Here we go again

I'm 4-5 days post ovulation. We were "active" for the 4 days leading up to and including ovulation. It is Friday night and since late afternoon I have been experiencing some mild cramping in my lower abdomen. This could be implantation cramping. I'm not due for my period for 9-10 more days. I'm excited and nervous and apprehensive because I could just be imagining this. I'm not imagining this, but I just don't want to get my hopes up. I want this so damn bad. I need to be patient. I need to remember that, even if there is a tiny little bean implanting in my uterus right now, it might not stick. I'm trying really hard to not let this drive me bat shit crazy right now. I think the tone of this email, the short sentences, the lack of emoticons or exclamation points, is betraying my calm exterior. I want a baby, I've wanted a baby for 17 months now. Yes I've only been trying for 2 of those months, but I've been aching for another infant for so long. I do love Kaleb so much, but I just really want to be pregnant again. I'm scared that if I do get pregnant I'm still going to get my period. This is where my head and heart are at right now. Supposed to wait until Mon or Tues to take the HPT, I don't know that I'm going to be able to hold out.

This is now, but think about what it means for "then"

I'm reading a book called Unconditional Parenting right now, just starting it actually, so I'm still in the intro part. The author, Alfie Kohn, is discussing how many parenting techniques focus on producing 'obedient' children, kids who do what they are told, when they are told, and don't cause too much disruption or inconvenience to the adults in their lives. I confess, I am guilty of sometimes wanting this from Kaleb "Just sit down and be quiet and play nicely with the toy!" or something along those lines. Kohn has issued a challenge to me (the reader) to stop and consider the kind of person I want Kaleb to be when he is older, what character traits do I want him to possess? Once you know that, then compare that with what you are teaching them to be now. Here is an excerpt that I particularly like where he shares something another author says to parents who complain that their teenagers don't stand up to peer pressure:

"Author Barbara Coloroso remarks that she's often heard parents of teenagers complain, 'He was such a good kid, so well behaved, so well mannered, so well dressed. Now look at him!' To this, she replies:

From the time he was young, he dressed the way you told him to dress; he acted he way you told him to act; he said the things you told him to say. He's been listening to somebody else tell him what to do...He hasn't changed. He is still listening to somebody else tell him what to do. The problem is, it isn't you anymore; it's his peers."

That's as far as I've read so far, so I'm not sure if he is going in the direction I assume he is when I read that. To me it is a perfect wake-up call as I navigate temper tantrums and Kaleb's emerging sense of Me, Mine, I...self. Because, when I stop to think about the traits I want him to possess as a teen, young adult, grown man, I can see the development of those traits already taking place. Self-reliance, curiousity, willing to stand up for what he wants even when no one else agrees with him. There are more, but to name a few. I really appreciate this perspective on my current situation. Not that the tantrums and the "do it self" or the "it has to only be that sippy cup, I don't care that it is dirty and you have an identical one that is clean, I only want THAAAAAAT ONE!!" or all the other nuances to his behavior lately aren't challenging. But, when I put them in the long-term perspective and project out into the future what the underlying drivers of these current behaviors are, I can see that he is shaping up to be quite an amazing person.

A tad rambly, wanted to get that captured before I lost the sentiment :)

2 Beers or Not 2 Beers, that is my question

If my cycle was early civilization, this weekend would be the fertile crescent...yeah, sorry, that's so lame. I'm trying hard not to get obsessed, to just take it easy and trust that whatever is meant to happen is exactly what is going to happen, no matter what I think or do or feel. There is a small amount of control I can exert on this baby #2 journey, but only to a point. At some point I just need to let go and let God, I know this. I know that stressing and obsessing about fertility and timing is counter-productive and that I just need to chill the F out. But it is hard. really hard. (that's what she said...sorry, couldn't pass that one up)

I am due to ovulate in the next few days, so now is the time of trying with a purpose. In only two more weeks I will know if this month was a success or if we are going on month 3. I know it is whiney and ridiculous to have any sadness or disappointment over having to maybe wait more than two months. Please don't think I don't fully comprehend the blessings I already have in my life. I have a healthy, amazing, beautiful baby who I adore. I know how truly blessed I am to have this, and I know that there are many many couples out there who would scoff at my daring to feel disappointment over having to wait more than two months. In the grand scheme of things, if I had to wait a year, or if we aren't blessed with another pregnancy, I know I still come out ahead of the game. That said, I think it is valid to feel disappointment, so long as I keep it in perspective.

