I'm raising the most amazing boys!

Some wonderful things that happened today in our family:

1. I picked up Kaleb early from daycare so he and I could have our special time. He chose to spend it having a snack on the couch (cream soda, cheez its with hummus, annies fruit snack and annies fruit roll up....okay so maybe dinner) and watching Cosmos: A Spacetime Odyssey together. I'm so very good with that, I adore that he is hooked on Cosmos right now, watching his 'seriously curious' brain (his term) soak up that information. I talked about what special time is and that Jacob gets his in the morning so I wanted Kaleb to have some and today was a good day for it. He shared that he really liked special time, and suggested "maybe we could do it where M W F Jacob gets picked up early, and then I get T Th, since Jacob needs you right now so he could have the more days" :) :) :) my heart melted, I said to Kaleb "honey, I love your thoughtfulness! You're right, Jacob is needing more attention right now while he works through his stuff, but that doesn't at all mean that you should get less attention, you know that, right?" and he said "Oh, I know, I get that. I'm just saying, Jacob needs you, like he actually needs your attention more right now, so he would have more days."
My sweet thoughtful kind generous observant loving son!! I grabbed him up in a hug and told him I loved him so very much, that he continues to find more and more ways to make my heart sing and that I'm the very luckiest ever to get to be his mommy. He smiled and shrugged it off and said "Okay, we're missing time with Cosmos!" and we got back to our show.

2. I was standing in the bedroom talking to Kyle and Jacob walked in and said "Mommy?" then kind of shook his head like a "wait, that's not what I meant" gesture and said "Wait, I mean, Daddy?" and then proceeded to ask Kyle for help getting a drink. This is amazing, that I was right there and he still went to Kyle with his need. What a beautiful sign of the trust and love Kyle has been so actively nurturing with the boys these past months. Another heart swoon :)

3. Jacob feeling Kaleb's paper cut (empathy, note to self to hopefully come finish this post another time)

Bookmarks and reflections

It is easy to get caught up in what you want your children to learn, know, be, think, feel etc. One of the primary intentions I use for my meditation practice and my daily mindfulness work is a strong desire to see my children as they are, not as I want or imagine them to be. I think as parents we over indulge our desires a bit with the kids, allowing our own bias and dreams to cloud over our perception until we are left only seeing a projection when we are looking at our kids.

I try to be vigilent when I am with them, on the look out for projections of my own and bringing myself over and over again back into the present moment with them. My kids continually provide me amazing lessons in living in the here and now, absorbing fully each moment. If I watch and pattern after them, I am squarely in the present. Especially with Jacob as he is still 4. Kaleb is nearing 7 now, the age when many say the concept of 'self as separate' starts to really emerge. Piaget calls it the Concrete Operational phase, which is when the mind becomes developed enough to understand that what they think can be different from what another thinks and experiences. All that to say, while he retains much of his innocence, some of it is fading as Kaleb matures. And I know Jacob is right behind him.

In the interest of catching these little clues to who my kids really are at their core, I need to capture a couple observations on Jacob from the past week.

First, the bookmark. One day he brought me a small colored piece of paper home from school. He'd used markers to add colorful lines and shapes and it came home with him from his little folder at day care. When he gave it to me, I remarked on how he'd used so many colors and it was so interesting to see them all together, and then set it aside (me trying to not praise with the 'good job' and focus more on the decisions and efforts he'd put into it). Later that evening Jacob, seeking to be helfpul I think, brought me one of the books I am reading and handed it to me. I was standing next to his color sheet and I said "Oh hey! Look at how perfect your picture is as a bookmark for my book!" and I put the colored little paper in as a book mark and told Jacob now everytime I looked at it I would smile and think of how thoughtful he was when he made me that picture. Since that day, he has brought me home no less than three new "bookmarks" every day. He proudly presents them to me, and even goes so far as to tell me exactly what book of mine he made them for. I am moved by the sensitive heart that lead him to observe how happy a bookmark made me and to then find a way to bring me more happiness. I'm awed by his intuitive paying attention to these things, even to the level of knowing which of the hundreds of books in this house are the ones I am currently reading through. Such an observant and sensitive heart.

