Heart Smile

One of the best sounds in my entire world is the way my son says "Momma" when he is in my arms, just as he is falling asleep. His sleepy little voice, so trusting and so adorably sweet, more of a sigh than a statement. It makes my heart smile and I can't wait for bedtime tonight so I can hopefully hear it again!!

An Average Day or Screw the Chore

On an average day, I wake up at 5:30 to start the coffee, get myself ready, lunch packed, dogs tended, and Kaleb's day care bag loaded up before he wakes up and demands my full attention. We are out the door by 7:00 on a good day, 7:20 on an average day. I take him to day care, usually having to pull over to retrieve a sippy cup/pacifier/breakfast/lovey that has been thrown by a tantrum-prone toddler who hates the car seat right now. On arrival at day care, I fill the teacher in on how he slept and if/what he ate for breakfast. Then I'm out the door and racing to make it to my desk at work by 8:00.

I spend the day at work in training, meetings, projects, emails, chatter with co-workers, etc. The standard office setting and environment. At 5:00 I'm back on the road to pick Kaleb up, hear the report from his teacher on his day, and wrestle him back into his car seat for the drive home. He will either (usually) fuss and cry because he is tired and doesn't want to have to sit in the seat, or (occasionally) he will fall asleep.

Once home I haul Kaleb, all his gear, and all my gear into the house, trying to find a place to set everything down on the table that, no matter how hard I try, is ALWAYS cluttered. Kaleb wants to eat dinner immediately, I usually get him set up with something in his high chair and then rush to change out of my work clothes while still trying to keep on eye on him so he doesn't stand up and fall out of his high chair..he knows how to get out of the safety belt thingy. The dogs are whining to be let out, but if I let them out Kaleb will feed all his dinner to them. If I let them out and then make them go outside, they will stand at the door and whine/bark which makes me feel guilty, like I might be ruining the neighbors' evenings.

I try each night to focus my attention on my son, and on the nights I fail at this it is very clear in his behavior. He wants Momma all to himself and "Just let me finish cutting up these veggies for our dinner later" makes zero sense to a 16 month old.

Kyle is usually home by 6:15, which helps divert some of Kaleb's attention. We have play time and/or family walk if the weather is nice. We start bath at 7:30, usually governed by Dada so that I can clean the kitchen, fold laundry, vacuum, wash sippy cups, prep dinner, or whatever other standard-issue household chores need to be done. Bed time is 8:00, I dry Kaleb from bath, brush his teeth (which he *hates* and fights with all his strength), put on PJ's, read anywhere from 3-6 books, many of them more than once, and then it is into bed with Kaleb and out the door for me.

I confess that most of the time between after work and bed time, I am thinking about bed time and how much stuff needs to be done before my day is done and I can rest. I hate this reality so very much. Because, as soon as Kaleb is in his bed and I'm out that door I start to miss him. I have a hard time transitioning from Work to Home each night. I know I need to be in the moment with Kaleb, I know I need to forget the million things that need to be done and just focus on playing with him, and I'm able to do this at about 70% right now. But that's not enough. It's crazy to me how much I miss him once he is asleep. Each night I vow I'm going to do better tomorrow. Then tomorrow hits, at 5:30 AM, and I end up back in the same pattern.

This started a post to capture my thoughts on the two opposite sides of motherhood for me. How I spend a lot of time checking the clock to see if it is bed time yet and to see if I can maybe squeeze in one more chore without Kaleb noticing I'm not paying attention to him. And then, how much I miss my baby as soon as I get him to sleep for the night and how much I wish I had said "screw the chore, let's build that tower". I need to let that "screw the chore" side of me win more than the 70% I've been working with. An average day as the mother of my son is filled with such potential for magic, I need to remember that!

Does "Magically Balance It All" count as a 5-year plan?

My boss wants me to complete something called an Individual Development Plan, everyone at my work has to do this. The point of it is to lay out my career goals for the next 3-5 years, to state where I want to be and then come up with a list of steps I'll take to get there. When she asked me "So, where do you want to be in 5 years?" I said something like "Well, I think it would help if I had any idea of what my current role is...haha" or something like that (I've been operating with no job description for a little under a year now, kind of a floater filling in on all kinds of projects, cool but draining when it comes to exercises like this one). But, I digress. The issue, the reason this is post worthy, is that I am at the point where I might just need to make some decisions. And, the scary part, I may need to actually start voicing my desires.

For almost 2 years now, since I found out I was pregnant, I have been wrestling internally with the answer to this question. Before my pregnancy I was on the fast track. At the risk of sounding like an ass, I'm really good at what I do, I have the talent, skills, and initiative to go far in my field. I knew I would eventually start a family and that, at that distant time in the future, I would need to scale back career. With Kaleb being a surprise, I was left needing to re-figure my plan, and that is proving to be challenging.

I don't see myself keeping a heavy focus on career, I need to slow it down because I want my focus to be on my child, and future children. I already know this to be true, but I don't know how to make that happen. Because, you see, I'm not okay with completely leaving my career behind and becoming a full time SAHM, at least I'm not to that point yet, things could change, but for now I still see myself as being somehow involved in my field while at the same time raising my family. I also don't want to be "Career Mom" who works 8-5 every day and has to miss out on soccer games and Parent Day at school. I need to find a way to balance my career and my family.

And, while I am fully aware that I'm not the first woman to face this dilemma, it IS a new one to me and I am struggling with deciding on a plan.

Aaaaand, Mr. Amazing Husband has just plated our dinner for tonight, so its time to manage the third role in my life, Wife :) More on this topic to come, for sure!