Tonight we are going to the at-home reception for the wedding we went to in Jamaica. There will be alcohol. For me not to drink would definitely raise some eyebrows, not that that matters at all, most things I do cause at least someone's eyebrows to crawl up their foreheads ;) Anecdotal suggestions from people who have tried to conceive for months then had success would tell me to have a few drinks, relax, enjoy myself. Medical fear-mongering (probably a little dramatic of a term, but I'm sensitive right now and the reading I just did annoyed me a bit) would tell me that being in the presence of alcohol will cause every egg in my body to shrivel and die instantly and forever dash my baby hopes. (again, gross exaggeration, but I'm confused and battling a raging baby feva right now so I'm entitled) I'd love to catch a mild (2 - 3 beers) buzz, enjoy the company of friends I don't get to see often enough, and then come home and rest with a clear conscience. And, yes, I can have fun without alcohol, but let's be frank here, not as much fun when everyone around you is kicking back ice cold beers and laughing a little too hard at jokes and stories.

But, if I do indulge and follow the "relax, stop worrying about it, and it will happen because you won't be as stressed" advice and then we don't get pregnant this month, I know I'm going to blame myself and my selfish decision to drink. Then again, if I abstain completely tonight and we don't get pregnant this month then I am going to blame myself and my futile attempt to exert complete control over something I don't have complete control over. Good heavens, if this is me going into month 2, what am I going to look/sound like when we are starting tracking on month 12?

This house is cleeee-auh!

It would appear that Kaleb's 10+ day streak of clinging to me and dissolving into tears and fits over any frustration has passed, praise the Lord!! Yesterday and today I got 'good reports' from day care (meaning he didn't bite, hit, or push any friends and didn't raise hell for his teachers) and our mornings and nights have been pleasant and full of giggles and smiles again. It is sooo great to have my sunshine boy back to his happy self. What changed? I have two theories:

1. I've immersed myself in reading about temperament, age-appropriate behavior for toddlers, and realistic expectations for parents to hold. This has helped in a number of ways. I've got a richer and more accurate vocabulary now to use when thinking about Kaleb's behavior, I have a better understanding of the world from his perspective, and, perhaps the most helpful of all, I know that this is completely normal behavior and that we aren't at all the only parents who experience this. I've come across an arsenal of parent-tested tips and ideas for preventing, avoiding, weathering, and picking up the pieces after meltdowns. Just reading the stories of other parents who have navigated the toddler years with an active, perceptive, low frustration tolerance child has been beneficial in helping me feel less helpless, less alone, and less embarrassed by the major meltdowns. All this has caused me to step back, objectively (or at least as objectively as possible) consider Kaleb's behavior and my reactions to it, and see specific things I can do to help him manage his frustrations and emotions. I'm sure that my own approach and attitude adjustment have made a difference in my own perception of Kaleb and his actions.

2. Whatever demon had possessed my sweet angel boy has grown tired of torturing me and has moved on to some other poor unsuspecting family.

Whichever of the two options it was, I'm feeling better, more confident, and ready for whatever comes next. Also, a little apprehensive of whatever comes next, cuz ya know it is going to be something! One phase down, on the next, whatever that may be!

I swear, it's a one way street!!

I don't think Kaleb believes me that he can't crawl back into the uterus! For 8 looooong days now we have been dealing with a clingy, all Mommy all the time little boy. I'm not certain what is going on, but if I'm not carrying him or in some other way attached to him he is on the floor going into meltdown. This could be the backlash from our trip. This could also be some regression due to the verbal and physical advances he's made in the last few weeks. He is talking up a storm now, and mimics everything I say, which is both fun and scary. He is walking on tip-toe and running very well. I've read that this is also the age where he really starts to grasp the idea that he is an individual person, separate from me. I love him so much, but I'd be lying if I said this phase isn't wearing me down. Kyle tries to help, but Kaleb wants nothing to do with anyone but me right now. I keep reminding myself that this is a phase, it will pass.

I mentioned last week that I was going to start food journaling, and I've made it a full week. I am very happy to report a 6 pound weight loss this week!! With Kaleb being so needy I haven't been able to keep up the exercise, so these results are a great surprise :)

In other news, Kari and JB had their baby yesterday! Avery Ann Ryan, a beautiful little girl. Everyone is doing great, Frank and Annette are traveling down tomorrow for a couple weeks. We will plan a visit to introduce Kaleb to his new cousin around Labor Day. I confess, there have been some waves of jealousy. It's embarrassing to admit, because I'm really happy for them. I just really have some wicked baby fever going and I can't wait for it to be my turn again. Just thought I'd keep myself honest by sharing that here.