Second, the unsolicited accountability. This past Thursday I had a dentist appointment at 8 AM. I knew this would mean a high potential for stress that morning, needing to get the boys ready and out the door while also ensuring I was ready for work before leaving since I was going straight to the office from the dentist appointment. On Wednesday night at dinner I had a conversation with the boys about how the next morning would be a potentially stressful one for mom, and that I really needed their help. this is a strategy I try to use whenever I can, talk about the situation or potential for high emotions before we are in the thick of it. We talked about what we would do if they didn't feel like getting up when I told them it was time (Jacob: do it anyway! Kaleb: stretch and yawn and think about how yummy breakfast will be) what we'd do if they felt like playing hide and seek when it was time to get in the car (both: just don't!) and what would happen if Mommy started getting irritated or stressed out (Mommy: I will tell you what I feel like, Kaleb: We will listen and try to help, Jacob: I will hug you) So, here comes Thursday morning and of course, it goes exactly like I'd anticipated...not according to plan. Jacob had a hell of a time with going along with the routine, dug in and refused to get dressed. I got stressed and told him I was feeling annoyed because i really needed help and it seemed like he wasn't willing to help me. It did not go smoothly, but between my ongoing nagging and my need to carry him to the car and put his shoes on his feet for him, we got out the door and everyone got to where they needed to be on time. Then, that night after school, Jacob came home and walked over to me. Standing next to me he says "Mommy? I was thinking and next time we have a dentist appointment, I am going to do everything you say and whatever you need for me to be a good helper. Okay?" and my heart blew up. No one else knew what had happened that morning, there is no way another adult could have coached him to that. He had reflected all by himself, come up with the challenge, and then came up with a way to do it different next time. AND he then shared it with me without me having to ask at all. I love his  heart so much :)

When Mom is wrong

The boys are 6 and 4 these days, life looks a lot different than it did in my earlier days on this blog. Now they are able to be responsible for getting themselves dressed for day care or school in the morning, along with many other new capabilities. This has truly been game changing, I love the new found independence and capabilities we're discovering every day! Wanted to capture a quick moment from this morning, as a means of preserving the memory and reminding my future self that it is okay to get things wrong as long as we're willing to go back and fix them wherever we can.

Some mornings are more challenging than others. Some days I wake up rested and calm, these are the days I make breakfast with a smile, sip coffee and read news while the boys watch a cartoon, and then gently encourage them through the getting dressed and into the car process. today was not one of those days. Today was the kind of morning where I wake up already a little angry with the world, but with seemingly no specific reason, just a general simmering anger.

I have a friend I've talked about this phenomenon with and we describe it as just looking around the world and waiting for someone or something to give us a target for the anger we're carrying around. Kind of sitting and watching and almost wishing someone would say something stupid so we could lash out and expend all the negative energy. It's pretty awesome to have friends in your life who hear your story and respond with a loud "Me TOO!!" But I digress...back to this morning.

I've worked hard on being mindful of moments, all the moments, good and bad. Tuning in to my emotions and general moods so I can learn about how they impact the way I interact with my world. So when I wake up like today I do immediately sense it and fully understand that this is just a passing emotion, and that (as I say to both boys all the time) It is okay to feel angry, it is not okay to hurt another person because of it. I wish I lived up to it perfectly, but I don't and so I use my failings to teach the boys how to deal with it when they inevitably fail to live up to what they expect from themselves.

Today is pajama day at day care, and Kaleb wasn't sure if he still had to wear his summer camp t-shirt or if he could wear a normal shirt with his pj pants. I told him to wear the summer camp shirt and that he could pick out and bring along a normal shirt to change into if we found out he didn't need to wear the camp shirt. With my "come on come on, we need to go, mama needs to get to work" frantic demands, the getting of the back up shirt didn't happen.

