Bookmarks and reflections

It is easy to get caught up in what you want your children to learn, know, be, think, feel etc. One of the primary intentions I use for my meditation practice and my daily mindfulness work is a strong desire to see my children as they are, not as I want or imagine them to be. I think as parents we over indulge our desires a bit with the kids, allowing our own bias and dreams to cloud over our perception until we are left only seeing a projection when we are looking at our kids.

I try to be vigilent when I am with them, on the look out for projections of my own and bringing myself over and over again back into the present moment with them. My kids continually provide me amazing lessons in living in the here and now, absorbing fully each moment. If I watch and pattern after them, I am squarely in the present. Especially with Jacob as he is still 4. Kaleb is nearing 7 now, the age when many say the concept of 'self as separate' starts to really emerge. Piaget calls it the Concrete Operational phase, which is when the mind becomes developed enough to understand that what they think can be different from what another thinks and experiences. All that to say, while he retains much of his innocence, some of it is fading as Kaleb matures. And I know Jacob is right behind him.

In the interest of catching these little clues to who my kids really are at their core, I need to capture a couple observations on Jacob from the past week.

First, the bookmark. One day he brought me a small colored piece of paper home from school. He'd used markers to add colorful lines and shapes and it came home with him from his little folder at day care. When he gave it to me, I remarked on how he'd used so many colors and it was so interesting to see them all together, and then set it aside (me trying to not praise with the 'good job' and focus more on the decisions and efforts he'd put into it). Later that evening Jacob, seeking to be helfpul I think, brought me one of the books I am reading and handed it to me. I was standing next to his color sheet and I said "Oh hey! Look at how perfect your picture is as a bookmark for my book!" and I put the colored little paper in as a book mark and told Jacob now everytime I looked at it I would smile and think of how thoughtful he was when he made me that picture. Since that day, he has brought me home no less than three new "bookmarks" every day. He proudly presents them to me, and even goes so far as to tell me exactly what book of mine he made them for. I am moved by the sensitive heart that lead him to observe how happy a bookmark made me and to then find a way to bring me more happiness. I'm awed by his intuitive paying attention to these things, even to the level of knowing which of the hundreds of books in this house are the ones I am currently reading through. Such an observant and sensitive heart.

Second, the unsolicited accountability. This past Thursday I had a dentist appointment at 8 AM. I knew this would mean a high potential for stress that morning, needing to get the boys ready and out the door while also ensuring I was ready for work before leaving since I was going straight to the office from the dentist appointment. On Wednesday night at dinner I had a conversation with the boys about how the next morning would be a potentially stressful one for mom, and that I really needed their help. this is a strategy I try to use whenever I can, talk about the situation or potential for high emotions before we are in the thick of it. We talked about what we would do if they didn't feel like getting up when I told them it was time (Jacob: do it anyway! Kaleb: stretch and yawn and think about how yummy breakfast will be) what we'd do if they felt like playing hide and seek when it was time to get in the car (both: just don't!) and what would happen if Mommy started getting irritated or stressed out (Mommy: I will tell you what I feel like, Kaleb: We will listen and try to help, Jacob: I will hug you) So, here comes Thursday morning and of course, it goes exactly like I'd anticipated...not according to plan. Jacob had a hell of a time with going along with the routine, dug in and refused to get dressed. I got stressed and told him I was feeling annoyed because i really needed help and it seemed like he wasn't willing to help me. It did not go smoothly, but between my ongoing nagging and my need to carry him to the car and put his shoes on his feet for him, we got out the door and everyone got to where they needed to be on time. Then, that night after school, Jacob came home and walked over to me. Standing next to me he says "Mommy? I was thinking and next time we have a dentist appointment, I am going to do everything you say and whatever you need for me to be a good helper. Okay?" and my heart blew up. No one else knew what had happened that morning, there is no way another adult could have coached him to that. He had reflected all by himself, come up with the challenge, and then came up with a way to do it different next time. AND he then shared it with me without me having to ask at all. I love his  heart so much :)

When Mom is wrong

The boys are 6 and 4 these days, life looks a lot different than it did in my earlier days on this blog. Now they are able to be responsible for getting themselves dressed for day care or school in the morning, along with many other new capabilities. This has truly been game changing, I love the new found independence and capabilities we're discovering every day! Wanted to capture a quick moment from this morning, as a means of preserving the memory and reminding my future self that it is okay to get things wrong as long as we're willing to go back and fix them wherever we can.

