This is going to be tough :(

We celebrated Father's Day with the Remsburgs today, and spent some time discussing grocery shopping and gear for Kaleb's stay with them next week. When we got to talking about how the Monday drop off will go I found myself getting a little choked up. I've been trying very hard not to dwell on the fact that I'm leaving my baby for an entire week. I've tried focusing on the upside, the bonding time with my husband, the great opportunity for Kaleb to have special time with his grandparents, the amazingness of an entire week with no one else to take care of but myself. But, it is getting too close now and I can no longer just plug my ears and sing "la la la" like it isn't happening. It's happening. I'm getting on a plane and flying far far away from my baby boy. So far that, if anything happens to him, it will take me a minimum of half a day to get back to him. And for so long that he will have new skills and words by the time I see him again. I'm going to have a serious struggle to not break down and cry when we are leaving him. I am certain I'll be a hot mess in the car after we leave the Remsburgs. I'm going to miss my little sunshine boy so so SOOOO much. The part of me that excels in worst-case-scenario planning is starting to try to run away with my imagination. I admit it. I'm scared to leave him and the fact that both Kyle and I are leaving him makes it even scarier. All the necessary affairs are in order, if the absolute worst were to happen, we've been responsible parents in making sure Kaleb is taken care of. I know. I'm a bit twisted, but I feel like I have to think of this stuff. I can't wait for the trip, and I *will* have fun, and I *won't* spend the entire trip moping around missing my baby. But, when the end of the trip arrives, I'll also be insanely excited to get on the plane home to my sweet little sunshine boy!

Obsessed

I can't stop thinking about getting pregnant. I'm already anxious to take a test, and I won't even be ovulating for over two weeks. This is crazy. If I'm this bad now, how insane will it be having to wait another full long drawn out week after ovulation?!? As I type this I realize it is probably super annoying and potentially even mildly offensive to anyone who has experienced trying for a baby and not having immediate success. And I'm aware that I may not have immediate success. I don't handle it well at all when there is something that is out of my control. And, to an extent, this totally is out of my control. This is going to be a long 3 weeks. Maybe longer than that. Wow. This is intense. I just can't believe the time is finally here. I've been waiting for over a year for this trip to get here, for this specific purpose. While I was waiting, sure, I thought about how much I wanted another baby. But that was a different kind of waiting because I knew we had to get through this trip first. Now this trip is 4 days away. The time is here, the ovulation is being tracked, I just reeeeeeeally want to get this show on the road!!!

It's Countdown Time!!!

Next Tuesday, Kyle and I will be heading to Jamaica for a fabulous week at Couples Swept Away, the resort we were married at. We are heading back to celebrate the wedding of a friend of ours who was there when we said our vows. Kaleb will be spending the week with Grandma and Grandpa Remsburg, as the resort is adults-only. It is going to be amazing to spend a week at a beautiful all-inclusive resort, no worries and no responsibilities. I can't wait for the chance to reconnect with my husband and enjoy some time with just the two of us!
And, while this in itself is worthy of a countdown ticker, it isn't what has me excited to the point of complete distraction. I've been ready to have another baby since Kaleb was 3 months old. We decided to hold off until after this trip because I didn't want to be pregnant at an all-inclusive. I also didn't want to have to worry about maintaining a breast-feeding supply while away for a week. So, for about a year now, this trip has represented to me the chance to grow our family. Now it is a week away and I'm so out of control excited to try for another baby that I seriously can barely contain myself.
I try to reign it in, try to acknowledge that it might not work, we may not be blessed with another. But my uterus is running the show right now. I've got the baby feva like you wouldn't believe and I can't wait for next week!!!

When Making Time Means Taking Time

I remember the pre-baby Sarah, the one who scoffed at any mom that dared to claim they didn't have the time to exercise. "Oh, come on, you mean to tell me you can't find 30 minutes in your day?!" I had no clue, no idea what life is like once you have a kid. I do now and I regret every comment I ever made, I was so naive and so irritatingly 'judgey'. Here's what I would say to that snide skinny chick I used to be if I ran into her now and she spouted off one of her "suggestions":

"Just wake up earlier" Okay, I'm already waking up at 5:30 to get myself and my family out the door on time every morning. If I want to exercise before work I either need to cut off all my hair and give up make-up (tempting on some days, I'll admit) or I need to get up by 4:00 so I have time to drink coffee (no way in hell I exercise before coffee, not safe, not cool, not happening), then workout and have enough time to stop sweating before I get in the shower. Sorry peeps, 4:00 AM is for being at Denny's in your early 20's or for mothers of newborns. I am no longer either of those, so 4:00 AM and I won't be seeing each other.

"Just squeeze in a workout on your lunch" Okay, this one I can see as a tad more feasible, but still tough to actually execute. I'm only going to have 20 minutes of actual exercise by the time I get to the locker room, change, and get on a machine. Keeping in mind I need enough time to stop sweating (it takes me a while, okay!), mop up, attempt to put myself back together, and get back to my desk. While 20 minutes is better than nothing, it isn't enough and it is frustrating as all get out to be just getting into a workout and have to stop. And I seriously don't see this happening at all if I have training that day. In the spirit of being honest, I also really enjoy my lunch breaks because it gives me a chance to socialize with friends that I wouldn't normally see otherwise. Selfish, I know, but there you have it.


"Exercise right when you get home" This is the one I'm doing, and I wish I could go back and smack the smug know-it-all expression off that skinny brat that was pre-baby Sarah. Yes, exercise is important, and it is necessary when you are trying to put your body back into some sort of "shape" after a baby so that you are ready and healthy to grow another baby. But there is a very demanding new person in my life, and he is kind of like a new toy that you just spend your entire day wanting to play with. When I get home from work, I have been away from the coolest and most fascinating person I know for a loooong time that day and I really want to spend every precious minute I have hanging out with him. And here's the kicker, HE wants to spend time with ME. Kaleb doesn't understand "hang on buddy, Mommy has to ignore you for 45 minutes so she can exercise" and he is too young to get into doing the workout with me. Not to mention those pesky chores, and the fact that Kaleb needs dinner, the dogs want attention, and whatever else is going on.

All this to say, from my current perspective, it isn't at all about just making time to exercise. I know I can make the time. The issue, the part I couldn't have grasped before I had Kaleb, is that making time to exercise means I am directly taking that time away from him. Argue if you want, but that is how I see it.

I will continue working out each night after work, because it is something I need to do. I appreciate the point of view that says it is good for Kaleb to see Mommy being active and setting a good example and all that. But, when he is tantruming on the floor because he "waaaaants Moooooommmmmyyyyyyy", it is extra challenging to keep my focus on long term gain.

Okay, rant over, sorry. That's been on my mind lately. I really regret comments and judgments I've made before. I wish I could go back now to those moms and tell them I was so naive and I'm sorry. But, I know they already know and were probably just shaking their head and laughing knowing my day would come and I'd see the light.