Well that there's yer problem!

Well, no BFP and I'm 99% sure the red devil has flared it's ugly head as of late last night. I did get caught up in some Google searching of implantation bleeding, but I don't think that's the case this time around. More on that in a bit.

I went back through the app on my phone I've been using to track cycles and predict fertility. Looks like my cycle is 26 days, not 28. Which means I ovulated 2-3 days earlier than I actually thought I did lsat time. And those 2-3 days early were right when we were traveling home (no mile high club this time around) and then the actual ovulation was the day after we got home. I was caught up with Kaleb and Kyle was immediately back to work. We took a couple days "off" just for logistical reasons, thinking we had until Saturday anyway. So, if the math is right, we weren't having sex at all during the 3 days up to and including ovulation, it was the only 3 days we took "off" for pretty much all of June. figures.

So, with my app updated and after verifying this through another source (just in case the app is flawed) I'm due to ovulate again around the 26th of this month, a Tuesday. We'll see if we have better results now that we have a better picture of what is actually happeneing.

On the implantation bleeding vs. period front: noticed a small amount of blood when I stopped in the bathroom on the way out of work last night. Between then and bedtime it was nothing a panty liner couldn't handle. I also had some minor cramping. With Kaleb I had implantation bleeding that was significant enough for me to mistake it for a light period, which is why I went 2 cycles before suspecting something was up. So, there is still a very slim chance that this is more of that. I'm not hopeful, but I'm saving my "bottle of red to drown out the sorrow of the red" wine a little longer. When the bleeding/spotting stops I will take anohter HPT to be sure. I expect to see that lonely single line, and then I'll get good and tosated. I cried a bit last night, I'll cry again then. And then I'll buck up, take a long look at my sweet amazing Kaleb, and get ready to climb back in the saddle (pun intended) in a couple weeks.

Kyle was great about it last night. He isn't usually very "into" this gig, I burned him out on baby talk a few months ago (i've been obsessing and ready for this for over a year now!). But, with the clingy Kaleb thing going on (perhaps another post on that later) and then the mix of hope and depression over the implantation bleeding or period thing, I was quite sad and down in the dumps last night. He sat next to me, reminded me that stress is the enemy of fertility (he just can't help himself, he is wired to solve problems, not listen to them). I told him I wasn't stressed, I had been excited, and so this was a let down. I told him I understand it is unlikely to happen the first time, but logic doesn't really help with emotion. He reached over and rubbed my back for a bit, told me he was ready and willing and we would have another baby soon, then he just let me cry. It's good to feel understood.

I've also got a great friend who is just starting to track cycles and take temperatures (oh yeah, I'll be doing that this round as well). So she and I had a chat about it all yesterday. It really helps to have someone else to go through this with who speaks the language, has read the articles, and all that stuff. K, enough for today.

A few of my favorite things

First, no BFP yet. Today is 7 or 8 days past ovulation, so if there is a little zygote floating around in there it should be implanting into my uterine wall in the next couple of days. If there is not, then I will know by this time next week. Seeing that single line show up on that HPT morning after morning is somewhat discouraging, but this is only the first month out of the gate. I need to manage my expectations and realize it takes some couples a year or more to conceive.

In the meantime, I am having sooo much fun with Kaleb these days. What a cool age and stage he is at right now! Here are a few of my favorite current happenings with my handsome little man:

*"Ohh yeeeaaahh??" This is what I would say just before tickling Kaleb. Now, when he wants to play tickle monster he will run just out of reach of me and say it. I love that he initiates play with me!

*"Eh-skee-me!" Kaleb's version of 'excuse me'. He says it after he burps or coughs, and it is adorable! He also says it after Kyle and I do either of those, so he is our little manners patrol these days.

*"Bess-you!" Says this after he sneezes, but not after anyone else does...we're still working on developing the understanding of what 'bless you' is really for, but for now it is pretty cute to see a toddler sneeze then say 'bess you!'

*"Mommy help!" and "Mommy fix it!" said with complete confidence that I will be able to help with or fix whatever the problem may be. It is an amazing feeling being that important in someone's world. Kaleb has so much trust in me being there for him. I love to sit and watch him go out and explore his world, serving as that anchor point that he can run back to every now and again for a kiss, a hug, to show a cool rock to, or to help when something doesn't work like he expects it to.

