2 Beers or Not 2 Beers, that is my question

If my cycle was early civilization, this weekend would be the fertile crescent...yeah, sorry, that's so lame. I'm trying hard not to get obsessed, to just take it easy and trust that whatever is meant to happen is exactly what is going to happen, no matter what I think or do or feel. There is a small amount of control I can exert on this baby #2 journey, but only to a point. At some point I just need to let go and let God, I know this. I know that stressing and obsessing about fertility and timing is counter-productive and that I just need to chill the F out. But it is hard. really hard. (that's what she said...sorry, couldn't pass that one up)

I am due to ovulate in the next few days, so now is the time of trying with a purpose. In only two more weeks I will know if this month was a success or if we are going on month 3. I know it is whiney and ridiculous to have any sadness or disappointment over having to maybe wait more than two months. Please don't think I don't fully comprehend the blessings I already have in my life. I have a healthy, amazing, beautiful baby who I adore. I know how truly blessed I am to have this, and I know that there are many many couples out there who would scoff at my daring to feel disappointment over having to wait more than two months. In the grand scheme of things, if I had to wait a year, or if we aren't blessed with another pregnancy, I know I still come out ahead of the game. That said, I think it is valid to feel disappointment, so long as I keep it in perspective.

Tonight we are going to the at-home reception for the wedding we went to in Jamaica. There will be alcohol. For me not to drink would definitely raise some eyebrows, not that that matters at all, most things I do cause at least someone's eyebrows to crawl up their foreheads ;) Anecdotal suggestions from people who have tried to conceive for months then had success would tell me to have a few drinks, relax, enjoy myself. Medical fear-mongering (probably a little dramatic of a term, but I'm sensitive right now and the reading I just did annoyed me a bit) would tell me that being in the presence of alcohol will cause every egg in my body to shrivel and die instantly and forever dash my baby hopes. (again, gross exaggeration, but I'm confused and battling a raging baby feva right now so I'm entitled) I'd love to catch a mild (2 - 3 beers) buzz, enjoy the company of friends I don't get to see often enough, and then come home and rest with a clear conscience. And, yes, I can have fun without alcohol, but let's be frank here, not as much fun when everyone around you is kicking back ice cold beers and laughing a little too hard at jokes and stories.

But, if I do indulge and follow the "relax, stop worrying about it, and it will happen because you won't be as stressed" advice and then we don't get pregnant this month, I know I'm going to blame myself and my selfish decision to drink. Then again, if I abstain completely tonight and we don't get pregnant this month then I am going to blame myself and my futile attempt to exert complete control over something I don't have complete control over. Good heavens, if this is me going into month 2, what am I going to look/sound like when we are starting tracking on month 12?