We realized this when I walked Kaleb to his class and saw all his friends in normal shirts, and my sweet little Kaleb did not say a single word to me about how disappointed he was that we forgot his shirt. I could see it on his face, but he smiled and gave me my high-five goodbye (yes, we are officially at the age where it isn't cool to kiss your mom in front of friends) and off he went. I took Jacob to his class and got in my car to head to the office.

But I couldn't shake my disappointment in letting my own foul mood get in the way of helping Kaleb this morning. Was it technically his responsibility to remember that back up shirt? Absolutely! We work hard to make sure these boys don't grow up thinking Mom is in charge of that stuff. I'm here to support and help, but they are responsible for where their stuff is. Still, I knew my darker mood and pressuring for the boys to hurry up and get ready was a contributor to the forgetting. Kaleb was focused on complying with my commands, and he did so with excellent speed and hustle. but the look on his face when he realized we' forgot his favorite Star Wars shirt that goes with his Star Wars pj's pants, well that just kinda broke my heart a bit.

Instead of heading to the office, I went home and got that shirt out his dresser. I drove straight back to his day care and asked his teachers if I could borrow him for a moment. When he came into the hallway I knelt down and held the Star Wars shirt out. I told him I knew how much he wanted to wear that shirt today, and that I was sorry that I was so focused on myself this morning that I forgot to be a good helper to him. I told him I had watched how hard he worked this morning to help me out by not only getting himself ready but by also helping his little brother. I asked him if he could forgive me for breaking the rule about not letting our anger hurt someone else. He just stared at me, right in my eyes and nodded, with this look of serious thinking on his face. Then, after a few seconds, he smiled and gave me a high five for bringing the shirt to him. I told him he could go change quick in the bathroom and bring me back his summer camp shirt so I could bring it with me.

This struck me as the example I'll want in the future for how sometimes Mom is wrong. I want my kids to see their parents getting things wrong because I want my kids to see their parents role modeling the way to respond after we get something wrong. Not blaming the other person (your shirt, your responsibility!) while also not taking everything back on themselves (I apologized for not being a better helper, not for forgetting to bring the shirt for him). I want to be the kind of mom that narrates my life for my kids, so they can get a front row seat to what it means to make mistakes and what it means to work to correct them wherever we can. I hope that is what I was able to show Kaleb today.

Sometimes Mom is wrong, too. That's okay. Because Mom is a person just like everyone else, and everyone gets it wrong sometimes. The lesson isn't about not getting it wrong, it's about knowing what to do to try to put things as much back to right as we can.

Thanksgiving menu

A rather boring title, but I'm hoping it helps next year when I go searching for  my post about what I made (so as to make it again) but it isn't anywhere in November...because I can't seem to get it together to record things like this in a timely fashion. Just a quick note to my future self:

Hi, 2015 Sarah! You found your menu post, remember last year when you had to try to remember what you made the year before because you didn't think to write it down?? Well, look at you, learning and growing and now you have your whole menu, with links, saved right here for you. Now, go rock out that dinner, lady!

Okay, thanks for humoring me there :) Thanksgiving was lovely yet again, we had the Remsburgs here for dinner and the boys once again helped me with the prep. Minimal help...negligible help...but still, help. As you see in my note to my future self above, I didn't keep track of what I made last year so this year I had to figure out all the stuff again. As a big fan of learning from my experiences, I've decided to capture the menu here:

Remsburg Thanksgiving Menu: 2014

14 lb. turkey
Turkey brine (Pioneer Woman)
Gravy from turkey drippings
Sausage and Sage Stuffing (Taste of Home) *used two loaves rosemary focaccia bread, cubed and sage sausage
Green bean casserole (Mom's recipe in family cookbook)
Mashed potatoes (Pioneer Woman)
Corn (dumped a can in a bowl, microwave, add butter and salt)
Rolls (crescent roll tube from store)
Cranberry sauce (Pioneer Woman)
Sweet potatoes baked with candied pecans (brought by Annette, yum!!)
Waldorf salad (also brought by Annette)
Pumpkin pie (Mom's recipe in family cookbook)
Apple crisp (Mom's recipe in family cookbook)

