trusting that he is completely safe as long as Mommy has him. I'm typing at an extremely awkward angle since he is kind of in the way of being able to hold my computer in my lap, so I'm making due, such is the story of my life now :)
Being someone's Mommy is so amazing, so hard, so beautiful, so frustrating, so rewarding, so exhausting, it is just so...everything. There are times when I'll look at him and feel the most intense surge of love and protective feelings towards him, a feeling so deep that it honestly clears everything else from my mind, at times stops my breath, and brings tears to my eyes. There are times (usually times between midnight and 6 am) when he starts crying to be fed and I feel like I can't keep this up, like I'm just too tired and I want to just roll over and sleep more, ignore or put off taking care of this task like I used to be able to do with other responsibilities in my life, but I know I can't do that. He needs me, depends on me, and that feeling of being completely responsible for him, of knowing that he absolutely needs me to do and be everything for him right now...it is hard to put into words what that feels like. It is an odd blend of overwhelming exhaustion at the knowledge of how all-encompassing and never-ending this Mom thing is, while simultaneously feeling energized those same realities.
I absolutely love the way that Kaleb already knows that I'm his Mommy. How he can be crying/upset and once I pick him up and sing or talk to him he calms down. The way he responds to me, my voice and my presence, in a way that he doesn't do for anyone else. I'm thinking this is what people mean when they talk about 'bonding', the strong connection that he and I share. I love watching him develop his trust in me to always be there and know what to do to make things better, whether it is singing to him over and over one of the silly songs I've written for him until my throat is aching, or bouncing him in my arms until my muscles are burning, or walking laps around the house, feeding him, changing him, playing with him or giving him a quiet and safe place to rest. Kaleb is learning that Mommy is here and that she loves him and will always take care of him, and that translates into my being able to calm or soothe him more quickly than anyone else, which is something I feel an enormous sense of pride and accomplishment over! I've always enjoyed learning new things, and learning the ins and outs of being Kaleb's mommy, the specifics and details of exactly what he needs from me, this has been the hands down favorite learning experience of my life!