*Continuing on the above theme, Kaleb has so much trust in me, and also in Kyle. We took him swimming yesterday and Kyle was in the pool with him practicing going under water (first time we tried this, total success!) You can just see the level of trust he has in his daddy. If Kyle had his arms around him, then Kaleb wasn't scared to try anything. I know nature plays a big role in temperament, but I also personally acknowledge the role of nurture. Observing Kaleb at play makes me feel proud of the job Kyle and I have done in nurturing his natural curiosity and the work we have done to teach him that the world is a fun and exciting place just waiting to be explored.

Today we are heading to Cascade Park to do some recon work. Kyle is hosting his company picnic there in a few weeks so we are going to check it out from that perspective. It will also be a great chance for Kaleb to play on all that super fun playground equipment :)

Baby Wait and Baby Weight

I cheated. I took a HPT yesterday morning and this morning, even though I'm supposed to wait until tomorrow morning at the very earliest. Both tests so far were negative, and I shouldn't be surprised and I shouldn't be let down because they are supposed to be negative right now. But, alas, I felt some mild disappointment. It doesn't help that I have been having ridiculously vivid and constant dreams about getting a positive test. My brain is messing with me big time! Based on the science, it can take up to 3 days from ovulation for fertilization can occur, and then something like 3 to even 10 days for that fertilized egg to float around in my uterus before it implants into the uterine wall. Once implantation happens, the hormone HCG starts to be produced. This is what a HPT is looking for in your urine. The presence of HCG will result in a positive test. So, there could be a fertilized egg floating around in there right now, or there could not and I just will have to keep testing until I get that positive or until I get that period. I'm still holding onto the "it is okay if it doesn't work the first time, there is always next month and the month after that". But, as a member of the instant gratification world we all live in these days, I'd be lying if I didn't tell you I do really want it just to work this first time.

However, if it doesn't work this time, then at least I have a little bit more time to try to take this weight off before having to worry about growing another human. I'm getting pretty frustrated with the weight loss efforts. I swear I don't eat crap food, and I have worked out an average of 30-45 minutes for 6 days a week since June, with the week off for vacation. And before that I was getting 30-45 minutes in about 4 days a week since May. But my weight hasn't budged. Not one single pound. What the heck is going on?? Even 2 pounds would help me feel like the time I spend every night after work ignoring my son so I can exercise will be worth it in the long run. So, I'm starting to food journal, as of yesterday. It did stop me from eating a handful of gummy bears. I was reaching for them then stopped to check the calories, knowing I'd have to write them down the minute they crossed my lips. So, maybe that will be the difference maker. Maybe, just maybe, I wasn't doing as well as I thought I was on the diet part. And I've heard and read for years that weight loss is about 80-90% diet. But it is just so crappy to have worked out so hard, we are talking high-intensity interval training here, and see nothing for it. And, as mean and nasty and catty as this is, I get super jealous and even mildly depressed when I see other new moms who have lost all the baby weight and look amazing just a few months after giving birth. I know, all women are different, but I wish I didn't have to be the fat one. I tell myself that those women were very strict and disciplined during their pregnancy, unlike my indulgent self who packed on 67 pounds. ugghhh, stupid body image issues.

Anyway, food journaling now and by this time next week I will either be happy to report a new pregnancy or happy to report some weight loss. I am stubbornly holding out hope that one of those is GOING to be true in just one more week.

Strangely Zen

I posted earlier about how hard it would be to spend this week waiting to take the HPT on Saturday. Instead I am surprisingly calm and not all that anxious. I've done lot's of reading and know that conceiving the first month you start trying is about a 1 in 5 chance. I kind of feel okay with the idea that it might not have worked this time around. There is always next month, and that would mean I could partake in the icy cold beers at Kyle's work picnic and at the wedding reception we have coming up this month.

I'm sure if the test is negative I will feel some disappointment, but right now I don't think it is going to be as big of a deal as I originally thought it would be. We are at a great spot family-wise right now. Kaleb is 18 months and pretty easy to take care of for the most part. His schedule is predictable, he has all kinds of words so I can understand what he needs and wants, and he can go all kinds of fun places with us and all I really need to do to get out of the house is refresh his sippy cup and grap the diaper bag. These are the things I think of when I consider that our due date may shift from late March to late April or even May. I'm okay with that,at least at this moment.