There, now that should make prep for next year easier. Speaking of prep, I take the week of Thanksgiving off of work, but only me, no husband or kids allowed, because I'm selfish like that and I know how much I need that down time. This year, Angie came over on Tuesday and helped me get organized and also start prepping. Uhmmm, that was awesome!! It's way more fun to be in the kitchen when you have one of your all time favorite people in there with you :) In addition to some food prep, we tackled Rosemary Gladstar's Wildcraft Face Cream and in addition to listed ingredients, we infused the oils with organic calendula petals for a good 2 hours in a double boiler. Oh. My. Goodness! This cream is amaaazing, and it actually came out like a real lotion which I have never been able to make before. What a fun day of prep and crafting that was.

Ciao for now!

Mama Bears Can't Afford to Hibernate

Tis the season for me to want to curl up with a heating pad, a book and a blanket and just go into hibernation mode until April. I know I'm not alone in this, and I suspect that with the unbelievably hard core start to winter we're having this year, we're going to have some more people seeking hibernation than may typically do so.

But this year, more than any year, I simply can't let the season drag me down. My mama bear instincts have been awakened with a ferocity that is surprising me and I wonder if this may actually be a help to me in battling back the constant desire to just stay in bed all winter. Last night was parent/teacher conferences, something I look forward to greatly for both the boys! I love hearing about how they are relating to their world and the people in it, and hearing the teacher's perspective on where they are developmentally.

Jacob is on track and is demonstrating strengths in creating close bonds to peers and moderating his own wants and desires against the wants and desires of others in his environment. He needs to work on using his words more, specifically in situations with high emotion. He gets frustrated when he wants something and doesn't get is right away (don't we all?) and resorts to using his body (hands, feet, teeth) to express his anger instead of using his voice. Not concerned here, this is age appropriate behavior and something that will improve with time and attention.

Kaleb is excelling academically, as has been the report at every previous conference as well. He's a bright and observant kid, asking questions that sometimes leave the teachers speechless because of the level of insight they represent. We have been receiving reports frequently of his inability to sit still at circle time, his tendency to interrupt the teacher with a question without waiting his turn, and his regular attempts at making his peers laugh during times where they are supposed to be focused. I've taken these with a grain of salt, because it is blatantly obvious that he gets this from me. In the grown up world we call this being extroverted, passionate, and sometimes overly talkative. I just figured these reports were examples of my son's bright, curious, passionate and engaging nature...but last night a new term was used...ADHD. The teacher commented that she hopes that when Kaleb goes to kindergarten next year the teachers see beyond the hyper and can identify the greatness in him and don't "write him off". This, ladies and gentleman, sent my protective parenting instinct into overdrive.

"Write him off"?! I'll be damned if that happens. Did you know that when I was a sophomore in high school my life plan was to go to Harvard and that my thesis for my doctorate was my conviction that many cases of ADHD have more to do with the child being bored in a traditional school setting than with the child having a "learning disability". I was going to use that doctorate of mine to open learning centers across the nation that were designed with the needs of the ADHD child in mind. Clearly, that did not pan out, and yet it looks like God has kept me true to my calling and my passion by blessing me with a child who serves as the perfect case study for my thesis. It is, and continues to be, my suspicion that in many cases, it is the education system that has the disability, not the child.

Now, before you accuse me of being overly biased because he is my kid, let me say that I do recognize the need for children to learn to adapt to their environment and that it is important to learn in life that sometimes we have to do things we find boring or tedious. I'm not going on a soapbox to say my child is magical and special and it's just that no one understands him and we should let him explore however he wants to. I am not blind when it comes to my kids, or at least I like to think I am not, although I realize I am somewhat biased because it is my job as his mom to see the best in him, especially when others struggle to.

