Bookmarks and reflections

It is easy to get caught up in what you want your children to learn, know, be, think, feel etc. One of the primary intentions I use for my meditation practice and my daily mindfulness work is a strong desire to see my children as they are, not as I want or imagine them to be. I think as parents we over indulge our desires a bit with the kids, allowing our own bias and dreams to cloud over our perception until we are left only seeing a projection when we are looking at our kids.

I try to be vigilent when I am with them, on the look out for projections of my own and bringing myself over and over again back into the present moment with them. My kids continually provide me amazing lessons in living in the here and now, absorbing fully each moment. If I watch and pattern after them, I am squarely in the present. Especially with Jacob as he is still 4. Kaleb is nearing 7 now, the age when many say the concept of 'self as separate' starts to really emerge. Piaget calls it the Concrete Operational phase, which is when the mind becomes developed enough to understand that what they think can be different from what another thinks and experiences. All that to say, while he retains much of his innocence, some of it is fading as Kaleb matures. And I know Jacob is right behind him.

In the interest of catching these little clues to who my kids really are at their core, I need to capture a couple observations on Jacob from the past week.

First, the bookmark. One day he brought me a small colored piece of paper home from school. He'd used markers to add colorful lines and shapes and it came home with him from his little folder at day care. When he gave it to me, I remarked on how he'd used so many colors and it was so interesting to see them all together, and then set it aside (me trying to not praise with the 'good job' and focus more on the decisions and efforts he'd put into it). Later that evening Jacob, seeking to be helfpul I think, brought me one of the books I am reading and handed it to me. I was standing next to his color sheet and I said "Oh hey! Look at how perfect your picture is as a bookmark for my book!" and I put the colored little paper in as a book mark and told Jacob now everytime I looked at it I would smile and think of how thoughtful he was when he made me that picture. Since that day, he has brought me home no less than three new "bookmarks" every day. He proudly presents them to me, and even goes so far as to tell me exactly what book of mine he made them for. I am moved by the sensitive heart that lead him to observe how happy a bookmark made me and to then find a way to bring me more happiness. I'm awed by his intuitive paying attention to these things, even to the level of knowing which of the hundreds of books in this house are the ones I am currently reading through. Such an observant and sensitive heart.

Second, the unsolicited accountability. This past Thursday I had a dentist appointment at 8 AM. I knew this would mean a high potential for stress that morning, needing to get the boys ready and out the door while also ensuring I was ready for work before leaving since I was going straight to the office from the dentist appointment. On Wednesday night at dinner I had a conversation with the boys about how the next morning would be a potentially stressful one for mom, and that I really needed their help. this is a strategy I try to use whenever I can, talk about the situation or potential for high emotions before we are in the thick of it. We talked about what we would do if they didn't feel like getting up when I told them it was time (Jacob: do it anyway! Kaleb: stretch and yawn and think about how yummy breakfast will be) what we'd do if they felt like playing hide and seek when it was time to get in the car (both: just don't!) and what would happen if Mommy started getting irritated or stressed out (Mommy: I will tell you what I feel like, Kaleb: We will listen and try to help, Jacob: I will hug you) So, here comes Thursday morning and of course, it goes exactly like I'd anticipated...not according to plan. Jacob had a hell of a time with going along with the routine, dug in and refused to get dressed. I got stressed and told him I was feeling annoyed because i really needed help and it seemed like he wasn't willing to help me. It did not go smoothly, but between my ongoing nagging and my need to carry him to the car and put his shoes on his feet for him, we got out the door and everyone got to where they needed to be on time. Then, that night after school, Jacob came home and walked over to me. Standing next to me he says "Mommy? I was thinking and next time we have a dentist appointment, I am going to do everything you say and whatever you need for me to be a good helper. Okay?" and my heart blew up. No one else knew what had happened that morning, there is no way another adult could have coached him to that. He had reflected all by himself, come up with the challenge, and then came up with a way to do it different next time. AND he then shared it with me without me having to ask at all. I love his  heart so much :)