Some mornings are more challenging than others. Some days I wake up rested and calm, these are the days I make breakfast with a smile, sip coffee and read news while the boys watch a cartoon, and then gently encourage them through the getting dressed and into the car process. today was not one of those days. Today was the kind of morning where I wake up already a little angry with the world, but with seemingly no specific reason, just a general simmering anger.

I have a friend I've talked about this phenomenon with and we describe it as just looking around the world and waiting for someone or something to give us a target for the anger we're carrying around. Kind of sitting and watching and almost wishing someone would say something stupid so we could lash out and expend all the negative energy. It's pretty awesome to have friends in your life who hear your story and respond with a loud "Me TOO!!" But I digress...back to this morning.

I've worked hard on being mindful of moments, all the moments, good and bad. Tuning in to my emotions and general moods so I can learn about how they impact the way I interact with my world. So when I wake up like today I do immediately sense it and fully understand that this is just a passing emotion, and that (as I say to both boys all the time) It is okay to feel angry, it is not okay to hurt another person because of it. I wish I lived up to it perfectly, but I don't and so I use my failings to teach the boys how to deal with it when they inevitably fail to live up to what they expect from themselves.

Today is pajama day at day care, and Kaleb wasn't sure if he still had to wear his summer camp t-shirt or if he could wear a normal shirt with his pj pants. I told him to wear the summer camp shirt and that he could pick out and bring along a normal shirt to change into if we found out he didn't need to wear the camp shirt. With my "come on come on, we need to go, mama needs to get to work" frantic demands, the getting of the back up shirt didn't happen.

We realized this when I walked Kaleb to his class and saw all his friends in normal shirts, and my sweet little Kaleb did not say a single word to me about how disappointed he was that we forgot his shirt. I could see it on his face, but he smiled and gave me my high-five goodbye (yes, we are officially at the age where it isn't cool to kiss your mom in front of friends) and off he went. I took Jacob to his class and got in my car to head to the office.

But I couldn't shake my disappointment in letting my own foul mood get in the way of helping Kaleb this morning. Was it technically his responsibility to remember that back up shirt? Absolutely! We work hard to make sure these boys don't grow up thinking Mom is in charge of that stuff. I'm here to support and help, but they are responsible for where their stuff is. Still, I knew my darker mood and pressuring for the boys to hurry up and get ready was a contributor to the forgetting. Kaleb was focused on complying with my commands, and he did so with excellent speed and hustle. but the look on his face when he realized we' forgot his favorite Star Wars shirt that goes with his Star Wars pj's pants, well that just kinda broke my heart a bit.

Instead of heading to the office, I went home and got that shirt out his dresser. I drove straight back to his day care and asked his teachers if I could borrow him for a moment. When he came into the hallway I knelt down and held the Star Wars shirt out. I told him I knew how much he wanted to wear that shirt today, and that I was sorry that I was so focused on myself this morning that I forgot to be a good helper to him. I told him I had watched how hard he worked this morning to help me out by not only getting himself ready but by also helping his little brother. I asked him if he could forgive me for breaking the rule about not letting our anger hurt someone else. He just stared at me, right in my eyes and nodded, with this look of serious thinking on his face. Then, after a few seconds, he smiled and gave me a high five for bringing the shirt to him. I told him he could go change quick in the bathroom and bring me back his summer camp shirt so I could bring it with me.

This struck me as the example I'll want in the future for how sometimes Mom is wrong. I want my kids to see their parents getting things wrong because I want my kids to see their parents role modeling the way to respond after we get something wrong. Not blaming the other person (your shirt, your responsibility!) while also not taking everything back on themselves (I apologized for not being a better helper, not for forgetting to bring the shirt for him). I want to be the kind of mom that narrates my life for my kids, so they can get a front row seat to what it means to make mistakes and what it means to work to correct them wherever we can. I hope that is what I was able to show Kaleb today.

Sometimes Mom is wrong, too. That's okay. Because Mom is a person just like everyone else, and everyone gets it wrong sometimes. The lesson isn't about not getting it wrong, it's about knowing what to do to try to put things as much back to right as we can.