Wrangling a Cookie Monster

Today my mom picked Kaleb up from day care and brought him over to her house to play with her and Kerry. They missed him so it was a great opportunity to spend some quality time. I had to pick Kyle up at the airport at 5, so it worked out well to have Kaleb over at my mom's until Kyle and I could get out there to get him. We went over there, I took Kaleb into the bathroom with me and put him in a shirt that says "Big Brother" on the front. Then we walked back out to where everyone was and just waited for the shirt to do our announcing. Kerry noticed first, then my mom, then Mikey (he was there putting in new flooring in the bathroom for my mom). It was fun to see everyone so excited :)

After the excitement wound down and we were all just hanging out, Kaleb said he wanted to eat. My mom had made dinner for all of us and she went and made him a little plate of chicken and some potatoes. Kaleb was saying he wanted cookies, he went to the drawer where the cookies are stored and pulled them out then carried them around demanding cookies for dinner. I told him he could have cookies after he ate some of his chicken. He did not at all appreciate this idea and proceeded to push his plate away and continue demanding cookies.

Here I found myself in one of those parenting moments, where you know everyone in the room is watching to see what you will do, how you will handle this one. You know they all have their own opinions on how to best handle your child, but they are waiting to see what you'll do. Will you "put your foot down" and insist he eats a certain number of bites before getting down? Will you strike a bargain that he can have one cookie if he eats his dinner after that? Will you yell at him for behaving this way because he is embarrassing you? I was fully aware of this, and I admit to feeling embarrassed by his defiance and feeling tempted to do any of the above options within the span of 1 minute.

I've read the books on this, identified the strategies and philosophies that make sense to me, and here was my chance to put them into play in a public setting. Kaleb was crying now, yelling for cookies. I told him he could eat his dinner or he could choose to get down for now if he wasn't ready to eat his dinner. He chose to get down, so I helped him down from his chair and he ran to the living room where he proceeded to sit down and cry/make suffering sounds while checking every few moments to make sure he still had an audience. And he for sure had an audience. My mom, sister, brother, and husband were all watching him, and me, to see how this was going to all play out.

I stayed in my chair and made eye contact with him when he looked at me, letting him know I was paying attention and here if he needed me. After about 3 minutes he started adding some pathetic "Moooommmmy"'s into the mix so I took that as my invite. I got up from my chair and went and sat near him, telling him that I was here and that I loved him and showing him so with my actions. He moved away from me and got more upset, then after 30 seconds started moving closer to me. I picked him up and hugged him then sat him down next to me. I assured him again that I was right there and asked if he wanted to go cuddle for a while. He said no and said he wanted to sit and then asked for his passy. I told him I knew where it was and asked him to hold my hand and come with me to help me get it.

When he took firm grip of my hand I was surprised, I had expected him to object for the sake of objecting, as he'd been doing throughout this episode. This marked the turning point. He held my hand and walked with me to his diaper bag, laughed when I made a joke about how the passy was hiding from me, because I couldn't find it where I thought it was, and then took the passy and calmed down. After a minute or so of calm sitting together I asked him if he was ready to come sit up at the table with me again and he said yes. We went to the table, I moved his plate away from him and told him it was ready when he was but he could choose when to eat and showed him where his fork was, within reach. He reached for his fork, I offered him ketchup to dip his chicken in, which he accepted, and then he ate every bite of his chicken.

I wanted to do a full on touch down dance. This was one of the few times while in public that I've had an opportunity to put into practice what I've read in Positive Discipline and Unconditional Parenting, and it worked! I stayed connected and available to him in a moment when he was showing strong emotion. I didn't let my embarrassment based on what others thought turn to anger with him over this. I showed him that, even when he is acting in a way that I may not like, I still love him and I am still going to be there for him, that there it is okay to express intense emotions, Mommy will be right there and will not abandon him just because I don't like his current behavior. I demonstrated that my love is not conditional on his behavior, emotions, or opinions.

Does this mean my mom, sister, brother, and/or husband didn't judge me and my methods? No. It means I stuck to what I felt was right despite what others might think of my parenting. My goal for the interaction was for Kaleb to eat his chicken by his own choice. It took some tears and tantrum on his part and a lot of patience and suppression of embarrassed feelings based on what others think on my part, but in the end, he ate every bite. I'm so glad I didn't let my fear of what others thought dictate my parenting, I'm really proud of myself for doing what I felt was best and right for my child. And I'm SO pleased that it worked!

Oh, and after all that, he never did remember that he wanted a cookie in the first place. So, to keep the universe balanced, I ate the cookie while he played with his Uncle Ben :)