Baby Wait and Baby Weight

I cheated. I took a HPT yesterday morning and this morning, even though I'm supposed to wait until tomorrow morning at the very earliest. Both tests so far were negative, and I shouldn't be surprised and I shouldn't be let down because they are supposed to be negative right now. But, alas, I felt some mild disappointment. It doesn't help that I have been having ridiculously vivid and constant dreams about getting a positive test. My brain is messing with me big time! Based on the science, it can take up to 3 days from ovulation for fertilization can occur, and then something like 3 to even 10 days for that fertilized egg to float around in my uterus before it implants into the uterine wall. Once implantation happens, the hormone HCG starts to be produced. This is what a HPT is looking for in your urine. The presence of HCG will result in a positive test. So, there could be a fertilized egg floating around in there right now, or there could not and I just will have to keep testing until I get that positive or until I get that period. I'm still holding onto the "it is okay if it doesn't work the first time, there is always next month and the month after that". But, as a member of the instant gratification world we all live in these days, I'd be lying if I didn't tell you I do really want it just to work this first time.

However, if it doesn't work this time, then at least I have a little bit more time to try to take this weight off before having to worry about growing another human. I'm getting pretty frustrated with the weight loss efforts. I swear I don't eat crap food, and I have worked out an average of 30-45 minutes for 6 days a week since June, with the week off for vacation. And before that I was getting 30-45 minutes in about 4 days a week since May. But my weight hasn't budged. Not one single pound. What the heck is going on?? Even 2 pounds would help me feel like the time I spend every night after work ignoring my son so I can exercise will be worth it in the long run. So, I'm starting to food journal, as of yesterday. It did stop me from eating a handful of gummy bears. I was reaching for them then stopped to check the calories, knowing I'd have to write them down the minute they crossed my lips. So, maybe that will be the difference maker. Maybe, just maybe, I wasn't doing as well as I thought I was on the diet part. And I've heard and read for years that weight loss is about 80-90% diet. But it is just so crappy to have worked out so hard, we are talking high-intensity interval training here, and see nothing for it. And, as mean and nasty and catty as this is, I get super jealous and even mildly depressed when I see other new moms who have lost all the baby weight and look amazing just a few months after giving birth. I know, all women are different, but I wish I didn't have to be the fat one. I tell myself that those women were very strict and disciplined during their pregnancy, unlike my indulgent self who packed on 67 pounds. ugghhh, stupid body image issues.

Anyway, food journaling now and by this time next week I will either be happy to report a new pregnancy or happy to report some weight loss. I am stubbornly holding out hope that one of those is GOING to be true in just one more week.