Get it together, Remsburg!

7 weeks today! I went to have my first lab work appointment this morning, and it went a lot faster than I remember it going last time. Maybe I had more questions last time, maybe it seemed longer last time because I was so focused on it. Today I was more focued on...well, I couldn't tell you. Typical!

I'm finding one difference this time around is that eating the right foods is seemingly easier. I know, only 7 weeks in so no high-fives just yet. But, when I was pregnant with Kaleb he was still an abstract idea. I knew, intellectually, that what I ate he also ate, but I didn't have any idea what it really meant to feed your own baby. Now, when I eat, I imagine Kaleb eating that same thing, and if I wouldn't feed it to him I don't feed it to his baby sibling either. It is so much easier to envision this tiny baby as a real person, now that I've been through this before and have met and bonded with the outcome :)

I went the other day to tour a new day care, one that would be a lot closer to home for us. No decisions yet, just had a slow day at work so thought I'd get that taken care of (yes. I handle family business during work hours, but I also handle work business during family hours, so everyone just calm down).

On the way to the day care I started getting emotional thinking about all the changes Kaleb is going to be put through with this new baby. And I felt bad that he is going to have to share his mommy, because I worry that he isn't going to understand that. So I was thinking of ways I could make sure he understands that I still love him just as much, maybe have Daddy take care of the new baby more so I can spend time with Kaleb, go on special outings just Kaleb and Mommy, etc.

Then I started to feel bad for the new baby, because this baby won't get the undivided attention that Kaleb got as a newborn. All those ideas of spending special time with Kaleb involved me not spending that time with the baby. I worried that my bond to this baby can't possibly be as strong as my bond with Kaleb, not if I have to split myself between keeping Kaleb from missing Mommy and developing a strong bond with a new baby. Oy!

At one point I was seriously breathing shallow and getting panicky over this. So, I slapped myeslf (figuratively) and told myself to get it together. This Mother's Guilt stuff is so intense and I can not let myself get sucked down into it. I have too many other things to juggle!

I've heard and read that a mother's love just doubles when another child comes, it isn't a fixed pie that when it's gone it's gone. I hope it is more like a ground spring that just always keeps producing more and more.