That said, since Saturday I have had two very vivid dreams centered on positive HPT's. Today I am more tired than usual and I am feeling slight nausea, the kind where you want to take deep breaths and just kind of hold still. I realize this could easily be a psychosomatic thing since being pregnant has been on my mind constantly this week. But, there ya have it. I'm supposed to wait until Saturday morning to pee on the stick, but I just found a box with a couple tests in it and I think I might just go ahead and try tomorrow morning...as another wave of nausea rolls over me just now. What if?? What if I am pregnant right now?!?! This is so exciting!

Kaleb's week at Grandma and Grandpa Remsburg's house

To capture the fun-filled week Kaleb spent at the Remsburg's house while we were in Jamaica, I'm going to just copy and paste in the great email updates that Annette sent me throughout the week.

Monday, 6/20
Hi Sarah and Kyle,

We had a pleasant stroll, a fun bath (after loading and re-loading the little truck with wood chips) and a nice normal bedtime. Everybody we saw on our walk says he is sooo cute with his big brown eyes!

Tomorrow we plan to be at the Gardens for morning play time and then home for a nap.We appreciate all of the instructions and equipment you provided.

Have a great trip...congrats to Kevin!!

Love,

Gwamma and Papa

Tuesday, 6/21
Hi guys,

Hope you have arrived at your destination and found it to be as beautiful as you remembered. Here's just a few quick notes about our busy day:
first had a big breakfast and then checked out the big trucks and backhoes on the construction site;
10 - 12 at the Gardens where Kaleb helped out with storytime and climbed the treehouse stairs a couple times;
nap and good lunch;
Cascade library petting zoo and playtime;
good snack and another stroll (and another brief nap);
not much dinner but drank his milk by bedtime (now).

Tomorrow morning we plan to go to stroytime at the library for toddlers 3 and under and grab some swimmie dipes if the weather is good.

Lots of rain this eve--our road looked like a river. Hope your weather is great!!

Love,

Papa and Gwamma

Wednesday, 6/22
Hi Sarah and Kyle,

We just wrapped up a nice day; filled with a variety of things to do. After a cucumber and fruit, yogert and peanut toast breakfast, we went to the kids time at the library (lots of kids to watch and interact with) then couple shopping stops. A good lunch, great nap and a walk in between rain showers and that covered the afternoon. This eve, we headed to a fun night at church. This included face painting, (Kaleb had a butterfly painted on the back of one hand...but that wasn't enough so the second hand had to get a butterfly too...wow; very cool!), jumbo chalk coloring, dancing, and a nice meal wrapped up with Culvers ice cream (yogert). Bedtime was relatively smooth and peaceful with favorite books on Gwanma's lap.

We're now having R & R before hitting the sack.

We trust the swim up refreshment stand is getting plenty of business and dive outing was enjoyable and fun.

Love,

Pa Pa and Gwanma R

Friday, 6/24
We hope you're having a great time. As we recall, the wedding was scheduled for today...hope it went off without a hitch, so to say. We also hope your weather has been better than around these parts. It's been a very wet and cool week. The sun has come out in just the last little bit; first time in several days and we barely made it into the mid 60's. But that hasn't slowed us down any. We're getting in plenty of play time, several walks each day and good book-time and great eats too. Kaleb seems to be managing his PaPa and Gwanma pretty well. He tells us 'more', 'outside', 'passy' and other very important instructions. Our neighbors just can't believe how adorable he is and very expressive too. He is always ready to say 'Hi' and 'Bye'.

With a great looking forecast coming, we plan to head to Stony for Sat and Sun and return midday Mon. Everything is going very well and we can tell how well you have done with him and encouraged his sense of wellbeing and exploration.

Our love,

PaPa and Gwanma R

If you believe in signs and all

According to my phone app and the ovulation predictor kit I bought, this is the big weekend. Yesterday afternoon I felt a mild pain in the side of my abdomen. When I was reading online this morning about trying to conceive I learned that some women feel this type of pain upon ovulation. Could be I imagined it because it is all I've been thinking about lately. This morning I woke up to see that the first flower has bloomed on my lily. I'm reading a series of books right now with a lot of magic and omens and all that kind of good stuff, so my imagination is running rampant on all that fuel! The first thought in my head when I saw that single first bloom this morning was "Wow! Talk about a great omen for fertility!" Yes, I know, I am a little off my rocker, but there you have it :)
In other news, Jamaica was fabulous and I'll probably need to just do a separate post to capture all of that. I'll also be posting later with the email updates that Annette sent about their time with Kaleb, he was such a good boy for them and they had all kinds of great adventures!