Oh PLEASE don't be a cruel trick

Still no period. I showed Kyle the faint line test, didn't tell him what to look for just asked him what he saw. He saw the line. I just looked up my due date, based on if this is the real deal. April 18, 2012. The site I was on had milestone weeks, and when I read "your baby's heart starts to beat" I just lost it. The happy and terrified tears, I really shouldn't have googled that. I want this too much.

In the darkest places of my mind and heart I can't help but suspect that God knows this and will take it away to teach me to lean on Him. I don't think God really operates like that, do I? At the outset of this process I thought about how I may be told I have to wait, to keep trying without success, in order to teach me that it isn't my will but His. I don't like thinking about God with this "master manipulator" mindset. I know He isn't comprehensible to my human mind. Yet this human mind can't help but try to put motives and other human traits onto Him.

I know that even if I do get a darker positive line tomorrow, it doesn't guarantee that I'll deliver a baby next April.

But reading that just now "baby's heart starts to beat" on September 21 of this year, well that hit me hard. Just the fact that I might be back to getting "your baby this week" emails, dusting off my What to Expect, changing my googling from "_____ effect on ovulation" to "_______ during pregnancy" is so amazing. So. Amazing.

Even with a BFP tomorrow I have 10 weeks before I start to breathe a little easier. I'm trying hard not to get too caught up in the dreaming, to counter every positive and hopeful thought with a "you can't be sure yet" but I'm an imaginative person and I fear I'm losing that battle.

7 hours until my next test.