In absence of a full diagnosis just yet, Dr. Google has provided me with multiple confirmations of something I've been suspecting for a while now. My oldest child displays many of the traits associated with ADHD. I am heart broken when I think about what it means for him if this is truly a diagnosis he ends up with. I know all too well what it feels like to want to behave and yet not do so, the anger of trying so damn hard to follow through and stick with something and stay focused and still have to constantly struggle with it even though you want to do it so badly.

We'll seek formal diagnosis in the future. For now I am thankful he has a teacher at day care who pays such close attention to him and who wasn't afraid to raise the concern with me. I am thankful that he is my son because I am uniquely suited to understand his struggles while at the same time having spent many years reading about and studying not only ADHD but all aspects of human behavior and development.

Kaleb, I assure you that for as long as I'm here you will have the best advocate there is for your development. No teacher on my watch will ever "write you off", mama bear is wide awake and I've been preparing for this, unknowingly, for over two decades.

Mom's first 5K!

I ran my first 5K race this morning! Finished at 39:02, which is about 4 minutes faster than my pace on the first time I ever ran one for practice. Kyle and the boys came to cheer me on, and Frank and Annette were there as well :) I picked up running at the end of March this year. Jacob was about to be one and I wanted/needed to get back into exercising. But, having just the one TV and a small-ish living room, and not really liking to use my laptop (i like the sound LOUD!) working out to my DVD's at home just wasn't working. I decided running would be the answer, if I only had 30 minutes to work out, I could get a decent cardio burn running for that long. I started a Couch to 5K program in April and today I did that first race. I do look forward to going for a run now, not because I particularly enjoy the actual running, but because I enjoy seeing just how much my body can do. I like running because there is always something to compete against yourself with, and it is easy to get measurements and track progress. My body feels less lethargic and I am more eager to jump in and play with the kids at the playground. This is my ultimate reason for running, to be healthy and fit and active with my boys. No plans to train for a a 10K right now, instead I am going to focus my training efforts on improving my 5K time. I am excited to go out and find my next race!

In other news, Kaleb has started throwing out the "You're not my best friend!" card when he is mad at me. The other day I had to take his Spiderman cartoon away because he had been playing a bit rough with the kids at school. When I wouldn't let him watch it that night and explained that he needed to have a good day before he could have his superheroes back he went to all out meltdown. This was when he tossed the best friend grenade out. I replied with "I am your Mommy" and left it at that. He went so far as to say/shriek "If you were my best friend you would let me watch it!"to which I again replied "I am your Mommy. That show is too violent for you, you need to show me you can control your self before you may watch it again." I know this should break my heart to hear him say this to me, and that in his mind saying that to me is a big deal. But, if I'm being totally real, I actually felt kinda proud to hear him say that. Proud of myself for not giving in and honestly, proud of him for using words and expressing just how upset with me he was. I want him to always feel safe enough with me to express his true feelings. Sure, as he gets older we will work on finding other ways to say what he is trying to express. Right now though, I am pleased that he will shout that out. I am pleased that I was able to calmly reply and remind him that I am Mom. And pleased that he saw that even when he is in a rage at me, I love him and I am going to be right there, all the while doing what is best for him even if it makes me unpopular at the moment.

Jacob has taken off with walking! It is his preferred mode of transport and he is now already working on climbing things, like the ladder at day care for the slide. He also spent a good amount of time with Annette this morning practicing going up and down steps while I was running. He held her hand and stepped off the curb, walked around her and stepped back up the curb, then back around and down, and so on. Annette said she was like the revolving grandma :) It is such a blessing to have her around the kids (all the grandparents!) to help them grow up and be truly invested in their development.

The house hunt is still moving forward. We just heard back from the people we are trying to buy the house we want from. We had inspections and the house needs a new roof and chimney. We wanted them to pay for all repairs, they propose we split them...of course. Deciding now what we are going to do, will be getting estimates on both this week. On that front, I had a great memory lock moment today. The sun was shining, we were leaving the neighborhood on our way to the park. The Avett Brothers were playing in the car and our windows were down but going slow enough so my hair was just lightly blowing. It was such a beautiful moment and I realized that we are on the tail end of this chapter, this neighborhood, this house, this home. I'm so excited to be moving on, and at the same time I am appreciative of all the beautiful memories we have here. So, at that moment today I took a nice memory snap shot of the happiness and our young family and the summer just starting. A lovely little heart smile!

What's going on?

Hi, friends! Been a long time, again. I don't understand why I sometimes feel such a sense of writer's block when I come out here. One person shared that it is hard to get back into but if I just keep on posting it will get easier again. And I really do want to be more regular with my updates. My hope is someday to turn this blog into some sort of book and share it with the kids as the story of when they were growing up...or, more likely, read it to myself as a way of remembering their early years.

I also don't want every post to just be a catch up post, but I fear that this one needs to be since it has been months! Here are the highlights for the kids:

Kaleb is just about three and a half, he is talking in complete paragraphs, making up his own stories now, and gets a big kick out of substituting words where they don't make sense. For example "donut" and "cheerio" will make random appearances in his stories, and he cracks himself up with that. His sense of humor is growing and it is amazing to watch the things that he finds funny. He has a y-bike scooter that he is getting really good on. I like watching him ride it and seeing him sink down a bit into a better center of gravity, shifting his body weight around to steer it, and then playing with different balancing acts when he is stopped. I watch him now and wonder if he will someday be in the X-Games or something like that, and I'll be there watching him and remembering these early spring days on his little green scooter in the driveway. That's how my brain works, I see the kids do something and think "Someday I'll look back on this as the start of ...." whatever I might imagine up at that moment. I wonder if others do this or if it is just another element of my weirdness?

Jacob has had his first word, his first step, and has weaned himself from nursing...and he did all three of those on the same day! It was April 19, we were home together because day care was closed that day for teacher training. While Kaleb was napping, Jacob and I were playing in the liviing room. He picked up a ball and held it out to me and announced "BALL!" Hurray! First word and I was here to see it! An hour later he was holding on to the coffee table when he let go and took his first steps to try and walk to me. YES! First steps and I was there to see them! That night before bed I went to nurse him and he turned away and looked at the spot on his nightstand where I sometimes would put a bottle for him. That was a happy and a sad. Happy because it meant I had that much more of my independence and freedom back. Sad because, well, because he is my baby and this meant I am done breast feeding now. Most likely forever. But, happy outweighed the sad, because seriously, that is a lot of freedom back for me. No more worrying about what I eat or when I drink, or if/when I have caffeine. No more pump or nursing pads. But, I digress. Jacob still prefers crawling as his mode of transport, although just this morning he was really cruising around the house holding on to different things.

Since my last post, I attended a class called Apothecary Basics, which was all about using plants and herbs for medicine. Before attending the class I had read Jean Auel's Clan of the Cave Bear series. In it the main character, Ayla, is a medicine woman and she was always gathering plants to make tea and broth to take care of people. Have I mentioned I'm the biggest dork in the world?? So, went to this class with my friend Angie and we are both hooked. I've been playing with different tea formulas and making all kiinds of different homemade stuff. I've made bubble bath for the kids, bug spray, cleaining solution, and diaper rash cream so far. It is so fun to me to read up on what different plants do and then learn how I can make my own products! Our next adventure is to take a class on foraging and start learning how to identify plants by sight in the wild. I've already harvested some dandelion root from my backyard, cleaned it, and used it in the tea blend I make for Kyle. That is just so much fun to me!

Okay, going to consider this caught up for now. And I sincerely hope to see you all again very very soon in a future post!